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The Society of Evil Doers (SED), allegedly headed by Morticon, local wallaby, has gained additional personel this past week.

It was with some suprize that this reporter heard that Portia, local red panda, had joined the SED. This was learned when she mentioned, "I just recently got hired as a researcher for the local evil doers society."

This caused me to raise an eyebrow as I had thought the well known and respected "Wah" was on the side of good. She seemed far too ladylike and intellegent to associate herself with the SED. So I asked her for an interview.

Argon says, "So, I understand you've joined the SED. Why?"

Portia lilts, "I was given an opportunity to do something I've always wanted to do. Have a job doing research."

Argon says, "But, certainly you're aware of the evil things the SED does. They are mean and lawless. You aren't at all like them."

Portia lilts, "They are not lawless. They have their own way of doing things, that is true, but lawless I would not say."

Argon says, "But they're trying to take over SpinDizzy."

Portia lilts, "Aren't others trying to do the same thing? If it is not good, it is evil. Or to the evil ones you call, you are the evil to them. I'm more of a neutralist."

Argon says, "A neutralist wouldn't align herself with either group then."

Portia lilts, "Ahh.. that is not true. A neutralist looks at her own self interest and take opportunities to further her own desires."

Portia lilts, "I find it strange that politeness is equated with goodness. As well as chaotic behavior must be evil."

Argon says, "Even when her associations and knowledge may be used to harm others with no regard to her own self interest?"

Argon says, "And what if you refuse to follow the SED's agenda? What if the SED throws you out, or worse yet, sees you as a threat?"

Portia lilts, "But I am associated with others. I have friends on the side good and I have friends on the side of evil. I have friends who are like me. I do not wish for others to be harmed, but it is all apart of life."

Portia lilts, "well if they throw me out, I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and move one."

Argon says, "So you would prefer to see your needs met at the cost of innocents?"

Portia lilts, "If they see me as a threat, well, I'll have to cross that bridge when it comes."

Portia lilts, "Well, of course not."

Argon says, "I must say your association with the SED suprises me, particularly being a member of royalty."

Portia lilts, "I am not of royalty, sir. I'm am of the upper crust, but you are again associating manners and proper behavior with good."

Argon says, "So, you're evil then?"

Portia lilts, "They are not one and the same."

Portia lilts, "Oh no, I am certainly not evil."

Portia lilts, "I am not good either. I am more of that grey area, you see. I am on the side of knowledge."

Argon says, "My personal feeling is that you are a polite, well mannered, intellegent young lady. I must admit you joint the SED for any reason confounds me."

Argon says, "Unless...."

Argon says, "I've heard some rumors that might explain this situation."

Portia blushes a bit,"Thank you for your compliment."

Portia blinks and looks at you,"Rumors?"

Argon says, "There has been some mention that you and Morticon might be romantically involved. You were seen at the movies sitting together, and there have been other rumors that are unsubstantiated. "

Argon says, "Is there any truth to this, that you and Morticon are 'close'?"

Portia colours just a hair and says,"Morticon and I are friends."

Portia lilts, "However, I do not believe that I am dating anyone. If I were dating someone, I would be happy to tell you."

Argon says, "So, you're friends with the leader of SpinDizzies only criminal group who wants nothing more than to take over the place and make everyone, especially centaurs, his slaves?"

Portia lilts, "Yes, though I am friends with many others. Yourself included."

Argon says, "Well, you are judged by the company you keep, Portia. I'd be careful with that crowd."

Portia lilts, "I hope that those who know me and have talked with me judges me more by who I am than those I am with."

Argon says, "Yes, but this news will certianly make many question their judgement, I'm afraid."

Argon says, "It certainly suprised me."

Argon says, "But, is there anything you'd like to add to this before it's put in the paper?"

Portia lilts, "Well it was an opportunity that no one else offered me. They sought me out, not the other way around, you know" You say, "Because they'll use you. And all you had to do was ask."

Portia lilts, "Ahh, but whose to say they are the only ones using?"

