May 16, 2004
Volume IV - Issue 200
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@Action News Publishes 200th Issue
@Action News is happy to present its 200th issue! We at the paper are kind of proud of this for a number of reasons. The main one is its consistancy. It's been published every week now for at least the last two years thanks to Austin who took up the reins (Er... perhaps not the best term for a centaur to use) and made sure the paper was published when I had other obligations.
As editor, I thought that rather than examining the paper's past as we did in the 100th Issue, it would be fun to predict what might be in the paper in the future, say in @Action News' 400th issue.
So here are some possible (And at this time imaginary) headlines the paper might print in the future:
3D .MUF Temporarily Down
The muf program on our operatng system, Fuzzball 14.5 that gives us the imersive visuals and stereo sound for play on SpinDizzy...
Roofus Roo Named Head Wiz
With his retirement coming soon, Austin, local balloon coati, has named Roofus Roo, local groundhog, as head Wiz...
Argon and Mavra to be Wed
Argon and Mavra plan to have their long awaited nuptuals this month....
Leslie Gets Driver's License
Leslie, local bunny / fairy, passed the driver's test and was awarded a license today. As the bunny showed it around, many folks took care to see what gender the license indicated Leslie was. It was no surprize that the licience revealed Leslie to be a...
|SED Press Release||
SED Attempt to Take Over Spindizzy Succeeds!
(Dateline: The Future) Morticon, new ruler of Spindizzy and head of the SED, announced his takeover plans were a success today. His plans started several years ago when he convinced Austin, former head wiz, to give him a W bit. Since then, he has spent an unusual amount of time plotting the takeover plan which reached it's apex recently. Morticon considered his success official when his minions cornered the remaining wizstaff and stole their W bits. "Tarka was most helpful in that portion of the plan when they taught my minions the flicks of the wrist required to wrest the W bit away," Morticon said as he praised the otter.
The number of minions in the SED has been growing steadily ever since Morticon put Brenda's surgery live on the air for all to watch a few years back. The broadcast inspired many to sign up for the SED who would otherwise not consider it. "The SED really gives you the training and experience needed to thrive and dominate a world of idle chatters," Morticon boasts, "Those that stand by and sit idle simply don't know what they're missing."
Morticon has already ordered the Rose Garden to be renamed SED Garden, taking advantage of the populace being shocked into helplessness that a SED plan actually succeeded on a grand scale. No word yet on what will happen to the former wizstaff, though it is suspected by many that Morticon will allow them to live out their remaining days at the Squirrel Hill Retirement Home.
Dateline: Space! @Action News is now not only being read across the globe, but now into space on one of the first sub-orbital public flights from Austin, Texas to Poughkeepsie, New York. Local stretch fursnake, and head wiz, Austin Dern, said that the ten-minute flight was ‘ok, but was hoping for a classic cartoon to pass the time’.
Dateline: Space! It was a dark and stormy nebula... but things collapsed, stars were ignited and planets were warmed. It got brighter and shiny, much to the delight of everyone, especially raccoons.
Dateline: Space! There’s an awful lot of it! Less now than what there used to be since Morticon, Evil Wallaby-At-Large, decided to follow an old motto of ‘keep your friends close, and your enemies closer’ by washing the universe before reading the tag for its proper handling. Because of his actions, the universe is now the size of chihuahua sweater. Locals are complaining over the cramped conditions.
Base-Ball Match Ends Nil-nil
Saturday morning's baseball game at the Mudville Park was suspended after one inning with the score tied at zero. After a rocky beginning with confusion regarding who was on which team, and the establishment of the fact few knew how to play the game in any detail, the game proceeded rockily to a rocky conclusion.
Argon's Argyle Gargoyles, composed of Jehuty, Spikey, Austin, Moonbreak, Roofus_roo, and Argon, got off to a strong start against Beltrami's Balloon Bandits, composed of Scandal, Felina, Valerius, Skyler, and Skyler, with Felina leaving before the first play. Adara and Mosi entered and joined Beltrami's team.
