@ Action News

Argon -- Editor

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Cassie Kidnapped And Released By Auction

Cassie, local arctic fox, was foxnapped in an unknown manner by Morticon, local evil wallaby and leader of the SED, in the mid-afternoon last Saturday. Rather than perform horrible experiments on her or force the young artist to paint pictures glorifying himself and the SED, Morticon decided to hold her for ransom - auction style.

Using this bizarre method via @shouts, Morticon was able to convince Natasha, Steve, and Scruffy to pay more than they had originally intended for the vixen's return. "My original goal was around 100 shinies, but I was impressed that using the auction tactic, along with my usual lieing, cheating, and stealing, allowed me to get 238 shinies when all was said and done," a happy Morticon explained.

After the shinies were paid up, Morticon gave Cassie a free candy bar and then released her to their custody. Cassie was very upset about the foxnapping and stated that "Morticon called me a kid, A KID, I am not a KID!! He stole my snickers bar and he should pay for it." Scruffy had this to say when asked about paying for Cassie's release: "I felt uneasy about chippin' in on the ransom, and providin' Morticon with financial incentive to perform further kidnappin's, but it turned out that he was highly businesslike about the whole thing, aside from a bit of dickering about the ransom. I would highly recommend him to anyone for future kidnappin' and/or extortion related transactions."

No word on if Morticon intends to use this unusual method again to raise funds. A partial use of these funds may be to help keep the SED's accounting honest as documented in the last issue. That is pure speculation on this reporter's part, however.

In the meantime, keep your doors and windows locked and report any suspicious persons lurking about in dark corners with nets, blindfolds, or tranquilizer guns to the appropriate authorities.

Morticon Captured And Released

On Thursday night Morticon, local evil Wallaby was taken away by Cyrus, local neutered Cat and hopeful villain, hoping to form his own force of evil and overthrow SED. Needless to say this did not sit well with many members of SED, or some members of the Spindizzy population. Many residents felt it was better to have Morticon as the 'leading evil-doer' because it was better to have the devil you know than the one you don't. In a rare show of cooperation, both SED members, and others set aside their differences and a rescue party was formed to save Mortitcon.

Cye, local 50 foot Vixen and Lady Ravenwolf, local Wolf, led the charge to Cyrus' dungeon. Cyrus strongly resisted attempts to free Morticon, who was strapped to a laboratory examination table. Strangely, Morticon kept insisting that Cyrus 'not be hurt'. This was unusual, to say the least for the evil Wallaby. After making several threats to both Morticon and his rescuers, Cyrus was overwhelmed by Alicia, local Kitsune's, stun gun as Cye, unable to release the locks on the straps holding Morticon to the exam table, ripped the table, with Morticon still strapped to it out of the floor. With no obvious door, Cye broke though the wall, and carried Morticon off to safety.

Hoping to keep Morticon out of circulation, Cyrus swallowed the only key to the straps holding Morticon to the exam table, and thought himself victorious. Alicia stunned the Cat again and Lady Ravenwolf held him down. Mouser, local Fursnake and SED Henchfur, suggested to Argon, local Centaur, that he hold Cyrus' mouth wide open and he would attempt to retrieve the key to free his boss. Argon, wearing heavy duty gloves, held the Cat's mouth, as Lady Ravenwolf kept him from wiggling as Mouser crawled deep inside. After several comments concerning Cyrus' breath and eating habits, Mouser gave the signal and a slimy Mouser was pulled from Cyrus' gullet, with the key.

The group then took the key to Cye's home in a giant hollow tree where it was quick work to free Morticon. Morticon was quite thankful and gracious, offering his rescuers "Anything I can do for you." With many thanks and claims of owed favors, Morticon wobbled out the door of Cye's home. He was later seen wandering around smiling and giving candy to babies.

Almost An Obituary Article

Ceralor, local Wyrm, and confessed ophidiaphile, is currently in "critical condition", according to self-diagnosis and hysterical wild speculation.

This reporter's accounts of the events leading to this tragic outcome are as follows: At approximately Wednesday, a jubilant, radiant, picture-of-health Ceralor watched a Rose Garden visitor perform a dance. His appraising remarks (Agua! Agua!) caused some understandable confusion, and he was unceremoniously firehosed down by a party, or parties, that have yet to be identified as me. Following regulatory procedures established by the laws of Thermodynamics, Ceralor's flame was extinguished.

The unexpected ceasefire caused havoc in the hapless dragon's metabolism, and Ceralor was soon reduced to a catatonic state. Visual symptoms included cutaneous discoloration, troubled breathing and pronounciation,and melodramatic outbursts from soul incarnate Fortunado.

Being quasi-trained in the mystical arts myself, I took it upon my person to be Ceralor's makeshift medic during this clawclipping crisis. Gathering information obtained from my personal library (*see bibliography), and confirmed by the sulphurous dying gasps of Ceralor himself, I concentrated my efforts in obtaining the elusive 'goldfire' necessary to restore Ceralor to health.