Argon says, "Well, I just hope it works out for you."

Argon says, "So, anything else you'd like to say?"

Portia nods and adds,"I am a smart girl Argon. I have checked my contract, had things removed, had things added, and retained a copy for myself.

Argon says, "Tell me, who signed that contract?"

Portia lilts, "Myself and Morticon."

Portia lilts, "He signed it first." You say, "I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him." You say, "Anyway, I have enough for an interview."

Portia lilts, "I've got a contract to hold him too."

Portia nods and smiles. You say, "I wish you well, and hope you get out of this all right. I like pandas and raccoons and would hate to see something bad happen to two of my favorites types of people."

Argon smiles

Portia smiles,"well I happen to like Wallabies and Centaurs." You say, "Thanks, Portia. (blush) Aww... thanks!" You scritch Portia!

Portia blushes and mms.

Argon says, "Thank you, Portia"

It is possible that Portia, with her intellegence and skill is using Morticon and the SED for her own purposes. Only the future will tell what the result of this will be.

One of the Society of Evil Doers (SED) most "feared" (or so they think) weapons are the SED ninjas. A large sometimes well coordinated group of black clothed, masked oriental beings with all sorts of swords, numchucks, shooting stars, knives, bandaids and splints, make occaisional appearances on SpinDizzy. CLaiming to be under the control of the SED, their "attacts" like many SED attempts, usually end in defeat and frustration when the Ninjas face off against most any SpinDizzian. The ninjas seem to have particullarly bad luck when facing SpinDizzy's centaur population.

So it was a suprize to arrive in the Rose Garden this week and find a single SED ninja, Who's number will not be revealed to protect his identity, calmly discussing his place in the SED and his desire to get out.

Vassily. local two toed sloth urged the group to give the ninja a chance as he wanted to give him a chance. Local centaur, Argon, was suspcious, but after asking a few questions agreed that it was worth giving the ninja a chance.

Within moments, 24 other ninjas arrives ording the one to rejoin the group. The lone ninja, not sure he wanted to go back, stood behind Argon, placing the large centaur between himself and the gaggle of ninjas. After asking a few questions and making some demands, Argon told the group of Ninjas that the single ninja was his groomer. He tossed the ninja a brush, which the ninja, who's physical and mental abilities had been sharpened to perfection missed, amd told him to start grooming. This confused the other ninjas who said they'd be keeping an eye on him and dissapeared.

The single ninja dissapeared too, so Argon is going to have to find another groomer.

When arriving in the Rose Garden, and saying hello to folks, Argon, local centaur took note of Shady Raccoony. Shady, who had from Argon's earliest memory been a raccoon has lately has been sporting human form. However this week in the Rose Garden, Shady was seen wearing a gothy style jacket with a hood pulled so far forward his face can't be seen.

When asked about the hood, Shady replied, "Long story about that. But a very good one, I assure you."

A look at Shady reveals:
Shady wears casual clothing: khakis and a t-shirt a quote from Minsc the Ranger printed on it in dark bold letters, "Butt kicking for goodness!" Although he might seem to be in high spirits, he seems worn out and in poor health. He is pale, and walks slowly with a slight limp. Shady has recently taken to wearing a dark hood that conceals most of his face whenever he is out in public. He looks silly wearing this hood with his cheerful t-shirt.

So, Argon asked, "What's with the goth hood, Shady? As the editor of the paper I'm always looking for good stories."

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "Nope. The story is just too long and I, uh... have a movie to see! No time to chat now."

Shady_Raccoony gruffs, "But nobody ever seemed to take much notice of it before."

Argon says, "Uh, you wearn't wearing it before. If I came in wearing a tutu, don't you think folks would notice?"

Shoe talked, "I wouldn't care."

Andrew said, "I would."

Shoe talked, "Are turning back into a raccoon?" Y

Argon says, "Oooo! That would be nice, Shady!"

Argon likes raccoons.

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "You'd think that, but I bet nobody would notice."