Beltrami placed Mosi at left field, Adara at right, herself at shortstop, Valerius at first base, the female Skyler as pitcher, and the male as catcher. Argon's team got a player on base with Jehuty hitting a fly ball which fell into the gap between Beltrami, Adara, and Mosi. Jehuty could have run it out to a double had its engines been able to recharge fast enough. Scandal then left. Roofus_roo also apologized, and left.
Spikey batting second for the Gargoyles bunted on 1-0. Beltrami fetched the ball and tossed it to pitcher Skyler, who relayed it to Valerius at first base, who found the game too spammy and left. This was recorded as a single.
Austin batted next, but struck out on four pitches. One pitch was ruled fan interference when Darius entered, swept the sleeping Gryphe, who was carrying Austin, thus sweeping the coati away before he could swing or not.
Moonbreak then batted with his sword. He lost control of his sword and sent it flying deep to the infield, where Beltrami, Adara, and Mosi converged but did not catch it. The ball rolled barely within bounds, which Moonbreak did not recognize. Skyler, catching, tossed the ball to second which forced Spikey out; Moonbreak was ruled out when he returned to the dugout, unaware that the ball was live. This finished the half of the inning and preempted a run Jehuty would otherwise have credit for.
After considerable confusion and several attempts to place nobody as pitcher, Argon set Jehuty at center field, Spikey at left, Austin as catcher, Moonbreak at second base, Aishae (filling in for Roofus_roo) at first, and eventually Ping at right field. In the bottom half of the inning Mosi batted first. She screamed in terror at pitcher Argon's fast ball, which Austin only caught by the bulk of his body stretching out and holding the ball firm.
Urged to pitch slower, Argon did, and Mosi hit the ball. The ground ball rolled slowly and evaded easy capture, but Mosi was too young and small to run fast and fell over, scraping and cutting herself badly before reaching first. With that Adara and Mosi left to care for the young meerkat's injuries.
Moonbreak and Jehuty then left. Mavra entered and covered between second and third base -- or 2.5 base, as Aishae dubbed it -- and Ping took up a well-defended place in the outfield. Play continued.
Beltrami batted next. She found a bat light enough she was able to toss it over her shoulder, but swinging was difficult. She did start swinging on one pitch, sweeping her wings out and making it impossible to avoid hitting her with the pitch, giving her a base despite Austin's protest. Aishae took over as umpire while Ping caught and was squashed flat by the ball bounced off Beltrami's wings.
As the female Skyler struck out in four pitches, Ping built a well-defended lair from which to monitor the outfield.
The male Skyler hit a long fly ball, which Spikey flew up to, barely caught and tossed back towards second. Though most players didn't realize it at the time this meant Skyler was out and there was no need to try tossing to first. Beltrami made it to second before things were straightened out.
One fancy pitch of Argon's -- which sent a ball that stopped, leapt behind Logan's shoulder and taped him on the shoulder -- was ruled a ball, as it left the strike zone when it swept around. Darius proceeded to strike out, ending the bottom half of the inning.
Due to the advanced time and the continued exits of players the game was called at that point. The crowd then discussed ways that future baseball games might be played more smoothly and with less confusion.
Among leading suggestions are first that players must commit to several hours without complaining of ``spam,'' that whispers should be used between players to coordinate what's going on with the ball, that there must be an umpire with final decision on what the outcome of an action will be, and that there could be ways to program strategy and thus reduce the number of batters who manage enormously long hits on their first or second pitch.
Also proposed was a training session in which players would learn something of the rules of baseball before playing it again.
Leslie Becoming More Adorable
Fairy faux-bunny Leslie has begun becoming even more adorable recently, taking the habit of imitating renowned otter Gilead while in the Rose Garden. No one seems quite sure when Leslie began this, but it's not rare now for the child to run around on all fours, lean against Gilead, and lick his fur. For his part Gilead has returned the attentions, training everyone's favorite child in the mysterious ways of the otter.
