09/23/2001  
Newswire Sourses Ancient Oak Sprouts Improvements
  Argon, local Centaur, has announced that a few improvements to The Ancient Oak, located in the Rose Garden, have been made.  He claimed that the tree's penchant to give folks the same 'snack' several times in a row, has been eliminated.  In addition, modifications have been made which cause the tree to delay dispensing  another 'snack' to one who has just had a 'snack'.  Concern was expressed over folks snacking too much, and getting fat backsides.  Seeing someone's butt get wider in front of your eyes as they snack was irritating  some folk's sensibilities.

Argon claimed he had little to do with these improvements, that they were actually implemented by a local Raccoon who has asked to not be named, Terry, local Otter, and Wyn, a Wulffie (?) from else muck  The old saying, "It's not what you know, but who you know', or 'It isn't knowing the answer, but knowing where to find it," is illustrated by the help, advice, and expertise of these folks.  Thanks to you all! And try the 'snacks' from the Rose Garden's Ancient Oak.
Argon Weekly Survey
  Argon asked in this week's survey, "I'm doing a survey to be published in @Action News. What's your favorite season and why?"
Gina_Doberman says, "Summer. Because theres no snow!"
Stars'_Pyre telempathy-sings, "Paprika! But don't quote me on that = P"
Felicia says, "I have to say summer as well, no snow, warm temps, and storms."
Mavra says, "Winter, because I can sleep comfortably in the coolness."
Natasha says, "Definitely the wet season. There's more relief from the heat than in the dry season."
PatchO'Black mews, "I like the holiday season."
Dellway chrrphisses, "Spring, cause that's when I eat the most ;
Mouser hisses, "That's a no-brainer, Argon. Summer--you ever try crawling on your belly in the snow?"
Flutterz ahems. Fall. "Fall because of the death of John Barleycorn harvest and Hallow's Halloween." 
Drake oh's. "OK then.... fall. My fav season is fall. Fall colors.... the crisp air. Fall in Virginia, ah........"
Spin chitters, "Hum... well I like Fall because that's when all the nuts start growing."
Dizzy sighs. "Well Winter is nice. It reminds us all to be grateful for the warmth of hearth, home and family. It brings people together, and calms the soul. Winter is very quiet."
Newswire Sourses Park Bench Parade
 
Recently, the DREAD fae got hold of a hot glue gun (scary, hm?) While visiting the Rose Garden the other day she began gluing rose petals to a bench until it was completely covered. Flutterz decided it looked as good and glue-y as any parade float she’d ever seen! She then proclaimed to the garden occupants that they were going to have a parade, the...Rose Garden Flower Bench Parade, in fact. Having made the proclamation, Flutterz started looking around for a Rose Garden Flower Bench Parade Princess...and it was just at this point that Kaya arrived. The fae pounced with a sparkly tiara and the cetan became a princess! Next, a Grand Marshal was needed for the parade, and, Skyler, being the only other occupant of the garden at the time that wasn’t completely bone idle, was given a shiny sheriff’s badge and a bullhorn and asked to lead the parade. The rabbit-bird at first had some trouble with feedback from the bullhorn but eventually was able to take his place on the bench next to Kaya’s and wave to the crowds! Flutterz has decided to add float building and parade management to her lengthening list of employable skills (DREAD pirating being top of the list, of course)
Dr. Gast Book Summary
  THE LORD OF THE RINGS
By J.R.R. TOLKIEN

BILBO: I'm crazy. Poof! *disappears*
FRODO: Well, I guess I get the ring that my guardian received under very mysterious
circumstances. It can't be dangerous or anything.
GANDALF: Frodo, that ring is dangerous! Don't wear it!
FRODO: Okay. *wears it*
GANDALF: By the way, I've known this for years, but you wearing that ring is causing it to
devour your soul.
FRODO: Aw, damn. Guess I should destroy it, eh?
GANDALF: Yeah, especially since it falling into the wrong hands will end the world.
RINGWRAITHS: Hi there. We're the wrong hands.
GANDALF: Frodo, the ring sucks. Undertake a long and arduous quest to toss it into a
volcano.
FRODO: Too bad this story isn't set in modern times, otherwise I could just toss it in the
laundry and nobody would ever see it again. Well, I'm off to the volcano.
SAM: Wait! Let me come along and be your bumbling yet pure-hearted manservant.
FRODO: Okay.
MERRY AND PIPPIN: And let us come along and do nothing useful except lengthen the trilogy
for a whole volume with our meaningless misadventures.
FRODO: Okay.
STRIDER: And let me come along because you suck.
FRODO: Okay.