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "Come in wearing a tutu and see how many people comment on it."

Argon says,"I wouldn't wear one without expecting someone to notice. " "

Argon looks behind Shady looking for a ringed tail.

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "I am still human, I assure you."

Argon tosses a ball of shiny aluminum foil towards Shady.

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "I'm not trying to mask my features, I just think that goth and novelty t-shirts go well together."

Shady_Raccoony catches the aluminum foil.

Argon says, "Well, take off the hood then, Shady."

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "No."

Shoe talked, "He might be hiding."

Argon says, "He must be hiding something."

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "Well, yeah. It's a mask."

Argon says, "Ah, a raccoon mask?"

Shady_Raccoony gruffs, "No."

Argon says, "A burgler mask?"

Shady_Raccoony gruffed, "Er... what is there to burgle here in the rose garden? Yes, that's it! My face got badly hurt during my last adventure."

Argon keeps looking for evidence of a ringed tail.

Rown says, "So now your face looks like a raccoons?"

Aron says, "Well, he was a raccoon for years before he became human."

Shady_Raccoony gruffs, "Nope. I wasn't mutilated THAT badly. And I was a human for years before I became a raccoon."

So whether Shady Raccoony is reverting to raccoon form or not is still unknown.

This week, we sit down to have a chat with Vassily, local sloth.

Vassily has arrived.

Ba'ar smiles "Greetings Vassily and thanks for helping me to do this interview."

Vassily says, "Nice place. very rustic."

Ba'ar smiles "Thanks. I like it. It's cozy."

Vassily says, "No problem, always glad to be helpful."

Ba'ar nods "Okay let's start. Our readers know about you and some have even met you 'in the pelt' as it were. For one thing, how long have you been here in Spindizzy?"

Vassily says, "Well, I've only returned recently after a long abscence."

Ba'ar growls, "Where were you, may I ask?"

Vassily says, "I'm not really sure. I may have been floating unprotected in the vacuum of space, or possibly trapped somewhere."

Ba'ar growls, "Did you come from Toons Fur and Fluff, as many Spindizzyers did?"

Vassily says, "Yes I did, as well as Dreamtime for a short stay."

Ba'ar growls, "What brought you to Spindizzy?"

Vassily says, "Well, it seemed like a good place for heroing. What with the SED running wild."

Ba'ar growls, "Is that what your 'profession' here is (as it were)? Saving the SDers from the SED?"

Vassily says, "And vice versa, someone could put an eye out."

Ba'ar growls, "Do you have any special powers you use in your hero duties?"

Vassily says, "Well, I can create fresh fruit at will."

Ba'ar smiles "Sounds delicious...now then..What's a typical day like for you - or is there such a thing?"

Vassily says, "Well, my schedule has to stay a little fluid of course. Normally I try to keep abreast of evil plans that may be afoot. And of course, I have my inventions to attend to."

Ba'ar growls, "Inventions? What are you inventing (or is that a trade secret)?"

Vassily says, "Well, I mostly build steam powered things and some bespoke clockwork devices. Mostly with the aid of my assistant Nikolai and the multitude of lemurs."

Ba'ar growls, "What are these inventions for?"

Vassily says, "Well, some of them assist me in my struggle against evil and others are just whimsical expressions of my personality."

Vassily says, "Sometimes both."

Ba'ar nods "What do you like the most about Spindizzy?"

Vassily says, "Well, I really like the variety of beings here. There's almost always something happening."

Vassily says, "Plus the active evildoing community, which is a must for preventing evildoing."

Ba'ar nods "Sounds good. Now then. What is it about Spindizzy that you'd change if you could (other than, of course, the SED)?"

Vassily says, "Hmm."

Vassily says, "I suppose I'd like to see a resurgence of our toon heritage, but on the whole things are pretty good the way they are."

Ba'ar nods "Who do you admire the most? "

Vassily says, "I have a lot of admiration for Argon. He does a lot for the community. Of course I also admire Morticon for pretty much the same reason."

