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Argon -- Editor

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Rumored attack on SED results in collateral damage.

Tales of an attack on the SED, Society of Evil Doers, by unknown parties, being told around SpinDizzy are the reported cause of unexpected consequences.

Last week it was told that the SED was infestated by nanites, small microscopic machines that go inside the body and make changes. Theoretically designed to cure disease and injury, they have been altered in some cases to cause unwanted changes or damage to their hosts. Although the SED states no such attack took place and has refused to release damage reports to @Action News of something they claim never happened, rumor has it that repelled the nanite attack using an extremely low frequency radio signal that is currently being broadcast from a hidden antenna.

A suspected side effect of the alleged attack is the declining health of Tzolkin, local mousecat. His partialy robotic nature has made him susceptable to the effect of the low frequency transmission. Zach, local pre-teen, has taken it upon himself to look after Tzolkin. The mousecat has been using the "Jellicle ball" featured at Patch O'Black's Jellicle Ball last weekend. Apprently its Jellicleness is helping the mousecat resist the effects of the transmission.

Although Tzolkin is still feeling the effects, the Jellicle Ball is helping although as of press time he had not fully recovered.

Local Skunk descented by Morticon

Morticon, local wallaby evil-doer, branded a local skunk kit and surgically removed his scent glands last week. The skunk kit's name will not be mentioned in order to protect his identity.

Some speculate that this skunk’s habit of stealing shiny things from local residents was what provoked the wallaby.

Georgia speaks softly, "From what [the skunk kit] has said, though, it involves a small pickpocketing affair. However, Morticon's reaction was extreme and more than a little uncalled for. Any sane being wouldn't react in such a barbaric manner."

When questioned, Morticon claimed that the skunk’s habitual stealing and frequent spraying pushed him over the edge.

Morticon says, “He was always spraying me and stealing from me! He runs wild without any adults looking after him, and I could not stop him from stealing because he would just spray me if I got close.”

I asked, “But what made you think you could act as judge, jury, and executioner here, Morticon?”

He replied, “SOMEBODY had to do something!”

In step with: Patch O'Black

Jellicle Cat Costume.

Greetings and welcome to another edition of In Step With. This week, we sit down chat with Patch O'Black, local Jellicle cat and candy maker.

PatchO'Black mews, "Hello, Ba'ar!"

Ba'ar smiles "Thanks for consenting to my interview. =

Ba'ar growls, "Okay let's start. Our readers know about you and some have even met you 'in the pelt' as it were. For one thing, how long have you been here in Spindizzy?"

PatchO'Black mews, "A little over six years now."

Ba'ar nods "I see, and what brought you to Spindizzy?"

PatchO'Black mews, "Magic!"

PatchO'Black mews, "Actually, I was exiled. It's a long story, really..."

Ba'ar nods "I won't go any further. I sense that to do otherwise would be embarrassing."

Ba'ar growls, "Now then, the next few questions deal with your 'jellicleness'."

PatchO'Black mews, "Go ahead."

Ba'ar growls, "First, we've heard alot about Your 'Jellicle Magic' and 'Jellicleness.' What is this? In what way is this beneficial? "

PatchO'Black mews, "Actually, I use "Grace Magic" to perform most of my, well, mystical actions. Jellicleness is a bit harder to define, though. Jellicleness just seems to enhance things that are good, and make bad things better."

Ba'ar growls, "Think that by spreading the 'jellicleness' you sort of make people happier?"

Ba'ar growls, "Is that what Jellicleness is all about?"

PatchO'Black mews, "I certainly hope it makes people happier. It's about the Jellicle cat belief of grace in all things."

Ba'ar smiles "That would explain why I've never met a jellicle cat who couldn't sing or dance."

Ba'ar growls, "Now then...Is it possible for more than cats to possess Jellicle Magic?"

PatchO'Black mews, "I suppose it is possible, though I have yet to meet one, and I'm not sure how it would work..."

Ba'ar growls, "Do you think that Jellicle magic would work differently for creatures who weren't cats?"

PatchO'Black mews, "Couldn't say. I mean, like I said, I'm not even sure it is possible."

