4/28/2002

Argon ~ Editor
 

Don't forget to read the muck's bulletin board. Connect and enter +read.
Investigative Reporter News Flash! We Are All Doomed!
 
Today it was learned that there is a full scale war among the organization of the SED. Most of the members are slinking about, but the resent withdrawal of Morticon from active SED leadership has left a vacuum in his place. You can hear the sucking sound of the void trying to fill at the SED HQ. Or maybe that is something else, as this reporter hasn't been able to enter those walls for
some time.
 
How could this have happened to the SED now? At the height of their power? I, Investigative Reporter, have endeavored to find out for you.
 
Turns out that Morticon was just getting tired of being evil. Everyone knows that he is really good deep down, so it is this reporter'ss opinion, and mine is worth more than anyone else's, that soon Morticon will become a force of good, not evil! The fur on the street also seems to think so.
 
A random fur said, "I have always thought that Morticon was really good deep down and that is why most of the SEDs plans failed. The only thing I worry about now is who will take over the SED next. Everyone knows that if Mouser takes over the leadership we are all doomed."
 
There you have it everyone. What can be done about the leadership of the SED? This reporter dug deep and interviewed an otter that claims to have created the SED. His name withheld at his request.
 
An anonymous otter said, "Doom doom doom doom doom doom! I love that sound! You're all doomed! At long last the empire of the otter will rule! Mahahahahahahahaha!"
 
Last of all I would like to tell everyone not to worry. This reporter will stay on top of this story and report more when I hear of it.
 
Super Investigative reporter signing off.
Argon Beach Party Bingo
  This weekend, May 4th - whenever, the Rose Garden will succumb to global warming and become beachside property.  So, Austin, local Coati and Head Wiz suggests that you get your beach gear (and description) and get ready for some fun under the sun, or sea.

Austin notes this is just for fun, and if (like me) you're resistant to changing your description for IC or OOC reasons, be assured that changing it for this event won't cost you credibility. The 'reality' of the beach party is only in the space time bubble of the Rose Garden during this particular weekend, and reality everyplace and time else will not be effected.

So if you've wanted to be a Hippocampus, or see what's under Ariel's shells, here's your chance!  The Beach Party Weekend!  This weekend, starting May 4th!
Argon The Isle Of Boki
  Many folks have heard of The Isle of Boki, so this reporter did some inquiring and discovered the following story.  Boki suggests that there might be some truth to it.

Once upon a time, there was a young Seagull.  His name was Boki.  He was ready to travel the world, and make a name for himself.  He made a home on the mast of a ship.  In his worldly innocence, he was unaware that this was a ship of pirates, with a wily Cat as it's captain. As time went by, he learned to speak when he had something to say, and stay silent when he didn't.  The crew of the ship adopted the Gull as a mascot of sorts, and laughed at him when instead of saying "Yo ho ho!" as they did, he would say, "Oh ho!"

It came to pass that the captain of this pirate ship discovered a map, which would lead them all to wealth and riches.  The captain gave the map to the ship's navigator, who was a Raccoon, for safe keeping. The Raccoon navigator was very interested in treasure because it was shiny. The navigator was also a great friend of the seagull, who would often walk about the charts on his table saying, "Oh ho!" The navigator had for a long time, tried to teach the gull, that it was "Yo ho ho!" , not "Oh ho!" , but the gull didn't seem to understand.

One dark stormy day, as the gull padded about the chart table, saying "Oh ho!" , the navigator, worried over the fierce storm and frustrated at being off course, in desperation wrote the phrase down on a piece of a chart and gave it to the gull saying, "This is how you say it.  You will never be master of a ship saying, 'Oh ho!' you silly gull!" The gull took the paper and flew off, placing it in his nest at the top of the mast.

The navigator forgot about the gull, and sorted through his charts to prepare the course to the island on the chart the captain had given him.  He soon realized that the piece of paper he had given the gull was the part of the chart where the ship needed to land on the island.  Because he had to make the decision where to sail then, and the gull was not around, he guessed where the ship would go.

