November 6, 2005
Volume VI - Issue 272
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SED Carries Out Halloween Exorcism
Editor's note: Because of the sensitive nature of this information, and a fear by the contributor of repurcussions by Mortion, @Action News must refuse to name its source.
It is common knowledge that come the eve of All Saints Day, all sorts of things that like to go bump in the night creep out of their havens to play. Last Monday was no exception, as a merry crowd of ghouls, ghosts, and vampires gathered at the festivities at PatchO'Black's Jellicle Fields. No one could have expected that the real thing would have come to haunt the party!
The story begins a couple weeks before Halloween. In @Action News issue #270, it was reported by Portia, local red panda, that Wind-Dancer, another local red-panda, had her soul stolen from her by unknown hostile agents. A week later, @Action News reported sightings of a dangerous red panda, urging all readers to remain vigilant, and to report any suspicious red panda activity to your local SED office. Information leaked from classified SED documents revealed that this red panda was, in fact, Wind-Dancer under the possession of a foul demon. These reports reveal that she escaped into the night, presumably to go on a rampage.
On Halloween, the last night of the Jellicle Field Halloween Party, there were observances of otherworldly activity. Several eye-witness accounts report the feeling of unexplainable chills and sightings of ghostly apparitions during the party -- unsettling, but at the time these observations were dismissed as little more than the party's special effects. After Portia and Daemonnuit, local black panther, arrived at the party in costume, several party-goes claim to have overheard her stating that the demon that she, and the SED, were searching for was nearby. They knew this using a glow stone that reportedly functioned as a demonic proximity detector. It turned out to be remarkably accurate, because the malevolently possessed Wind-Dancer was indeed present at the party, dressed in a black cloak with a mask resembling that of a flaming jack-o-lantern. Once confronted by Portia, she burst into flames and fled the party. Several reliable eyewitnesses report that the trail of flame streaked across the sky over to the haunted house at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Portia rounded up a coterie of fellow Spindizzians: Daemonnuit, The Antiraccoon, Darius, and Spaceroo to accompany her in the chase. The heroes bravely stormed the haunted house that the demon made its stronghold, facing harrowing encounters with prehensile bookshelves, self-playing musical instruments, void spirits, and being blanketed with a thick layer of creepy, hairy spiders, they finally confronted the demon in its lair. A brief, but spectacular mystical battle ensued between Portia and the demon, but a strategically executed magic missile strike laid the possessed wah low long enough for the coterie to deploy their Stones of Binding, trapping the demon in a mystic circle. With mighty words of magic, Portia exorcised the demon, sending it back to the nether-world from whence it came.
After the exorcism was through, Findra, local coati-bunny, arrived on the scene to offer assistance, bringing the fallen firefox back to Portia's apartment for observation and prevention of further possessions. While SED officially declines that any of these events had actually taken place, evidence from reliable sources indicate that Wind-Dancer is still comatose, her soul still somewhere at large.
|Argon - From information provided by The Antiraccoon||
SED Police Fail to Break Up Rowdy Halloween Party
Due to claims of numerous complaints from neighbors regarding the jubilant 2005 Halloween party, Morticon took the initiative and sent out an improvisational police force. That is, he dressed the SED Ninja in blue pajamas and sent them to break up the Halloween party.
The ninjas were met with a freindly greeting at first, but after stating they were going to "...break the party up," the party goers let the ninjas know their thoughts on the matter.
Host Patch O'Black, local Jellicle cat, stepped up and informed the ninjas that they were not breaking up any party. Findra, local bunny, gave them a most stern look, and other revelers let it be known that any such action by the ninjas would not be met with cooperation.
The SED ninjas tried to act as though they had any law enforcement powers by claiming that they are police ninjas. Usually dressed in stereotypical ninja garb; loose fitting black clothing and masks. This time, they had swicthed to blue "police" uniforms they had put on over their ninja outfits.
Taking note of the refreshments, one of the ninjas asked what was in the punchbowl. Being the consument host, Patch said, "It's punch. Want some?" Leowulf, local lion / wulf looked at the Ninjas and said, "You can join us if you'd like. several of the ninjas took some punch wanting to 'confirm it," but found it difficult to do so as they refused to remove their ninja masks.
Others joined the invitation to the ninjas. Rjia, local centaur, even went so far as to hipbump them, but this caused them to fall over like dominoes. After getting to their feet, they tried to cover their uncoordination by demanding ID from everyone. Ninja #25, who claims to have quit the SED, showed them an ID with Vixie's picture on it. The ninjas accepted it without question.
