January 11, 2004
Argon -- Editor
Volume IV - Issue 182
Please don't forget to read the bulletin board. Enter +read from
BarterGarter’s Cart returns! Sort of...
On Wednesday afternoon, local lobotomy practice dummy and evil wallaby SED director Morticon, presented local snake merchant BarterGarter with a SED-issue vehicle as a replacement for the one destroyed by said
wallaby late last year.
The replacement vehicle, an ancient Bounder RV, earned little praise from either BarterGarter or the crowd gathered in the Rose Garden at the time. The replacement cart was described as cataclysmically noisy, cosmocidally pollutant, and prone to sociopathologically violent engine vibrations. Both Morticon and BarterGarter, however, stressed the point that this Lovecraftian wreckage was, in fact, only a temporary replacement until a more suitable vending cart was found. Some of the RV’s worst engine
problems were addressed and fixed by brave local polar bear Borris, and BarterGarter resumed her role as Rose Garden merchant within minutes of the transaction.
When asked to comment, Morticon replied, “Insufferable cretin! You will see I usually let my pets speak for me!” Then he pulled the lever to the trapdoor this reporter was
cluelessly standing on, and tossed me into his alligator pit. And indeed, SED’s executive assistant alligators were extremely attentive and helpful, and they let me have a complimentary SED calendar after I was done with my questions. Mouser was Miss October,though. Freaky stuff, that...
2003 SpinDizzy Christmas Tree Retired
One of the last vestiges of the 2003 Christmas season left the Rose Garden this week. The 2003 SpinDizzy Christmas tree was retired to the SpinDizzy Christmas tree Retirement Home in a quiet and fitting manner Sunday night.
Each year, a small tree is set up in the Rose Garden during the holidays. Reminiscent in appearance of Amalfi, the worn, bedraggled plush that is the #1 character here, the tree has always been just a few branches from which pine needles fall at every turn. Seemingly barely able to stand upright on its crudely built stand, they support not only themselves, but the ornaments and decorations placed upon them by SpinDizzy residents. The 2003 tree is no exception. As noted in Last week's @Action News the 2003 tree supported a large number of decorations.
The tree, which had silently borne its burden of decorations, let it be known that it was ready to be retired through non-verbal hints and inferences picked up by the group of folks in the Rose Garden that night. Most notably, the creation of 'sticks' of amber it created from its own sap, and the dropping of lemur treats, which were seen and gathered by Suri, local lemur. With the assistance of Argon, local centaur, Sunshine, local porcupine, and Brenda, local cougar, Suri figured the amber rods were to be used to carry the tree to its retirement. As the 2003 Christmas tree 'uprooted' itself, Suri guided the placement of the rods by the others and lifted the tree and its decorations and led the group as the carried the tree north to the Christmas Tree Retirement home.
Once there, a place was found next to the 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, and 2002 SpinDizzy Christmas trees to properly display and honor it. Argon, Sunshine, Brenda and their leader, Suri, who finished the last of the lemur treats, thanked the tree, and then returned to the Rose Garden, already thinking of what decorations to place on the 2004 SpinDizzy Christmas Tree!
Last week in the Rose Garden, the following exchange of puns took place:
Gilead chirps, "If someone severed a horse's head....is what's left a 'taurso?"
Kinsor skriters, "And you could get a stuck at a bank, if you can't a ford a river."
Gilead chirps, "Ford should've named one of their trucks the Ford River."
Kinsor skriters, "Or how about that cheap import car calling the Babbling? I could go on and on about how my Babbling broke!"
Argon thought centaurs were supposed to be known for bad puns, "Are you sure you guys aren't centaurs in disguise?"
Gilead could be an ottaur, "But that'd be stealing Gina_Doberman's idea."
Argon says, "If she practiced medicine would she be a dogtaur?"
Kinsor skriters, "Or you could be a half insect..you otter-bee!"
Kinsor skriters, "Or half, rope...on second thought, you otter--knot!"
Gilead supposes he could be a robotic, six-limbed critter.
Gilead chirps, "Otterminataur."
Argon ought to copy these down for @Action News.
Kinsor skriters, "Don't you mean you otter?"
Gilead chirps, "If Lincoln had a horse torso, would a penny be a cent-'taur?"
Gilead chirps, "If someone used an axe to carve Sirenia, could you exclaim, "Oh, the hewn manatees!"
Kinsor skriters, "If you had three centaurs who were walking on a new road, would the center centaur scent tar?"
Gilead sells Kinsor sea shells by the seashore.
Kinsor skriters, "Hey, I see shells by the seashore already! :}"
Sunshine says, "Werefox!"
Butterfluff says, "Therefox!"
Mercifully, this run of punning ended at this point. Later, the pun bug bit again...
Roofus_roo tunas Dellway.
Austin says, "I thought there was something fishy about him."
Dellway chrrphisses, "It's all out of a halibut."
Argon says, "You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish."
Argon says, "A hard halibut to break?"
PatchO'Black mews, "It was an act of cod, Argon."
Argon says, "A bad case of salmon, Ella."
PatchO'Black mews, "If it gets too bad, we will have to send for a fish priest. A holy mackerel."