Ba'ar nods "One final question about Jelicle Magic...Is one born a Jellicle or can one develop Jellicleness through training? "

PatchO'Black mews, "Well, of course, Jellicle cats are born that way. However, if one has a certain amount of Jellicle qualities, one could enhance them over time and with help from a Jellicle cat."

Ba'ar nods "Like your son Daystar."

PatchO'Black mews, "Well, he was born Jellicle. Nikon, on the other hand, acquired her Jellicle cat form with my help."

Ba'ar nods "I see. Now then...a few general questions.."

Ba'ar growls, "What do you think are your strengths? "

PatchO'Black mews, "My good manners, sense of humor, and my friendliness."

Ba'ar smiles "You are a friend to everyone Patchy. You're one of those that makes this town great."

Ba'ar growls, "What would you change about yourself if you could? "

PatchO'Black mews, "Well....I tend to be prone to spells of self-doubt."

Ba'ar nods

Ba'ar growls, "Also..What are your hobbies?"

PatchO'Black mews, "Oh, gee...music, growing things in my Jellicle Fields...."

Ba'ar growls, "Everyone enjoys your Toot Sweets and MArsh Mellows."

Ba'ar growls, "If you were made absolute ruler of Spindizzy, what changes would you make?"

PatchO'Black mews, "I would appoint someone better at ruling than I am! =^_^="

Ba'ar smiles "Are you sure you couldn't be a great ruler?"

PatchO'Black chuckles, "I think I could be a good ruler, but I wouldn't be so bold as to think I was the best choice."

Ba'ar nods..."Who do you admire the most? "

Ba'ar smiles "Other than Deuterotomy, of course." (Editor's note...Deuterotomy is the leader of the Jellicle Cats)

PatchO'Black laughs. "Well, I'd say Austin, for his good natured way."

Ba'ar growls, "Do you have any plans for the future?"

PatchO'Black mews, "Well, I hope to continue to improve and expand Jellicle Fields..."

Ba'ar nods "How about making things more 'Jellicle' ?"

PatchO'Black mews, "Oh, I plan to continue doing that!"

Ba'ar growls, "What secret fact or desire about you would surprise our readers?"

PatchO'Black mews, "Well, if I told you that, it wouldn't be a secret! =^_^="

Ba'ar chuckles. "Good point. "

Ba'ar growls, "In closing, do you have any words of wisdom for our readers?"

PatchO'Black mews, "Yes. Grace is not just a physical trait. Put some grace into everything you do, and share it with everyone you meet."

Ba'ar nods "Good advice.

Ba'ar growls, "With that in mind, that concludes our interview. Thanks for agreeing to this Patchy. I appreciate it."

PatchO'Black mews, "You are welcome, Ba'ar."

Gilead's Math for Dummies

Zero: Spanish California?s Robin Hood. One: Was victorious.

Two: The opposite of from.

Three: A large, woody plant.

Four: What a golfer says before hitting a ball.

Five: Barney?s last name on the Andy Griffith show.

Six: *snicker*.

Seven: Keeping for later.

Eight: Had a meal.

Nine: German for "no."

Ten: To sit out in the sun.

Hundred: The fear of being overrun by barbarian hordes.

Thousand: Telling an Amish person to ship something.

Infinity: The opposite of outfinity.

Addition: To try out for a part in a theatrical production.

Division: Seeing double.

Sum: More than less.

Subtraction: How the propeller of a U-Boat makes it move.

Derivative: Joined with pounded bolts.

Chain rule: A flexible device for classroom discipline, as well as measurement.

Irrational number: A number wearing a tinfoil hat.

Decimal: No longer really tiny.

Hexadecimal: A spell to make you no longer really tiny.

Geometry: A small car made by Chevrolet.

Algebra: Islands off the African coast.

Calculus: Along with lime and rust, the crusty stuff around a leaky pipe.

Planar: A pilot.

Parabola: What a Gaucho should have before jumping out of a plane.

Hyperbola: Saying a lot about nothing.

Taylor series: Where you go to get a suit to fit you while you're dieting.

MacLaurin series: A race for the world?s fastest street-legal car.