Patch told the ninjas that if they were going to be disruptive they would have to leave. The ninjas, seeing the partiers weren't going to be intimidated, they decided that they "...had the wrong house" and made a hasty retreat. As they left they managed to steal some punch which they put in their pockets and wet their pants. it is unknows if the two actions by the ninjas were related.
After the ninjas left, the party continued and no further interuptions occured.
With the increase in the number of centaurs making their homes on SpinDizzy it seemed like a good opportunity to answer some questions about centaurs. For the sake of convinience, and the limits of my own knowledge and experience, I'll limit this to "classic" centaurs. These are the human / equine type such as myself.
Are centaurs horses?
At first glance a centaur does physically resemble a horse. Centaurs have a horizontal body with four legs on each corner of the body ending in hooves. This portion of their body is covered with hair and is usually colored like the coat of a horse. The also have a long flowing tail, and sometimes a mane. Externally what makes a centaur different from a horse is the human torso in place of a horse's neck and head. There are internal differences also.
If centaurs resemble horses, do they act like horses?
I have a phrase I use to describe myself, "Horse-like but not like a horse." A good portion of my body resembles that of a horse, but my mental state is aligned with my human torso rather than my equine aspect. Other centaurs are more "horse-like" in that they have instincts and act more like horses. Some may whinny or nicker, feel more comfortable sleeping in a barn like home or outdoors, some eat a vegitarian diet as a horse might.
What are the internal differences between centaurs and horses?
Again this depends on the centaur. Some have the expected internal layout, heart, lungs, liver, digestive tract and other organs in both their human and equine aspects. This duplicates a number of organs. There are adaptations to the throat and an air passage so both human and equine lungs recieve and expel air.
Other centaurs do not have this duplication of organs. Their equine torso is composed of muscle and bone with passeges for air and food to the equine lungs and stomach.
In both cases the nervous system is highly adapted for the 'human' mind to connect to and operate the body. This includes both voluntary and invuluntary actions.
So in centaurs with two stomachs and intestines does that mean the horse body is 'eating' poop?
No more than the lower intestines in a human are getting "poop" from the small intestines. For some centaurs the upper or human stomach partially digests food for the equine stomach to finish up. So the answer is no.
Are all centaurs transformed humans? No. Although many are, there have been those who were and are born as centaurs from back in the days they were first heard of by the western world. The centaurs of ancient Greece were born with the form. The myths associated with them might lead one to believe the consort of a god with a cloud or female horse was the origion of the species and this resulted only in male centaurs who had to "be with" female humans to procreate the species. Common sense tells one this couldn't be true as even a centaur child is far too large for a human woman to deliver. So many centaurs are born of centaur mother and father and delivered in the usual way.
Human to centaur transformees came about through a number of methods. Magic, mad scientists, DNA alterations, and surgically attaching a human torso to an equine body are only a few of the ways humans have been transformed into centaurs.
Can a centaur be ridden like a horse? No! Centaurs are like anyone else. It is best to ask permission before jumping on their back. They may have a human mind, but no one likes to be suprized, or treated rudely. Centaurs aren't horses, but only a fool would jump on a horse without getting to know it. It could toss you off or turn and bite you or even kick you! And this isn't even considering courtesy.
A centaur is a thinking emotional being. Some are more instinctual than others and may react without thinking if jumped on without warning. Even a centaur closer to the human side of the scale is a large, quick and powerful creature and could cause harm if startled.
And just like anyone, a centaur deserves courtesy and consideration. An idiot might put their head in the mouth of a lion they don't know. But no one with any sense would. Centaurs are usually happy to "give rides" to folks who are polite and friendly, and almost always to little kids. But if you just jump on a centaur's back and expect to "ride" a centaur, be prepared to be asked to jump off, if you aren't tossed to the ground. And even getting in the same room as a centaur with a saddle or bridle can be viewed with suspicion. And don't even think of wearing spurs!
I have a question that hasn't been answered here. What should I do?
Just ask. Most centaurs are happy to talk about their experiences so others can understand more about themselves. If you'd like, send your question to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
In Step With: Pa'hti
This week, we chat with Pa'hti, local Bunny.
Pa'hti has arrived.
Ba'ar growls, "Hi there and thanks for helping me out with the interview."
Pa'hti says "Er, what interview?"
Ba'ar growls, "The In Step With column. I interview you and I post the results in the column."
Pa'hti says "Oh. Okay."
Ba'ar growls, "Okay..let's begin...Okay let's start. Our readers know about you and some have even met you 'in the pelt' as it were. For one thing, how long have you been here in Spindizzy?"