The captain asked the navigator is he was sure his course was right.  The navigator, not wanting to admit to have given away the piece of the map, assured the captain it was.  The captain, not believing the navigator demanded to see the map.  The navigator lied refused, asking the captain if he did not trust him. In the meantime, the gull who had the piece of the map flew down, and tried to tell both of them which way to go.  The captain thought the gull was trying to take over the ship, and shooed him away.  Then grabbed the chart from the navigator.  Seeing the piece missing, the captain went into a rage, calling the navigator many names. 

The waves crashed against the hull of the ship, the wind blew, and the ship rocked from side to side and the pirates fought to keep it under control.  The roar of the waves against the hull of the ship, and the sound of the ocean hid the sound of mighty waves crashing against the stone reef surrounding the island.  With a mighty lurch and a crash the ship ground against the sharp rocks of the reef.

It was chaos as the pirates shouted, "Everyone for himself!" and piled themselves and their valuables into the lifeboats.  Some jumped into the water and swam for shore, others cowered on board the ship.  The gull flew to the beach, where he waited.

As the pirates landed, the storm cleared, and soon they were fighting among themselves.  One group wanted to search the island for treasure, the others wanted to get rescued. Half mutinied against the captain and he and the navigator were held prisoner. 

The gull found the Captain s hat, and put it on.  He walked to the group and said, "Oh ho!  You should listen to Boki!"   No one did.  The captain, the navigator escaped and with some of the pirates fitted out a lifeboat and sailed away, finding lives as lawyers.  The other group searched the island for treasure.  They soon found that the island had many mysteries and dangers.  And they died. 

Of all those from the pirate ship, only Boki remained alive.  He found many tasty things to eat, and was able to avoid the dangers and greed that killed the pirates.  Someday, you too may have a chance to perhaps avoid death, and find the treasure that may await you on The Isle of Boki!
Arkitah (Perhaps) Arkiphantasmic Letter
 

This was mysteriously sent to the editor on a sheet of what looked like paper, but could not be touched or manipulated.  Once the story was recorded on real paper, it vanished.

 

I love magic, but this time it got me in trouble.  I got into magic by changing my nature, so that I half no longer existed.  Half of me needed to exist so that I could do magic in your world.  It was fun, if sometimes a bit unpleasant.

 

I had to perform one piece of magic that involved time travel, in order to drop Jumanji off on Earth in the distant past.  I put a lot of work into creating Jumanji, and I thought that the people of Earth would love it.  Anyway, the time travel spell caused me to go insane.

 

Shoe the Enchantress locked me in my lair for my own safety.  Unfortunately, the enchantress locked me in there too long!  Time flows differently in my secret lair.  The half of me that existed fell into hibernation in order to conserve its energy.

 

A terrible wind, which I believe must have been from the enchantress, has blown my lair far, far out of my reach.

            

Since I am no longer connected with my body, I no longer exist.  My magical powers have radically expanded, and I can see so much more of the unreal world… but I cannot interact with your world.  It takes so much of my strength just to appear visible in your universe!

           

I want my body back, but it is adrift, adrift in a magical forest that can only be found in a magical fog.  I think my body could survive a long time in hibernation, but if it ever gets destroyed… If I ever get back, I will have such great stories about the unreal world!

 

The rest of the letter was made up of strange symbols, apparently some sort of language that we have never seen before.  Our top scholars are working on it right now!  It was signed in English by Arkitah.
Mouser How To Catch Suri The Velociraptor
 
From Mouser's Hunting Journal

Plan A:  Attempt to trip the beast by cutting off the circulation in a leg through constriction.  Result:  Beast uses you as an ankle-bracelet.  On to Plan B.

 
Plan B:  Imitating Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, attempt to brow-beat the reptile into submitting to your superior intellect.  Result:  Reptile ignores you.  On to Plan C.
 
Plan C:  Tie one end of yourself to the flubber spigot in the Rose Garden and the other about the creature's big toe, tripping the monster and rendering it unconscious.  Result:  Creature causes you  to pull the valve off of the flubber spigot.  The resulting spray and the creature's stretching
pull you out to 30 feet long.  On to Plan D.
 
Plan D:  Taking advantage of your new, elongated form, tie yourself into a lasso and attempt to snare the beast.  Use your tail to push you and her to Morticon's lab.  Result:  Failure to take into account the 'raptor's weight; unable to budge her.  On to Plan E.
 