They haven't taken up swimming yet, but the fairy child's eagerly paced the Rose Garden, run around, and try grooming one another. Leslie found the taste of Gilead's fur "yicky." but Gilead insisted his fur would taste mostly of water. Leslie has learned some of the ways to squeak to get Gilead's attention right away, and Gilead has sometimes reverted to childhood to better play.
Whether the process of Leslie taking on more adorable, hug-worthy traits might cause the flux of cuton particles in the Rose Garden to build up to a dangerous level -- possibly setting off a chain reaction turning everyone and everything into a more snuggly, sugary-sweet delightfully huggable version of itself -- has not been settled, but more than one person has said, "I hope it does."
Logan Gets Bunny-paw
Logan the golden retriever got a brand new bunny paw this Monday after a horrible accident left his hand badly hurt. It started by accident when Leslie the fairy faux-bunny gave a little glow of magic wishes-to-be to Terry the marshmallow squirrel. Terry was told he could make them into any wishes he wanted and said he had to not think of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man now!
Terry said now it'd probably try to eat up everybody but Leslie asked why. Terry said it was "Revenge for campfires. I know when I'm a marshmallow I constantly hunger for the flesh of the living. "Well... not *constantly*. But now and then, when I haven't had enough bugs." But Terry didn't want to eat anybody right now.
After Logan's Thundercloud took some samples of the marshmallow man for BarterGarter's work Logan's fur stood up all staticky. Terry said he should be careful because the sparks could react with Gem the peacock's circuitry, but Gem said it was perfectly safe around him. Terry then said "It might react with Leslie's wishes in an unpredictable fashion, and turn you into a slug!" And muttered 'if I concentrate hard enough.' Then Terry must have thought to use one of the wishes because he turned into a gold otter! Logan reached his hand out to shake Terry's and he did, but Terry was liquid gold which is really hot and molten and Logan yiped in pain and put his hand in the Thundercloud to cool off. Terry said sorry and turned into a firl(?) mint otter so she could be "less passively destructive."
Logan asked for help and Leslie and Roofus_roo were right on hand. Leslie stirred the magic wand around and around making a little violet disc of light that the bunny pushed up over Logan's burned hand. Logan's fingers and wrist and hand and upper arm disappeared as Leslie swept it over. Then Leslie tapped it with the wand again and pulled the disc back out. It unwrapped like a glove around where Logan's arm used to be.
Then Leslie swept the violet glow off, but Leslie's thoughts have to have drifted because the new repaired arm and hand were a soft bunny's foreleg and paw instead! Logan said he didn't mind though and he liked having his hurt fixed and thought it was neat to have a bit of bunny in him. So if you see Logan waving and it looks like a rabbit it's all right--it's still him!
Brenda Gets Transformed
It started at about 1830, muck time, when Morticon dropped the viewing room. Those few early-comers looked at the screen to see an unconscious Alex on the operating table in the lab.
Beyond a rousing business by an unnamed Vendor, SED members talking about the non-surgical tools they're planning on using, and the usual small-talk about evil wallabies, there was very little action until Kira, one of the nurses in the operation and spending some time in the viewing room, ate some bad sea urchin and got sick soon before going to the lab. Once there, she was loudly ill and accidentally took some slow-doze.
Soon, the operation was under way. Lilah started an IV of the standard fluids and anesthetics. Morticon insisted that Brenda's brain be removed to preserve her personality, and Gem preformed the extraction with the assistance of Kira.
Upon completion of this, Lilahfae inserted an IV into the cougar's other arm to begin the "transformation". Those watching and those in the lab soon noticed some very wallaby-ish changes occurring in Brenda. In the struggle to remove the IV from the cougar, Carlos got stuck with the needle and was changed into a female wallabat, Carlita. After the long interval of recovery, argument, and Morticon complaining about the loss of his bride, things got back to "normal" and the operation went well.
Carlita did most of the actual changes with his magic, lovingly crafting Brenda's body into a dragon/cougar hybrid.
Gem finished by placing Brenda's brain back in her skull and sealing up the bone and incision. Brenda spent some time recovering in the lab before going to the garden, still a bit weak, to say hi to people and show off her new look.