Pa'hti thinks. "Been here since June of last year."
Ba'ar growls, "So what brought you to Spindizzy? "
Pa'hti says, "Was Nikon mostly."
Ba'ar growls, "So you knew Nikon elsewhere before you came here?"
Pa'hti nods. "Used to be, anyways."
Ba'ar growls, "I see. So what's a typical day like for you (or is there such a thing *smile*)?"
Pa'hti says, "Not sure. Usually wake up and sniff around ta see what's up, then fall down mostly because I'm bored."
Ba'ar growls, "Where do you spend the majority of your day?"
Pa'hti says, "Usually offline sleeping or with my nose in a book."
Ba'ar growls, "What would you change about Spindizzy if you could? "
Pa'hti scratches his head and thinks.
Pa'hti says, "Would like to see some more four leggers around like pets, just normal stuff though."
Ba'ar growls, "Who do you admire the most?"
Pa'hti says "Not sure, got to think."
Pa'hti says, "Probabaly Ping."
Ba'ar growls, "Do you have any plans for the future?"
Pa'hti headshakes. "Just stay a bunny for a while, maybe get a pet instead of being one. Try to get my tardis fixed again."
Ba'ar growls, "Tardis? You have a Tardis time travel device?"
Pa'hti nods, "Yeah, except the drive doesn't work and the external interface doesn't always connect."
Pa'hti's daughter knows how to fix it but he's not heard from her in a while.
Ba'ar growls, "You have a daughter? "
Pa'hti nods and grins.
Pa'hti says, "She's older than I am though."
Ba'ar growls, "How did that come about?"
Pa'hti sits down, "We sent her off to Gallifrey for school."
You growl, "What secret fact or desire about you would surprise our readers?"
Pa'hti giggles! "That would be telling."
Ba'ar growls, "So in closing, do you have any words of wisdom for our readers?"
Pa'hti says, "I don't know. Wise people are kind of crazy some times, probabaly comes from sitting on a mountain too long reading old books."
Pa'hti says, "But that's more wiseass than wise words."
Ba'ar nods "That concludes our interview. Thank you very much.'
Pa'hti says, "Okay."
Gilead's Puns to Leave You Groaning in Argony
Q: Why do centaurs make such good parents?
Q: What has four legs, two arms, a huge amount of useless hot air, and spends other folks' money like water?
Q: What kind of would-be Cenataur will never get elected?
Q: Who runs a centaur prep school?
Q: What do Jewish centaurs put on their Kosher roast beef?
Q: Why do commandos working with centaurs get so tired?
Q: How do you keep a centaur from getting stolen?
Q: What's red, and has four hooves, two hands, horns, and a barbed tail?
Q: How can you tell if a restaurant is centaur-friendly?
Q: Where do horse-like folks get their barns?
Q: What has four legs and two arms, wears bright colors, and makes a fool of itself?
Q: Why don't centaurs generally catch cold badly?
Q: What did the pregnant female centaur say when she begged out of the poker game early to run to the hospital?
Q: What do you call a centaur with Sylvester Stallone's torso?
Q: Why did the centaur throw his cel phone away in disgust?
Q: What's a centaur's favorite Bonanza character?
The "Eventlist" Crystal Ball
Each week @Action News will print the "Eventlist" notices here. This list will be accurate as of press time, but be sure and check it during the week. Activities and events can be proposed, rescheduled or event cancelled for all sorts of reasons. So stay "in the know" by checking Eventlist often.
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Welcome again to the fuzzy yarns story circle. Thrill to amaturely written inprov stories 'live' with many fuzzy endings.
This week in history
Back issues from a year and more ago. Remember when...?
Newspaper Circulation Report
@Action News, SpinDizzy's weekly paper, apparently has a fairly healthy circulation, so we figured we'd show just how healthy it is.
Each week, as long as there's room. I'll show the 'hit graph' for the @Action News website.
Just as a note, this makes a full year @Action News has been showing our circulation numbers. Yay!
Welcome to the latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba'ar (That's me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.
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Remember possums (to steal a term from Dame Edna ;-D), if you have any questions,please page mail me (Ba'ar) online or send mail to email@example.com. Thanks.
Hi gang. As usual I'm doing the survey for @Action News. This week's is...How long does it take for you to polish off the left over Halloween candy?
|Argon based on an idea by Gilead.||
The Doze Garden
A scene from the new Harry P. Otter movie debuting Novemember 18, 2005
|@Action News Info||
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Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to firstname.lastname@example.org or qmail or page Argon, Carl or SDN about it.
Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News