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The local snake and fox communities were shocked last Sunday, when it was publicly revealed that local red fox Effsey is, in fact, local garter snake BarterGarter’s son.

@Action News interviewed BarterGarter in hopes of finding some answers to your burning questions.

@AN: “Um.... so you’re a snake?”

BG: “Certainly, esteemed customer. “

@AN: “And you son’s a fox?”

BG: “Yes.”

@AN: “That’s weird!”

BG: “Hey!”

@AN: “So who’s Effsey’s dad?”

BG: “I never could tell Effsey the truth. He was a used car salesman. I didn’t want him to be traumatized by his sleazy evil antecessors, so I just told him he was a Disney lawyer and mountain gorilla hunter.”

@AN: “Well, if he was so bad, why did you, um... you know?”

BG: “I was young! And he was such a slimy, slithering, cold hearted creature... That plaited cheap polyester green jacket, shimmering like so many scales. The toupee, hiding what was surely perfectly fur-free scalp. The little fuzzball was practically a snake himself!”

@AN: “Uh huh. So what happened to him?”

BG: “He sold me my cart at half of its real value, and ran off!”

@AN: “Bummer!”

BG: “Heh heh! But I got my revenge. I paid him with a crate of Howard the Duck tapes. On Beta.”

@AN: “Wow. So how much are the PatchO’Black plushes?”

BG: “six pool balls, and a carton of cassowary eggs.”

Representatives of the local snake and fox communities were unavailable for comment.

After receiving a number of e-mails with unusual subject lines, I, Rebecca Pattison, Private Eye decided that a mystery was afoot. In fact the first clue was a message that allowed the size of objects to gain "Three to Four Inches!" Further reading revealed that it was male Chickens whose size was being augmented.

Large Chickens would be very popular, so why was their existence only being divulged through e-mail? Could this be a scam?

Another message informed that pictures of celebrities, including Britney Spears "Doing Things You'll Like!" indicated that the scam had spread to Hollywood. But why did they want to let Rebecca Pattison, private eye, in on the secret? Another email, indicating that 'Hot Women' wanted her to plunge deep into a very warm, moist area, seemed an invitation to investigate.

The next message had a clue, "Cum." If only I had paid more attention to my Latin teacher instead of hitting Greg Daniels up for the time every five minutes. If only I had taken one less shot of bourbon and put one more shot into that rat with the knife. Life is full of "ifs".

The messages claim that those involved with the scam are hot, but all of my leads turn up cold. Could this be a numbers racket? Then it hit me, one of their messages said that Janet made use of 12 of the giant male roosters all at once! They say I can find her at a special website. She must be somebody I know, otherwise they wouldn't be asking for my help in finding her. And I can bet counterfeit dollars to stale donuts that there's nothing in this for me except for a trip to the pier wearing gravity enhancers.

It was some ignorant Yahoo! that tipped me off. The girl of my dreams is only a click away! If I joined their club, I could see more. I pulled my .44 and the stool pigeon at JupiterClubCasino.com sang all about my Janet. But to him she was Amber, a willing young secretary, or maybe a lonely housewife, and then he got to my favorite verse. She has a video, the one I supposedly said I was looking for.

Suddenly their messages became more urgent, their offers more lucrative, their threats (should I break the chain) more bone chillingly insane. But I had what I needed. The tape was only a password away. Soon I'd know the secret to having larger drumsticks, and access to many women who would eat chicken any time or place I desired. Many who had apparently used the augmentation process on their own poultry to increase the size of their breasts.

Obscene red stars were everywhere, hiding that which I sought. I was at the right place, its a shame my wallet wasn't. I needed Benjamin Franklin's commitment to see Janet but he wasn't at home.

Then I began to wonder if the roosters were a bunch of cock and bull. I followed the right hunch. They were all there crowing loudly about their size, along with with some young stud. It all centered around one place. A farm as unassuming as any other. But even the animals here had dirty secrets. The horses possessed the largest chickens of them all.

And when the trail leads to horses I always wind up at the track. Just as I expected they were earning 12% interest but mine had gone up to 100%.

At this point I began understanding more Italian than I picked up in all my years chasing dames in Ferraris. It was the furry mafia pulling all the strings. All it took was a couple suggestions to the media and the organization scattered, its corrupt power corrupted. I booked a cheap fare to a little island somewhere warm, pocketed the spoils of victory that the black-and-white overlooked and decided to spend the rest of my days chasing gals who liked their drumsticks regular sized, and where there was less room to run.

This is an edited version of Furi's story. For a copy of the original, contact Furi on SpinDizzy. Ed.