Zach's Quotable Quote

Can you guess where the quote was said, who said it and as a bonus this week fill in the missing word. See the bottom of the paper for the answer...

"Except more range if the _______ jumps at the right time."

This week in history

Back issues from a year and more ago. Remember when...?

Newspaper Circulation Report

@Action News, SpinDizzy's weekly paper, apparently has a fairly healthy circulation, so we figured we'd show just how healthy it is.

Each week, as long as there's room. I'll show the 'hit graph' for the @Action News website.

Graphic of @Action News website hits.

Bearing Up

Bearing Up logo.

Welcome to the latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba'ar (That's me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.

Dear Bearing Up:
How can I best study for finals?
- D. Wormer

Dear D. Wormer:
Take lots of Vivarin and drink coffee by the gallon.

Dear Bearing Up,
Kern and Ing claim the world is going to fall. Just what do they mean?
- Spiderman

Dear Spiderman:
Actually, they mean that THEY'RE going to fall.

Dear Bearing Up,
How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- R. Kilowatt

R. Kilowatt:
None. We bears aren't afraid of the dark!

Dear Bearing Up,
How can I be sure a joke or song or something isn't going to offend a friend?
- Argon

Dear Argon:
Discuss it with him/her first. Make sure there are no surprises.

Dear Bearing Up,
Giant robot gundams are destroying the city! What can I do?
- R. Smith

Dear R. Smith:
Call in Sky Captian!

Dear Bearing Up:
Why is it true that the sun will never set on the British Empire?
- T. Blair

Dear T. Blair: Because the British can't be trusted in the dark!

Remember possums (to steal a term from Dame Edna ;-D), if you have any questions,please page mail me (Ba'ar) online or send mail to big_bear@operamail.com. Thanks.

Weekly Survey

Argon doing the survey.This week, Argon asked, "I'm doing a survey for @Action News. The question this week, suggested by Ba'ar is, 'Say there's Spindizzy the Cartoon Movie...who would you want voicing your character?"

  • JayTee - Most likely I'd pick Brian O'Halloran for my voice. (Dante Hicks from 'Clerks' for those that don't know.)
  • Tarka - Harrison Ford... that's who would voice me. Only in his scruffy voice from star wars.
  • Brenda - I'd say the actress who played Jean Grey in the X-men movies. Her or Gillian Anderson.
  • Randy_panda - My voice would be Carlos Alazraqui doing his role as Rocko from Rocko's Modern Life.
  • Ba'ar - I'd like John Maden to do my voice and the guy who does Punchy from the Hawaiian Punch commercials to do Jason my son's voice.
  • Gilead wants to be voiced by....Kath Soucie. Though maybe you shouldn't ask when she's a girl.
  • Borris says, "Shaun Conery, yes, its aiming high, but is thinking he could pull off Russian accent well."
  • Beltrami - Beltrami points to the newspaper survey- she leaves a note 'HARPO MARX' and discreetly kicks your front cannon.
  • Vixie - My player since nobody else can get my melodic voice right.
  • Tanuki - "I would want to voice myself."
  • Darius - Bruce Willis, Stephen Dorff, or Harrison Ford would be my three choices for the Darius voice actor.
  • PatchO'Black - I wouldn't mind voicing myself."
  • Offipso - "A mime, please."
  • Gina_Doberman - "Kim Basinger!"
  • Akeakami would have Steven Blum voice him...aka Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop.
  • Mouser pages, "Dennis Franz. He sounds tired and cynical enough to be a long-time SED minion.
  • Nimble - "Kath Soucie"

Zach's Quoted Quote Answer

Hopalong's Bar for striving gymnasts and acrobats of all ages. Our expert staff can teach you basic through advance. Jumping, cartwheels, somersaults, tightrope walking, you name it we can do it. Why not take a step on your wild side.

Yeah I am not going to let you folks get away with easy stuff at least not this week, This weeks quote was said at the Jellicle Intersection. The missing word, "wallaby" and the quote said by Phoex! Congratulations for those that guessed right!

The Doze Garden

When Borris has baked lemur, he always uses zinc foil!

The Doze Garden Comic Strip

Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org or qmail or page Argon, Carl or SDN about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Sunday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News