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Argon -- Editor

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Austin Dern's Secret Mission Revealed!

Writer's block.Singapore, Sept 7th, 2002

As reported in Action News for June 9th , Austin, local Coati, has been on an extended trip to Singapore, fighting terrorists who were thought to be attempting to switch Folger's Crystals for cheaper, indigenous coffees. Now that he has returned home, his mission completed, we can reveal the Rest of the Story.

Austin's cover story for his visit to Singapore was that he was working to perfect a mathematical description of whirlpools. As is well-known, a whirlpool is important to the efficient functioning of the common flush toilet. Lured by Austin's expertise, and the promise of more cost-efficient whirlpools which could finally bring toilets into the reach of toiletless third world slum-dwellers , the world's toilet mavens were drawn to Singapore for the recent World Toilet Summit. It was felt that such a gathering of the most important figures in the toilet world could not fail to attract the unwelcome attentions of the terrorists, intent on disrupting the progress of sanitation by depriving the attendees of the dark, rich processed coffee crystals that such men have come to expect. After several days of Folger's-drenched discussions, the terrorists had not yet struck.

A hot tip from local Shady Character Mohammed Binatang bin Goncang (NOTE: ADULT CONTENT!), an employee of the Singapore Zoo, put Austin on the right track. The truth was actually far worse than feared - the terrorists planned to flood the market with a rare yuppie coffee known as Kopi Luwak, by making creative use of the advanced toilet technology to be unveiled at the conference.

A Civet.The Civet, an animal common in Southeast Asia, plays an indispensable role in the production of Kopi Luwak. The high suction produced by the enhanced whirlpools was expected to boost Kopi Luwak production, making the formerly rare beverage a common item. As the price fell, the yuppie coffee fashionistas would find their formerly exclusive beverage being consumed by the hoi polloi, and sold even at Starbuck's, leading to widespread whining, and the demoralization of the West.

A Coati.The Coati greatly resembles the Civet. Apart from the fact that one habitually faces right while the other faces left, it's easy to see how the foolish and benighted terrorists might mistake one for the other. Due to his Civet-like appearance, Austin was able to infiltrate the hollow volcano where the terrorists had imprisoned Civets hard at work processing coffee beans for Kopi Luwak. Once inside, it was the work of a few minutes for Austin to contaminate the coffee-processing machinery, rendering it useless (after all, who would drink coffee that had been ground in a machine that a Coati had once pooped in?).

Having foiled the terrorists' plan in a suitable dashing manner, he then freed the imprisoned Civets and made his escape, pressing the conveniently-located 'Self Destruct' button on his way out.

At press time it remained unclear whether former local Alicentaur Mozdoc has anything to do with the evil plan.

Suri Found To Be Coati

Horse and Coati?Suri, local Coati, has been found not to be a Lemur as previously thought. After saying to Argon, local Centaur, that Morticon, local evil Wallaby, had told her he was a Horse, Argon, with his usual logic, told Suri that he was as much like a Horse, as she was like a Coati. Suri seemed convinced that, because Morticon has said Argon was a Horse, it must be true.

Argon then attempted to prove the illogic of this reasoning by pointing out that Suri had a wiggly nose and a striped tail, so she must be a Coati. Bystanders urging Argon to mention that such blind faith had put Hitler in power, were ignored as Argon was well aware of the Hitler rule. (The first one to use Hitler as an argument in a discussion automatically loses said argument.) Strangely, Argon's comparison had entirely the opposite effect he intended. When Argon asked Suri if she was elastic, She answered that she didn't think so. Argon claimed that most Coatis aren't (elastic) and so she must be one! Rather than saying how silly it was to assume she was a Coati due only to several physical similaries, Suri became confused. She finally said she would have to ask Morticon about it.

Flutterz Gets 'The Hat'

Flutterz wears The Hat.Flutterz, local DREAD Pirate wannabe, Flower Fae, has been honored by a Letter of Marque from Amalfi, local plush Rabbit, and dbref #1. Earlier this year, there was some disagreement between Flutterz, and Boki, local Gull over who was more qualified to be in charge of a ship they and several other folks were on. Both Boki and Flutterz were under the impression that whoever wore 'The Hat' was in charge. Flutterz claimed that being a Pirate, she should obviously be the Captain. Boki countered with his observation that his ability to find 'the best fish' and his knowledge of the sea made him the obvious choice. Athough both Flutterz and Boki seemed to have equally compelling arguments, no definitive answer to who was more suited to wear 'The Hat'. Amalfi, although unaware of 'The Hat' controversy, at least gave Flutterz's determination to have 'The Hat' some substance. As seen below, this Letter of Marque seems to officially give Flutterz reason to Captian a ship, if not exactly wear 'The Hat'.