Every other week, I will be calling attention to the new members of our community. (Editor's Note; ...with the permission of each of the new folks featured, of course. Folks who don't want to be featured in this series, will of course, have that wish fufilled.) This is not to embarrass them, but rather I do it in the hopes that it will encourage everyone to give them a special welcome and friendship.

The following members are new to our community as of a week or two ago at most. Please give them a warm welcome and offer assistance if needed. Who knows, you might even make a new friend or two!

• Cianna - female Anthro Kittay
• Mephox - Female Kitsune
• Daylin - helpful literate photographic artistic cuddly empathetic lonely snuggly curious magical youthful cute innocent musical shy winged Female Spotted Skunk
• Tredanse - Male Glutton-dragon
• Psaakyrn - Male Anthro Dragon - "Well, I'm just an unstable anthromorphic dragonic shapeshifter. (which means I might not be a dragon most of the time.)"
• Slynndra - female vixen - "Hello, I can't wait to meet as many furries as I can and make lots of New friends."
• Apollo_White - male Siberian Husky.
• Kelly - female cow mixbreed - "Howdy. I'm a cow."
• Stormy - cute disorganized empathetic flying musical lonely literate nocturnal pedantic winged youthful Male Dragon

This week, KevMan did the survey, he asked, "What kind of snack would you like to see in the Ancient Oak?"

• Pandamonia says, "A good German Pilsner. And if there are no good German Pilsners for the Anciet Oak, possibly Guiness. Stout not Draught."
• Argon says, "Cans of Pringles."
• Mouser hisses, "More eggs."
• Arcturax says "Mangos!"
• Ba'ar growls, "I'd like the oak to have mini honeypots as a snack."
• Rown says, "I said, A wallaby shaped voodoo candy. Every time someone takes a bite out of it Morti will feel it. He'll never say "bite me!" again."
• Gilead wants eels!
• Kinsor skriters, "Brata's Lemonade, of course. :}"
• Rhea mms. Unagi.
• BarterGarter hisses, "Oh, and I guess I would like to see coupons for BarterGarter's Cart come out of the tree. I could use the publicity."
• Brenda giggles "my answer would probably be "venison! Or even a great, juicy Porterhouse Steak!" =^.^=
• Alderem says, "Smores. I don't think I've seen any smores. And that's a crime."
• Butterfluff says, "Ice cream sandwiches, supernachos, and fried clams strips."
• Airborn says, "Well I'd prefer stinky old socks"
• Cye hmms.. "pocky! n.n"
• Kelly moos, "How about fried cauliflower. It's DELICIOUS."
• Cubbi says, "Does it have gummi worms?"
• Rosey_Raccoon says, "Karamel Sutra."
• Vixie wants fox treats.
• Adara purrs, "I'd like to see...ice cream."
• KevMan says "Chinese food."
• Felina speaker speaks, "Tuna."
• Gina_Doberman says, "Alpo Burgers!"
• Tasha says, "Popcorn."
• Penance purrs, "Various character-shaped fruit gummies."
• Butterfluff says, "The tree needs rabbit raisins."
• Slug clicks, "Anything, as long as it doesn't try to eat me first."
• PatchO'Black mews, "Oh! I would like to have the tree give out Snowballs."
• Friskyfox yips, "Wood chips!"
• Mephox giggles, "Apple Brandy!"
• Terry puffs "A bite-sized black hole."
• Macoon says, "Hi-Chew Strawberry Chews. I'm no freak for Japanese foods, but these are the best candy ever. Ever."
• Kreg rumbles, "Live chickens. Or tourists. Or 'morphic chicken tourists."
• Furi says, "Beez."
• Terra myrrs, "Gummy Minkies!"
• Sunni says, "gummi berries :)"
• Fenris growls, "Honestly? Hmmm, hausenfeffer, most definitely."
• Carlos says, "Fig soda."
• Leslie pips, "I guess carrots, but I like brussels sprouts too and that's good bunny food."
• Daylin thinks for a moment..."Peaches.."
• Rose says, "Nacho cheese Doritos."
• Snowdrift says, "I like fruit, so maybe peaches?"
• Maxskunk wants chocolate covered cockroaches for the ancient oak.
• Stormy mumbles, "Pizza is always good. And spring rolls... mmm..."

FOR SALE!!!!!!

Various sceintific equpment, all in good nick. One previous owner. No blood stains.
Quick Sale needed due to Office Relocation and Buisness Restructuring. Apply to Mouser or Lamar. Good Offers Accepted. No Time Wasters.

Wanted

New offices. Must suit small enterprise business. Sound proof walls a bonus. No requirement for immediate use, as staff on extended leave. Contact SED-CO

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org or qmail or page Argon about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Monday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News