Initial attempts to invoke the mystical flame seemed doomed from the start. Despite the celebrated virtues of Twinkes, their combustion did not bring about any noticeable amount of goldfire. Further research revealed the one reliable source of goldfire to be other dragons. With hardly a dragon within sight of the mighty WHO command, it seemed that one of SpinDizzy's most esteemed members would soon meet his demise.

Luckily, salvation soon presented itself in the form of Seth! With only himself to account for his motives, this modern day Samaritan called upon his own inner alchemy, and resucitated the fallen dragon through the ever popular mouth-to-mouth fire channeling method. While we were unable to film-document the event, our studio's dramatic recreation should be made available for public viewing in time for a Christmas theatrical release.

The witnesses joy was short lived, however, as it was soon revealed that the event had taken an unforseen and devastating toll on Ceralor. A 'half-death', as it were, which resulted in spiritual fragmentation, described by Ceralor himself as being 'worse than actual death'.

Despite obvious physical and mental anguish, Ceralor's despair did not entirely crush his spirit. By the time this article was released, a small, heroic group had begun to assemble for a quest to travel to a terrifying Underworld, where Ceralor's lost soul fragment is believed to be.

Should you be of stout heart and noble aspirations, please contribute your battle skills to this noble venture. Fortune and glory may be within your grasp, as well as the chance to aid an ailing SpinDizzy resident. Adventurers please send your resumés to Ceralor, at emerz@iglou.com .

*Professor R. Hagrid's bestselling "Care of Magical Creatures" (be sure to check out "Smuggling of Magical Creatures", coming out next year)

Tall Tales from the Lilliputians: The First Roasted Marshmellow

Patch-o-Black has been known to distribute marshmellows on occasion in the Rose Garden. One of these marshmellows was given to a small society of barbarian Lilliputians that reside on Hefon the Turtle’s shell.

Darreth, local civilized barbarian farmer, informed the local military that a large white object fell from the sky onto his mini-cattle. The militia, armed with spears and war-paint, showed up to investigate. The tribe kept its distance from the object.

The venerable War-Chief sent his most respected warrior, Lightfoot, to investigate. He became famous after leading a desperate charge against a giant wallaby.

Lightfoot was puzzled. Not only were the cattle fine, but the object was soft. He decided to try something bold. He grabbed a tuft of the stuff and ate it himself. The barbarian villagers were fearful at first, but Lightfoot convinced them that this was a gift from the gods.

Naturally, the Barbarians decided to celebrate by consuming powerful Lilliputian beer in excessive quantities. They become rowdy and destructive (in fact, no building lasts long on Hefon’s back). Somehow the marshmellow ended up getting lit on fire. The tough and hardy villagers consumed the burning marshmellow and found it to be very good… until it got burnt. Fierce barbarians like them don’t mind getting burned.

And thus the story of the first roasted Marshmellow in Hefon City.

Census Of Coldfyre's Tails Is In!

Earlier this week, Butterscotch and I took up the huge task of counting Coldfyre's tails. The coonfoxie wasn't quite sure if he really had 100 and being bored, I decided to find out for him. Shortly after starting, I enlisted the help of Butterscotch. I'd count them, she'd tag them, just to prevent miscounting from furry error and whenever Coldfyre jiggled us around with waving his tails at anyone that came into the Rose Garden.

At the end of our work, we discovered that he does indeed have 100, and, not to waste all that time counting, we also made a list of each and every tail. We even found some unusual ones, which I might investigate and write about in a future article, who knows.

And so without further delay, our findings:
1. Mouse
2. Peacock feathers
3. Raccoon
4. Squirrel
5. Skunk
6. Wolf (black)7. Coyote
8. Lobster
9. Mechanical tail with various compartments and tools (Swiss Army tail?)
10. Alligator
11. Elephant
12. Leopard
13. Hyena
14. Ringtail
15. Eel
16. Giraffe
17. Pig
18. Housecat (black with brown flecks)
19. Wolf grey)
20. Porcupine (carefully insulated by thick fox tails)
21. Cougar
22. Gila Monster
23. Horse (pearly white)
24, Gray fox
25. King snake
26 - 55. Red Fox
56. Monkey
57. Rat
58. Scorpion
59. Lion
60. Pangolin
61. Donkey
62. Samoyed
63. Fish (Boki, no eating Coldfyre's tail)
64. Seahorse
65. Tiger
66. Wallaby
67. Chameleon
68. Poodle
69. Kangaroo
70. Dragon (blue and scaley)
71. Raven feathers
72. Dolphin
73. Jackal
74. Ferret
75. Shark
76. Dragon (green and smooth with a row of long spines)
77. Rhino
78. Salamander
79. Mongoose
80. Weasel
81. Beaver
82. Coatimundi
83. Armadillo
84. Wolverine
85. Ostrich plumes
86. Rattlesnake
87. Otter
88. Red Panda
89. Manta Ray
90. Meerkat
91. Opossum
92. Iguana
93. Kangaroo rat
94. Unidentified species- translucent, iridescent gel-like tendril, with three glowing (bioluminescent?) spheres embedded in a row near the tip.
95. Unidentified species- resembles a multi-layered organic umbrella; rings of spines with membranes between them can pop open all along its length96. Unidentified species- shiny black, segmented into many small sections, thin and long with two prongs at the tip and two rows of green dots along its length.
97. Unidentified species- some sort of plant, looks like a vine with a few short, leafy stems sprouting from it.
98. Unidentified species- appears to be aquatic; a smooth, thin, aqua-colored tail with a fan-shaped fin on the end.
99. Unidentified species- looks like a fox tail, but is purple instead of orange-red.
100. Bunny (hidden behind all the others)