Dellway chrrphisses, "That's been something y've got to sea urchin to happen."
Argon says, "Too bad 'Gill'-ead isn't here."
( Oho! )
Gilead's Otterrible Puns
This week Gilead came up with some animal hybrids.
- Half wallaby/half wolf. Kang-aroooOOOOOOOooooo.
- Half squirrel/half ferret. Squirret.
- Half ferret/half walrus. Weaseal.
- Half human/half horse. Centaur. (Sorry, ancient joke. Ancient GREEK joke. ;-)
- Half coatimundi/half otter. Co-otter-mundi.
- Half kangaroo/half tusked seal. Walrusby.
Welcome to latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba'ar (That's me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.
Can't we all just get along?
I guess not. We're too different.
Why do we have traditions?
So we don't forget the foolish acts we've done in the past.
Dear Bearing Up:
I've seen a commercial on TV for Charmin toilet paper showing bears in the woods who use the advertiser's product. I always knew that the Pope was Catholic and that (some) bears (go) in the woods, but do they really use Charmin?
No. Newspaper's MUCH softer and easier to handle.
Dear Bearing Up,
My computer runs slow. Should I buy more RAM, or just get a new computer?
Dear B. Gates:
Neither. Take it to the gym and put it on a treadmill.That'll make it run fast.
Dear Bearing Up,
How come the record companies sell such crummy music? When I could get it for free on Napster, I'd listen to some of it but now that they want me to pay for it I'm not going to. It's junk! What's wrong with those people?
Dear R. Davies:
They CALL themselves musicians..but they really aren't. It's a conspiracy by the record companies to get you to listen to and accept substandard music.
Dear Bearing Up:
Giant cockroaches are eating me out of house and home! I use bug spray on them but they drink it like soda pop. What should I do?
Dear F. Kafka:
Call in Kagemushi the samurai cockroach. He'll help you by beating the tar out of the roaches that are invading your home.
Dear Bearing Up,
We are looking for a new spokesbear for Charmin Bathroom Tissue. Please contact us so we can sign a contract!
Dear P. Gamble:
I'd love to boys, but when I consider how fleeting stardom is, I don't want to do it. Thanks for asking.
Remember possums (to steal a term from Dame Edna ;-D), if you have any questions,please page mail me (Ba'ar) online or send mail to email@example.com. Thanks.
This week, Argon asked, "I'm doing a survey for @Action News, the question this week is, 'What would you like to see in the pictures being sent back from Mars by the Spirit rover?'
- Sunshine says, "Aliens that look exactly like Cassyroo right down to the smallest detail."
- Suri says, "Ideally, I'd like them to find a road of golden paving blocks, half-buried in the sand. I'll settle for that brown flat thing by the base of the lander to be the local equivalent of a bacterial mat, though."
- Mouser hisses, "My lost socks."
Suri peers at Mouser, wondering how he can tell his socks apart from his other clothing?
Mouser hisses, "Why do you think I keep losing them, Suri?"
- Brenda ponders "Osama Bin Laden giving the rover the finger and holding a sign saying something along the lines of "Hey, remember me, American Infidel Pigs?!""=*^.^*=
- Adara -- I'd love to see some aliens- as many folks would, I imagine.
- Tarka says, "Oh... aliens. The bad kind...with Blasters and a insane urge to kill all humans."
- Butterfluff says, "Any kinds of non-human city. Preferably with active non-humans."
- Penance purrs, "(An alien saying) Hi Mom!"
- Gilead -- Gilead'd like to see little green men posing behind Viking, making antennae on it with their fingers in a V behind it. :-)
- Airborn -- I'd like to see the FUBK-Test image, the only TV-test image used in germany.
- Snowdrift hasn't really thought about it, but maybe (it) would be cool to see Marvin.
- Slug clicks, "My house. As in, "Hey, I can see my house from here!"
- Borris says, "Martian poking lens saying 'Is this thing on?"
- Alicia says, "There's a large face-like appration on the surface of Mars. I'd like to see the lost tribe of Man."
- Jintrop squeakgrowls, "I'd like to see balloonie herps! Herps = dinos, dragons.."
- Miklinar yerfs softly, "The lander is solar powered, so they will never see it, but... eyes in the dark."
- Cye says, "..all the other robots that failed :)"
- Sanogan gently rumbles, "I would like to see.. A gigantic D20, (a 20 sided dice) carved from Martian rock, showing that,yes, gamers are everyhere. "
- Casandro says, "The copyright notice of the one who made the poster around the rover."
- Austin says, "Anyway, I'd like to see any of the array of space kangaroos documented in Sir Arthur C Clarke's ``The Sands of Mars.''"
- Ikuri thinks. "Another probe approaching in the distance."
- Riku hmms. " A Martian sign that reads: 'We *heart* Clinton'
- Lupinetiger wurfs, "heh, would be neat if Martians thought there were animal/human hybrids on earth then realize there are only humans here..."
- BarterGarter hisses, "Bugs Bunny avoiding Marvin's lasers."
Other ideas of what the rover might see can he found here.
The Doze Garden
|@Action News Info
Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles
Proofreading by Butterfluff
Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to firstname.lastname@example.org or qmail or page Argon about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Sunday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.
Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News