Ba'ar grins "Yes. Morticon DOES provide alot of comic relief doesn't he?"

Vassily says, "And Austin of course, but I haven't seen him since my return."

Vassily says, "Comedy is important. It's all in fun until someone loses an eye. And then we all get to play 'Find the eye.'"

Ba'ar nods

Ba'ar growls, "Do you have any plans for the future?"

Vassily says, "Well, I do need to construct some housing for the multitude of lemurs and renovate Interzone Plaza. Other than that I plan to maintain the balance between good and evil."

Vassily says, "And of course, I'd like to direct."

Ba'ar grins and can't resist. Striking a pose, he growls. "I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Demile."

Vassily says, "Didn't you used to be Gentle Ben?"

Ba'ar grins "That was one of my cousins."

Ba'ar growls, "What secret fact or desire about you would surprise our readers?"

Vassily says, "I'm really fond of metered verse. Especially Sestinas."

Ba'ar nods "In closing, do you have any words of wisdom for our readers?"

Vassily says, "I think I'll quote Popeye, the 7th Patriarch, "I Yam What I Yam.""

Vassily says, "Which is from the Spinach Sutra of course."

Vassily says, "It's been fun, has anyone ever interviewed you?"

Ba'ar growls, "No."

Vassily says, "Someone should."

Ba'ar growls, "that's a good idea. I think I'll have someone do that some time. Again, thanks for helping me out."

Vassily says, "No problem, as I said, always glad to help and to see my name in the paper."

Q: Why shouldn't you upset a rodent?
A: You don't want to feel his rat-th. A2: Or even ir-rat-tate him. A3: Because he'll cop a rattitude.

Q: What rodent builds dams out of wax, to gather ponds of nectar?
A: A bee-ver.

Q: What rodent stuffs its cheek pouches with luncheon meat?
A: A honey-baked-ham-ster.

Q: Who does a rodent's fur?
A: A styling mouse.

Q: What hopping rodent will usually flip you the bird as soon as look at you?
A: A Jerkbil.

Q: What kind of rodent is both male and female?
A: A hemratphrodite.

Q: What kind of rodent fills in tunnels under your lawn?
A: A comepher.

Q: What kind of rodent speaks to God a lot?
A: A prayery dog.

Q: What animal is really popular with the NIMH fanboys, until they realize it's just a bird?
A: A titmouse.

Q: Why should you do nice things for rodents?
A: They'll show their g-rat-itude.

Q: What is the best way to feed a rodent?
A: Put se healsy food in its mouse.

Q: What kind of rodent has specialized hair to defend it from great falls?
A: A parachutepine.

Q: What kinds of rodents make for good sitcoms?
A: A divorced guinea pig and a divorced guinea obsessive-compulsive neat freak.

Q: What kind of rodent has a very soft, spiral shell?
A: A conchilla.

Q: Why did the rat burlesque dancer get a lot of whooping and cheering from the audience?
A: She took off her boa.

Q: What kind of rodent can drive off a bull elephant?
A: A musthrat.

Q: Why was the daddy 13-lined ground squirrel so proud?
A: His son was a chipmunk off the old block.

Q: What kind of rodent is really easy?
A: A whorey marmot.

Q: What kind of rodent is really good on toast?
A: A hoary marmelade.

Q: Why did the tree rodent believe everything Michael Moore says?
A: She was a red squirrel.

Q: What kind of rodent do you need to make burgers?
A: A ground squirrel.

Q: What's the least original rodent?
A: A copybara.

Q: What's a field mouse's favorite Decathalon event?
A: The vole pault.

Q: Where do rodents stay in college?
A: In a raternity.

Q: What do rodents eat while in college?
A: Ramen gnawdles.

Q: How are classes organized in rodent colleges?
A: On the hamester system.

Q: Who leads the rodent army?
A: A Fieldmouseshall.

Q: How do you prep a mouse for dental work?
A: Give her a shot of gnawvacaine.