And there we are, 100 tails connected to one coonfoxie. Since there's not much else to say at this time, I'd just like to thank Coldfyre for being patient while I counted his tails and also Butterscotch for helping me.

Otter Cleverness

Gilead, local Otter, made a string of puns last week based on Kangaroos and Wallabies.

Gilead chirps, "Who shot John Fitzgerald Kangaroonedy?"
Gilead chirps, "Lee Harvey Oswallaby."
Gilead chirps, "Who shot him?"
Gilead chirps, "Jack 'Rooby."
Gilead chirps, "Who covered it up? The Koalarren commission."
Gilead chirps, "That one's stretching it, I know."

I thought this was worth sharing.

Progenitor's Day

A public service message from the Alternative Families Council of Spindizzy: In May we celebrate Mothers' Day, and in June Fathers' Day. These are fine holidays, so far as they go, yet they fail to provide a fitting pretext for filial celebration for those many Spindizzy residents who were cloned, built, dispensed by vending-wallabies, etc. Therefore Sunday, July 21st, will be celebrated as Progenitors' Day, a day to pay homage to the person who built, cloned, dispensed, etc., you.

Weekly Survey

This week, Argon asked folks, "I'm doing a survey to be published in @Action News. "What should the residents of SpinDizzy call themselves?"
  • Boki squalls, "Disease!"
  • Ceralor fuzzliy squeeks, "confused? spinners? esdians?"
  • Tabitha purrs, "Furs!"
  • Butterscotch murrs, "DizzyFurs"
  • Cye says, "really confused furs!"
  • Ceralor deeply says, "dizzyputians"
  • Rick says, "Dizzycentaurs!"
  • Butterscotch murrs, "dizzites"
  • Akeakami comments, "SPinDykes!"
  • PatchO'Black mews, "Spindizzy-ians!"
  • Drake says, "The Diz-sters. Uh, the Spinsters. Er.... no. The Dizzy Spinners. :)"
  • Akeakami comments, "Idiots"
  • Scruffy calls himself Scruffy, and by induction assumes everyone else calls themself that too.
  • Starblade says, "Spindizzians?"
  • Whitesilk telepaths, << Spindizzionians! >>
  • Sunni says, "dizzies""
  • Tarka says, "Dizzyins, or how about the 'Children of otter."
  • Gilead chirps, "Spindizzians, I think, or subjects of the Coati."
  • Drake says, "Dizzyspinners. :)"
  • Natasha says, "I don't think that can be adequately answered yet, since there hasn't even been a consensus on whether the 'd' in 'Spindizzy' should be capitalized."
  • Mouser hisses, "Disfunctional?"
  • Terra myrrs, "Terrans!"
  • Salem pages, "I think we should call ourselves the Dizzens." to you.
  • Starblade says, "Why not the spizzies?"

Demand From Aliens

This letter was recieved in apparent response to a cartoon run in an earlier edition of @Action News.

Subject: Demand from Aliens

To: newspaper@spindizzy.org

Re: Sequal to Doze Garden cartoon in @Action News 93

Puny Spindizzyites! We bet that our fiendish creation has by now wreaked terrible havoc upon your puny realm. Yes, the being called Arkitah, the worst roleplayer in the Universe, has filled your realm with nonsensicle plot lines, ridiculous magic effects and we even used our space-age alien technology to make it impossible for anybody to get him to stop talking. We will relieve you of this torment only if you give in to our demands.

One: You are to bow down to our will and call us Master.

Two: You will build us a death ray using materials only avialable on your world, which we will use to hold the Universe hostage. We provide the instructions and the hammocks and lemonade (which would be for us, of course).

Three: You will convert the Rose Garden into a poorly scripted Reality Show involving so-called "celebrities" that nobody has ever heard of and gladitorial combat. We aliens need stuff to watch on our downtime. The Rose Garden's name is to be changed to 'War World.'

Four: You are to learn our language within foty-eight hours. Actually, you only need to learn the word for 'yes master'. That word is "aljkfsl;sgfpdfk?%"

Five: You are to find us a snipe. We will not tell you what one is, but you still must get one for us.

Six: You will rewrite history according to our specifications. That is, your people were always under our rule.

Have a nice day.

The Doze Garden

The Doze Garden Comic Strip

Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to argon@spindizzy.org or qmail or page Argon about it.

Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.Ê