AMALFI, Lieutenant-Governor, and Commander in Chief, in and over Her Majesty's Province of Spindizzy, and its Dependencies, vice Admiral of the same, &c &c

To The Worshipful and Honourable PEPPERMINT PADEMELON,L.L.D Judge and Commissionary of His Majesty's Court of Vice Admiralty for the Province &c &c &c


by Her Majesty's Commission under the Great Seal of Great Britain bearing Date the 6th Day of August in theyear of Our Lord 2002, and in the 50th Year of Her Majesty's Reign, the Lords Commissioners for executing the Office of Lord High Admiral are required and authorized to issue forth and grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal to any of Her Majesty's Subjects or others, whom we shall deem fitly qualified in that Behalf for apprehending, seizing, and taking the Ships, Vessels and Goods belonging to the United States of America, or to any Persons being Subjects of the United States of America (save and except for any Ships to which license has been granted) and to bring the same to Judgement in any of Her Majesty's Courts of Admiralty with his Dominions, for Proceedings and Adjudication and Condemnation to be thereupon had, according to the Court of Admiralty, and the Laws of Nations; These are, therefore, to will and require you to cause a Letter of Marque and Reprisals to be issued out of the High Court of Admiralty unto FLUTTERZ, Commander of the Dread and the Aphid, Burthern of about few Tons, mounted with 10 Carriage Guns carrying Shot of 100 Pounds Weight and navigated with 24 men, whereas the said FLUTTERZ is commander, to apprehend, seize, and take the Ships, Vessels and Goods Belonging to the United States of America, or to any persons being Subjects of France, according to His Majesty's Commission and Instruction aforesaid. And you are to keep an exact Journal of Proceedings, and therein particularly to take notice of all Prizes taken, the nature of such Prizes, the Time and Place of their being taken, the value of them as near as you can judge, as also the Situation, Motion and Strength of the Americans, as well as you can discover by the best Intelligence you can get; of which you shall from Time to Time as you shall have Opportunity, to transmit an Account to our Secretary. Provide always that security be given according to His Majesty's instructions before mentioned; the Said Letters of Marque and Reprisal to continue in force until further orders, for which this shall be your Warrant.

Given under my Hand, and the Great Seal of the Province this 6th day of August 2002 in the 50th year of Her Majesty's Reign.

Boki commented that since he stole his hat, that officially makes him a Pirate. Since Flutterz was given her hat, he's not convinced she's a Pirate at all. Boki then said, "Flutterz can borrow Boki's table on weekends when Boki is not using it! But you should be nice and not put any marques on it!"

Flutterz. when told of Boki's comment, went wide eyed and grimbled. "That bird!"

Snack Tree infested with Tarantulas!

The snack tree. It seems that the snack tree, also known as The Ancient Oak located in the Rose Garden, lovingly used by the inhabitants of the Rose Garden to get a quick random snack, seems to be infested with Taranulas! Several folks who have reached into the branches of the old tree have found their hopes of pulling out a can of soup, a box of Trix, or a chocolate covered Care Bear with sparkels, have instead found themselves with a hand or tenacle or paw full of wiggly mutilegged bug!

To the dismay of Miss Terra Whitepelt, local crazy mink, she has reached into the Ancient Oak and pulled out a total of five tarantulas which she has discovered lolling about within the Tree getting fat on the many snacks within it's branches. Terra, has decided to undertake, as self proclaimed Spindizzy Heroine, a mission of great glory to exterminate the offending critters from the snack tree! To find out if she is successful and completes her quest, or is just crazy, you'll have to buy more papers!

Reports on Terra's quest to rid the Achient Oak of tarantulas will be published in @Action News as they become available.

Early Account Of SpinDizzy

Ship and floating island. As it may be known, I've always been interested in Spindizzy, its method of motive power and in particular its history and future. In researching these things I went on a search of the local museums and donut shops in the vicinity of downtown Spindizzy - something that was a little painful (although the donuts are good) as most of these places are scaled to smaller bipeds and I fell over my four left hooves and down stairs a lot. However it was on one of these unexpected periods of falling and flailing hooves that I found it - a coffee table book, published in the 1980's by the now-defunct Spindizzy Herald-Dispatch Examiner Times-Dispatch ('Lowest Circulation But Longest Titled Newspaper'), of historical articles detailing parts of the history of our fair, flying island.

I've transcribed the earliest work that was in this book, an account of a sighting of a 'flying land' by an explorer of the 17th century. Enjoy!

'An Account of a Heavenly Discovery in the Southern Latitudes

As I enter this matter into the log I find it difficult to account for the date, as we are so low on provisions that the men have dismantled the ship's chronometer and eaten the cogs, their texture and taste not dissimilar to the hardtack we traditionally carry on board. They have also taken to eating parts of the woodwork and carvings of my study and would have continued until I pointed out that such an intake of fiber leads to an inordinate amount of time spent off duty.

This not withstanding, it is on this date that we have come into sight of a most splendid island, one which flies above the surface of these southern oceans much as the thoughts of the most disaffected man of letters do above the concerns of such practical men as myself. It was of considerable size and in appearance was not unlike our own splendid isle of Britain, verdant and green and most inviting in its form, save for if one should be underneath and in its shadow when its method of levitation failed.