Plan E:  Calculating the precise trajectory it will take to launch Suri from the Rose Garden to SED HQ, wrap yourself around a pair of rocks behind Suri repeatedly, forming the business end of a slingshot.  Result:  Creature gets up and walks over to investigate something just as you hit the release. Resulting misfire stretches you out to 40 feet now.  On to Plan F... (etc...)
Tarka Book Review
 
The book we shell review today is 'The Battle of Forever' by A. E. Van Vogt. It is an older Sci-Fi book so if you happen to read it you will be surprised at the classic style of its SF.
 
This action adventure book is the perfect furry affair. As there are hundreds of different types of beast-men as they are called in the book. Better known as morphs to us furry people. The story actually follows the antics of a powerful human person from the far future and his first steps in an animal world of his ancestors' creation. There are only 1000 humans in this future and they haven't been out of their little haven of the 1000 for thousands of years. So long that the animal men of that time can barely remember who he even is.
 
What he finds though is very different from the perfect world that they once left behind. It is his path of discovery and the friends that he makes that makes this a fun and adventuresome story. With bombs and black holes. Aliens and battles.
 
A story for anyone that loves morphic stories, SF, and adventure will love. One story to rule them all.
Argon Weekly Survey
  Argon asked in this week's survey, I'm doing a survey to be published in @Action News.The question this week comes from Suri and Gilead who ask, "How should Jar Jar Binks die in the new Star Wars movie?" (Associated cartoon, http://pixelated.purrsia.com/2002/px020401.htm )
Terra chirps sweetly. "He should suddenly discover himself in a garbage chute, while screaming to 3P0 about how sowwy he is and that heesa maybe should get out...only to discover the Blarg in the garbage chute is a whole lot friendlier than Luke found him out to be later...then he should narrowly escape the mashers, to run into a garrison of Storm Troopers, get stuck to Chewbacca's head, to get tossed down one of those ridiculously deep shafts the Empire seems fond of.
Sergo rawrs, "I've got a better one, he's murdered by an anti-Gungan resistance of those faithful to the Amidala administration on Naboo."
Mouser hisses, "I'd have him be the way Anakin discovered how he could use the Dark Side of the Force to strangle folks..."
Mavra says, "Oh yes, I answered that with 'Quickly and Suddenly'."
Rown says, "Hung by his gonads and beaten like a piñata. :-)"
Tarien says, "hung by that accursed tongue"
Gina_Doberman says, "His ears should be sliced off and stuffed down his throat!"
Gino writes "how about turning some SW fan boys loose on Jar Jar...that'll drive him permanently insane."
Hefon rumbles, "Jar should be inflated with hot air until he pops."
Cye says, "Decapitation via light saber."
Ceralor quietly says, "let him get run over by a pod racer."
Boki waarks, "Oh ho? They should close then door when he is coming! Then it will not be ajar!"
Hefon rumbles, "By the cheers and applause of the audience."
Darwin says, "Very painfully.  I'd say drop him in a sarlac pit, but that would be cruelty to sarlacs."
Rick says, "Very slowly over a hot bed of coal is how Jar Jar Binks should die, Argon."
Austin says, "Derezzing his program."
Flutterz glimmers, "S'bein' pan fried with s'shroomies...s'bein' fed t's'wallabies. Yerp."
Suri says, "I think they shouldn't actually show his death, but rather just imply it, by showing stuff in the background like his head mounted on a plaque in a curio shoppe, or his foot being used for an umbrella stand in Anakin's hallway, etc..."
Gilead chirps, "He should run afoul of Jabba the Hutt, in some small, seemingly insignificant way. Maybe spill something on him. He'll say "Meesa sowwy!" and that will seem to be the end of it. Except then he won't be seen again the entire film, until at the very end...the camera fades to a picture of the Sarlacc pit, from which can be heard an echoing "Meesa really sowwy! Really really sowwy!" And maybe they can dub his pitiful voice into the next re-re-re-re-release of Return of the Jedi too, since it'd take 1000 years to digest him and all."
Arkitah wisps, "I know! He should lose a duel with his evil twin brother. Then, since his evil twin brother is also annoying, he would have to lose a duel with another evil twin brother... and..."
Boki The Doze Garden 
 

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