Q: Who brings rodents their Xmas pestilence?
A: Hanta Claus.

Q: Why did the rodent get spanked?
A: He was being gnawty.

Back issues from a year and more ago. Remember when...?

• One Year Ago / HURL in the Rose Garden
• Three Years Ago / Austin Dern's Secret Mission Revealed!

@Action News, SpinDizzy's weekly paper, apparently has a fairly healthy circulation, so we figured we'd show just how healthy it is.

Each week, as long as there's room. I'll show the 'hit graph' for the @Action News website.

Just as a note, this makes a full year @Action News has been showing our circulation numbers. Yay!

Welcome to the latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba'ar (That's me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.

Dear Bearing Up:
What's so scary about 'The Brothers Grimm'? My mom read these stories to me when I was a cub.
- I. Robot

Dear I. Robot:
The grimmest thing about The Grimm Brothers stories is that parents these days are too wimpy to allow their children to experience the fairy tales.

Dear Bearing Up:
Why did they stop making M and M's and replace them with W and W's?
- Sean Smarter

Dear Sean Smarter:
To confuse blondes like you.

Bear Bearing Up:
I love Mexican food, but it gives me hearts burn. I took some Rolaids but that didn't help. What should I do?
- Argon

Dear Argon:
Season your food with powdered Tums before you eat and you won't get heartburn.

Dear Bearing Up:
As a bear, what would you do if a activist like Timothy Treadwell (The subject of the movie The Grizzly Man) came to your door?
- S. Ierra Club

Dear S. Ierra Club:
I'd shut the door. We bears are fine left alone and don't need any of their help.

Dear Bearing Up:
Why do they call it 'Labor Day' when no one works?
- J. Hoffa

Dear J. Hoff
A:
It's a conspiracy by the labor unions to confuse us.

Remember possums (to steal a term from Dame Edna ;-D), if you have any questions,please page mail me (Ba'ar) online or send mail to big_bear@operamail.com. Thanks.

When confronted about this, he said. "My favorite puppet happens to be Jeff Dunham's puppet Peanut but Vixie's offer of honey was too tempting. That's the LAST time I let my tummy do the deciding for me."

Vixie, local vixen, could not be reached for comment on this.

This week, Argon is asking, "I'm doing a survey for @Action News. The question this week, suggested by Mavra is, "Robots are made to perform dangerous or boring tasks. What would you have your robot do?"

• Randy_panda - None...Ninjas aren't afraid of the dark.
• Andrew says, "None, if they screwed in the bulb, they'd be seen."
• Tuttamek [OOC] Ah, but what if it was a burnt out bulb?
• Mouser hisses, "I'd tell you, Argon, but Mort'd make me kill you afterwards."
• Gilead chirps, "Two. But they have to be really tiny ninjas to fit in the bulb."
• Shoe talkss, "1-3?"
• Rown Hmmms. I'd say that if they're Morti's ninjas they'd need a battalion of them for one bulb. I figure by the time they all screw up one of them will accidently screw it in right.
• Leowulf says, "OK, fine, my answer then - 6, one to hold the light bulb, and 5 to turn the ladder."
• Ba'ar whispers, "My answer to the survey is....5...3 to do the actual deed and 2 to report back to Morticon and steal the credit.
• Austin - Oh, yes, for the survey: 'How large is the light bulb?'
• Portia - The answer cannot be computed since you never see them.
• Tuttamek says, "10?"
• Georgia speaks softly, "Considering the known incompetence of the SED.... ALL of them. Plus professional help.
• Crystal thinks zero, as they probably aren't smart enough to know what a light bulb is.
• Morticon - Two, I should know, having my own ninja army and all. One to do the job, the other to shut the other lights off so it's done in darkness, as ninjas only work at night. And they fight and stuff."
• Pa'hti - Prolly pi.
• Tanuki pages, "I thought their job was to put the light bulb out?

So this is what those raccoons in last week's cartoon were doing...

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org or qmail or page Argon, Carl or SDN about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Sunday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News