As it levitated some feet off the surface of the ocean, I was perplexed and bemused in attempts to find a way unto its enticing surface until it occurred to me to cut down our masts and construct a ladder, on which we were able to ascend the rocky and rugged edge of this isle to its surface.

Once upon its green and lush surface we did encounter many sights such as would amaze even the most jaded and unpleasant minister of Parliament. Included among the wondrous animals we did see there were an oddly malevolent and scheming variety of wallaby, such as only been seen in the odd corners of the world or comedies at the Globe.

We made our return to the ship, and cast off, only then discovering that upon disposing of our makeshift ladder that we had also done away with our masts. Sail-less we drifted across the oceans of the Southern Cross, and discovered many other strange lands on our peregrinations including an isle of supercilious and talking horses, a realm of green and vegetable cultivating giants, a land of persons constructed of cork, and a kingdom of fifty foot tall vixens. Only I shall not be writing of them for now I have been so flowery in my prose that I am out of ink.

God Save the King (Or Queen, as we have been at sea so long we cannot remember which it is that we have),

Sir Henry Ronghway'

So there it is for you readers, the first recorded words on the subject of Spindizzy.

Weekly Survey

Argon doing the survey.This week, Argon asked folks, "I'm doing a survey suggested by Carlos to be published in @Action News. 'If you crashed in the Himalayas, which SpinDizzy character would you eat first?'

  • Casimir says, "Definately Austin. Coatis are so chewy."
  • Alicia says, "...I admit it. I'm a cannibal. I'd eat Effsey."
  • Carlos says, "Since there are no fruit characters, I would eat Ceralor, since dragons are pear-shaped."
  • Terry puffs, "Assuming he's still alive, and I can make it nice and slow, Argon. :>"
  • Ba'ar growls, "other than that...assuming he's dead...Gilead...gilly's a little bit pudgy so there's alot of meat on him."
  • PatchO'Black mews, "I wouldn't need to eat anyone, Argon, as I always have a supply of marshmellows."
  • Alexia says, "Argon. I'm afraid you'd be one of the firsts that I would eat. Not only would you provide sustinace for several days on end, there has been some statistics than humans find equine meat edible."
  • Natasha says, "Personally, I'd pick whoever has the fullest refrigerator."
  • Kinsor skriters, "I suppose I would be the only one who would remember the airplane was full of food."
  • Flutterz would find the Abominable Snowman and invite herself to dinner. Yerp.
  • Sunni eeps, "Morticon."
  • Cobalt steps over to peer around Argon's shoulder in an attempt to read the latter's notes. "Not really into the whole 'eating' thing, myself..." he comments.
  • Morticon -- Any centaur will do, though Argon would be especially delicious.
  • Adara -- I would eat Morticon first because he keeps trying to kidnapp me and it's annoying =P. Besides, we all know wallabys are sooo tasty!
  • Cye says, "All of them Argon? :)"
  • Salem chuffs, "I would suggest Cye, because at least there would be a lot to go around."
  • Shade says, "I would eat Salem, Being my brother, I'd feel less guilt, plus I know where he's been as opposed to a stranger"
  • Slug mind-broadcasts, "None of you look tasty."
  • Drake hmms. "Well, being a herbivore, I'd starve. Or eat whichever of us is a plant life form. :)"
  • Tottle erfs, not knowing many others here. "Myself, I think."
  • Gino signs "In response to your survey Argon..I'd like to eat Mouser to protect all the cute furs of Spindizzy."
  • Mouser hisses, "I guess I'd eat Gino in self-defense."
  • Brittany says, "Here's my answer: I'd order a pizza."
  • Darwin would simply morph into an indigenous species and live off the land. :)
  • Effsey says, "I would eat Austin, chances of survival better without leaders"
  • Eva soulspeaks, "I would have to Say Puzzle unfortunately, For he is my natural prey, however.. That is a ghastly thought."

Letters To The Editor

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

Just what is up with your paper and it's constant liberal conservative attitude towards insects? Everytime we read your paper, there's some story in it that has been horribly twisted and slanted to make us bugs look bad. We are not bad, and perform valuble services to every living thing. It is hard to believe that anyone even reads your paper with this horrible attitude towards insects and their contributions to society.

Insects do a lot of things to make life easier, things neither you nor your newspaper staff would want to do as you certainly feel doing such things would be below you. In spite of the fact that insects buzz around your head, and bite, and crawl in your hair or fur and crawl around in your kitchen and leave their young in rotting food, insects do contribute to society. They perform services that you so take for granted that you aren't even aware of them. If all bugs were to go on strike, you would be in a world of hurt. All sorts of things you never notive happening wouldn't happen, and there you'd be. All of a sudden, you'd wish you'd never have wished there were no bugs, and with two of your three wishes gone, you'd be left having to use your third and last wish to wish that sausage off the end of your nose.

So we hope that this letter will enlighten you to the good things insects do and that you will change your editorial policy toward us.


The Local Fleas

The Doze Garden

The Doze Garden Comic Strip

Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org or qmail or page Argon about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Sunday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News