FRODO: Wow, there were certainly a lot of adventures involved in getting to Elron's crib,
huh?
ELRON: Good thing you got here, though. Now I can fill in some unnecessary back story and
set you up with even more useless partners.
BOROMIR, LEGOLAS, AND GIMLI: Yo!
FRODO: Well, let's go then. Don't forget to bicker and argue a lot along the way.

FRODO: We're in the legendary Mines of Moria.
GANDALF: I'm dead.
FRODO: Oh well.

FRODO: Well those misadventures up until the point where Boromir turns traitor and tries to
take the ring sure were interesting, huh?
SAM: Sure were. Er, what did you just say about Boromir.
BOROMIR: GRR-BAH!
FRODO: Sam, let's kill Boromir and run off together.
SAM: Okay.
BOROMIR: Ow!
FRODO AND SAM: *run*

STRIDER: Hmm, Boromir is dead. Let's have some adventures in a nearby kingdom!
OTHERS: Okay.

MERRY AND PIPPIN: Oops, we got split up. Don't we suck?
ENTS: Yes, but by sheer coincidence your bumbling have made you our allies.
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Cool. Let's go defeat an evil wizard.

SARUMAN: I'm evil.
GANDALF: Saruman, you didn't kill me so that I could revive via an inexplicable Deus Ex
Machina, did you?
SARUMAN: Uh...
GANDALF: Saruman, you suck.
SARUMAN: No I don't.
GANDALF: Yes you do.
SARUMAN: No I don't.
ENTS: Yes you do.
SARUMAN: Oops. Looks like I'm defeated then.
GANDALF: I rule.

FRODO: Oh, the story's about us again. Guess it's time to have some adventures in the land
of Mordor.
SAM AND FRODO: We are very tired.
SAM AND FRODO: We are very tired and hungry.
SAM AND FRODO: We are very tired and hungry and thirsty.
GOLLUM: Hi. Gollum.
FRODO: Gollum, come with us.
GOLLUM: Er, no. I'm evil, sorry. Gollum.
FRODO: *bitchslap*
SAM AND FRODO AND GOLLUM: We are very tired and hungry and thirsty.
SAM AND FRODO AND GOLLUM: We are very tired and hungry and thirsty.
FRODO: I'm being killed by a spider.
GOLLUM: Ha ha! *flee*

STRIDER: Let's all go participate in a war against the evil!
MERRY AND PIPPIN: Good idea. Oops, looks like we're losing. Only a well-timed Deus Ex
Machina can save us now.

FRODO: I am very tired and hungry and thirsty and being eaten by a spider.
SAM: Don't worry, my power of friendship will save you. Hai!
FRODO: Oh yay. Now I'm just tired and hungry and thirsty. Well, time to save the world.
SAM: We're at the big volcano! Chuck the ring.
FRODO: I can't, because my soul has become too overcome by the ring and I am unable to
control my blah blah blah blah blah.
GOLLUM: Hey look! I got the ring! Oh look! I'm falling into the volcano!
SAM: Hooray for irony!

SAURON: Gee, a helpful but unnecessary addition to my already vast force of evil has been
destroyed. Guess I'll die and let my entire empire crumble in an instant.
GANDALF: Well, THAT was easy.
FRODO: Hi, we're back. Guess the story's over now that the one ring's been destroyed and
all the major characters have been accounted for, right?
TOLKIEN: Nope.
SHIRE: We're under attack!
FRODO: Gee, the Shire's under attack by an insignificant force of brutes. Go away, you
silly little men. Can we call it quits now, Mr. Tolkien?
TOLKIEN: Hmm, it still doesn't seem like the end's been dragged on long enough. Why don't
you all ceremoniously sail away from Middle Earth for no adequately defined reason.
FRODO: Whatever. Bye!
READERS: Bye!

THE END
By Maxl, Former Editor with Mad Skillz MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT: New TV Show Mobile Riot Helps Bring Joys of Being UC Student To Whole World
  Ah, Television! The great purveyor of all things bountiful and wonderful has finally produced something even more bountiful and wonderful than anything else in the world. Live televised rioting and horrible atrocities AS THEY HAPPEN! Yes, kids, reality TV has finally given up and gone super-low budget. In what started as an 'art' experiment by drug-addled fine arts majors at the University of Colorado at Boulder, footage of drunken frat boys smashing windows and beating your daughter are now being recorded on Super-8 film and being sold to UPN. These 'riots', which are indeed mobile, usually take place around the university when some drunken
oversexed frat guy decides to light a couch on fire to protest all the evils of the world, and then further proceeds to protest the evils of the world by beating the crap out of his neighbors.

This show is expected to not only entertain, but also help meet the university's goal of having smaller incoming classes of freshmen.

Note: Due to the fact that the show is obviously tasteless trash, it will never be aired.
Argon The Doze Garden
 

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