Read Brenda's recollections of the procedure here
Vintage Teddy Bear May have Saved Young Alaskan Girl's Life
A young Nome, Alaska girl was found alone in the woods outside her nearby village recently after a particularly harsh storm. Rescuers estimate she may have been alone in the forest for most of the twelve-hour storm. Authorities are baffled as to how the girl weathered the storm on her own. Scientists suspect the girl's hypothermia may have triggered hallucinations, as she claims to have been "rescued by a Care Bear."
Rescuers discovered the girl after following a brilliant flash of light from an unknown source, beneath a shoddy leanto composed of an unidentified cottony white substance and pine bows, clutching an old teddy bear she called "Grumpy Bear." Scientists and rescuers suspect that body heat feedback from the stuffed toy may have been the key to the girl's survival.
Interviews with the child's parents revealed that to their knowledge the girl had acquired the plush toy on her own. The parents said that due to the age of the teddy bear it could not have been purchased by them, as they would only have purchased new, clean toys for their child. According to parents, the bear seems to have disapeared as quietly as he apeared. When asked about the bear's disapearence the child would only shrug and reply, "he said his friends were expecting him at home, and that he missed Ba'ar." Other cryptic stories are said to have been the result of rheumatoid fever resulting from the grip of the bone-chilling storm.
Alicia Vulpnine Returns
In recent news, the dead Queen of the Neo Republic, Alicia Vulpnine, has been seen on numerous occassions throughout Spindizzy. Within the last few weeks she has appeared in the Rose Garden, merely not visiting but with plans to come back to the living world.
As many know Alicia was the targert of an assassination attempt a few months back and still the group responsible for her death has not been found. The successful resurrection of the Queen requires the mystical element known as Chaonite. Chaonite is normally found as a multicolored ore but it can also been found as a high quality crystal. It has been written that only 7 of these high quality Chaonite crystals have been refined and made, one of the 7th being in the Vulpnine family. Moonbreak, a local weasel, has reported to have found a pure Chaonite cyrstal but with the absence of the Crown Prince, Alex Vulpnine, the crystal cannot be declared to be Chaonite. Negoations between the SED and Sunshine's small group on returning the Crown Prince are at a standstill and it will all depend on the return of Alex which, in turn, will determine the resurrection of Queen Alicia.
Welcome to latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba'ar (That" s me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.
Folks, Ba'ar here. For the first time since this column launched, I've stumbled upon something remarkable. In my mailbox recently I received a copy of Bearing Up from apparently four years in the future. I'm running the column without comment. Enjoy..
Bearing Up - Special edition for @Action news issue 400
Dear Bearing Up:
Dear Bearing Up:
Dear Bearing Up,
Dear Bearing Up,
Dear B. Gates:
Dear Bearing Up,
Dear Bearing Up,
Dear R. Perot:
Dear Bearing up,
Dear H.G. Wells,
Dear Bearing Up:
Dear P. Allen,
Remember possums (to steal a term from Dame Edna ;-D), if you have any questions,please page mail me (Ba'ar) online or send mail to email@example.com. Thanks.
Newspaper Circulation Report
@Action News, SpinDizzy's weekly paper, apparently has a fairly healthy circulation, so we figured we'd show just how healthy it is.
Each week, as long as there's room. I'll show the 'hit graph' for the @Action News website.
This week, Argon asked, "What do you think will be 'The Next Big Thing' that will be invented, discovered, etc, by the 400th edition of @Action News?"
Gilead's Otterible Puns
What's a weasel's favorite carnival ride?
What did the weasel say when he musked at the dinner table?
Why did the snake get a doggie bag?
How does a weasel illuminate his home?
What did the religious beaver say when a rockslide suddenly blocked his stream?
Who makes sure everything you eat has its quota of roach parts?
Why did the cops arrest the mafioso mouse?
What do donkeys take for migraines?
Why couldn't the pony talk?
Why was the weasel's bathroom so beautiful?
Did you hear about the new bus service for cats?
The Doze Garden
|@Action News Info||
Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles
Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to firstname.lastname@example.org or qmail or page @Action or sdnews about it.
Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News