@Action News, July 23,2K

PatchOBlack Announces Bumper Marshmellow Crop

PatchO'Black gave an group of folks a tour the area where marshmellows come from. Grown in magical mellow marshes, the plants resemble reeds or pussy willows with the mellow on top. Taught by a master Jellicle at a young age, and planted with great care, PatchO'Black says that marshmellows must be handled with great care as they are planted and grown. Patchy grows both regular and miniature marshmellows. When asked the difference between care of and determination of what plants grow, Patch replied that , you just have to know how to grow them.

Patchy's claims his marshmellows are better than the kind that come from a candy factory because they don't give you cavities, and they taste better being freshly grown. A group of folks, being invited to the mellow marsh, stuffed themselves on marshmellows which were fresh off the plant. And tasted better than any you will find in the store. If you see PatchOBlack, ask him for a few, you won't regret it.

Mouser Revealed

Contributed To @Action News by Mouser

Ten Things About Mouser You Were Afraid To Ask:

10. Hey, you can't eat that--it's too big for you to swallow!

Unlike reptile snakes, fursnakes don't swallow their food hole. Mammalian jaw structure, you see--fursnakes can't unhinge their mandibles to expand their mouths, the way reptile snakes do. Instead, we chew our food. It's a bit messy, but just as effective. And it allows for a greater range of prey, too.

9. And why ARE you always trying to eat everything in sight?

Metabolism, I'm afraid. A mammal burns calories a lot faster than a reptile, and lets face it, it takes a lot of work for a serpent to hunt down a meal rather than just waiting for one to blunder along. I'm living on the edge of starvation every day, so bear with me, eh?

8. Snakes have scales to move around on. How do you manage it?

Same way, actually. My underside is bald, and the skin is toughened like the toe-pads of a legged mammal. It's also corrugated, with slightly overlapping folds. With the right sort of wriggling motion, I can propel myself forward just like a snake does on its belly-scales.

7. Can I have your skin after you shed it? I could use a nice sleeping bag.

Sorry, fursnakes don't shed their skins whole. We shed one hair at a time, just like other mammals.

6. Were you hatched from an egg or or did your momma bear you live?

Live birth, natch. Like other mammals, little fursnakes are born alive and wriggling, and their mothers nurse them. A word of advice for would-be fursnake hunters--never, ever approach a nursing female fursnake. You probably won't live to regret it.

5. Speaking of females...are you REALLY a male?

Yes, take my word for it. I suppose the confusion is understandable, since to non-fursnakes male and female ones look basically the same. Actually, if you had a decent nose like any proper fursnake, you could tell immediately--we have different scents. There IS a simple way to tell male and female fursnakes apart other than by smell; however, I'm not going to tell you what it is. :P

4. Aw, come on...why not?

Well...if you simply HAVE to ask...it involves how our, er, "sensitive parts" are protected. (it involves pouches, if you're THAT curious.) Suffice it to say that if you know what to look for, a quick examination of a fursnake's underside will tell you if they're male or female.

3. How did you dig all of those tunnels I see you popping out of?

Although fursnakes (mostly) live in tunnels, we don't create them like earthworms. Instead, we, ahem, "borrow" them from various burrowing critters, most of whom usually have no need for them anymore.

2. Didn't I see you on an episode of L.A. Law?

Fursnakes are NOT descended from lawyers. :P We have a far more honorable lineage, being the surviving members of the Mustelidae, or weasel clan.

1. You don't look like any weasel I've ever seen. What happened?

I have no idea. There aren't any scientists that I know of in my time, so there's no one to investigate. From what I've been able to piece together here, about 50 million years before I was born (ie, sometime around the present here), something happened to Earth. I don't know what, but the end result was that within a span of less than 10,000 years, almost 75% of all animal species on the planet died out, including nearly every animal larger than a kilogram. Luckily, there were plenty of surviving creatures to fill in the missing niches. Evolution being what it is, they spread and altered to a wide assortment of forms. For example, nearly all of the reptile snake species were wiped out, leaving the niche wide open for a long, slender animal to evolve into a legless predator.

Anniversary Of First Raccoon On Moon

Thursday was the anniversary of Neil Armcoon's first steps on the Moon. In honor of this great event and other historical breakthroughs in the Raccoon space program, the Park Of The Day was the Taurus Littrow Valley, on the surface of the Moon, and the money was Liberty Bell Sevens. Although some confused this date with that of Human, Neil Armstrong's landing, which many still wrongly believe was the first landing of any creature on the Moon, the day was met with a nod to its significance, and fleeting discussions of the effort and money spent by American Raccoons to beat the 'Reds' there, thus winning the space race, and proving Democracy was more powerful than Coonunism.

Much Ado About Nothing

Entering 'find' the other day revealed that a large number of folks had gathered in this one place. Going there, it was discovered that it was just a place and the folks were just there. There was discussion concerning why folks came to that particular place, and the most common answer was 'Because everyone else is here'. Although it was impossible to determine who was in this place first, to attract everyone else, others stated that they thought '..since others were here, I figured something was going on.' Once there, they found nothing going on, but rather than idling in their usual places, they all enjoyed staying put and giving others the impression something new and exciting was happening in a new, rarely visited area.

Just like someone standing on a corner looking up into the sky at nothing, who attracts a crowd of people who stand there trying to see what it is he is looking at, the crowd grew and grew, yet remained strangely inactive. Finally, as dawn broke, the crowd faded off to their respective resting places, to nurture fond memories of what ever it was they thought was going on.

Yiffy Tech Support Well Received

A large Internet Service Provider, offering On Line Tech Support through a Java Chat format, has found success offering 'Yiffy Tech Support'. The tech support chat format, found to be similar to that of Mucks, and used by mostly twinks to ask such questions as, 'Where's the any key?' and 'Do I need to be on line to send email to love@aol?' was soon found by the ISP to be more popular to these users if made more 'yiffy'.

A few adjustments to the chat were made to made these users more comfortable, including adding the suffix 'Fox' to the names of the support techs (TsJohnFox or TsSallyFox ect. the Ts standing for Tech support, but seen as TS by users, and added if unforeseen addition to the yiffy ambiance of the service.) Those waiting for tech support were sent to a XXX Truth or Dare hot tub room, where interaction with other's who enjoyed the yiffy format could spend their time waiting in pursuit of more involved interaction with others seeking tech advice.

Generally, time spent by Support Techs in solving user's problems was short, once they were told what the 'any' key was (Just hit enter) and that they didn't assist AOL customers.

Ah Yes, Something New Has Been Added

The feeling many had that they were being watchedfor, has been replaced by a certainty that something new has been added. Opinions vary on exactly what that might be. Theories range from just a new message being added to a monthly charge to use the muck. Although charging to use the muck has been directly denied by a spokesperson of management staff, no other hints were made known. As of press time, no undeniable evidence of what the feeling of something new actually relates to has been found.

TimesHeart Tiger Shares His Origins

Contributed to @Action News By TimesHeart Tiger

No, I am not a CareBear Critter, but similar in abilities and powers. I'm about 6'4" tall, and weigh in at about 270 pounds of sinewy muscle and fur. I have hazel eyes. It's kinda funny what can happen when you least expect it, yet there I was about to encounter something that would change my life forever...

You see, a friend of mine who is in the Peace Corp, acquired a scrap of tiger's pelt, and shipped it back to the states to me as a souvenir. When this item arrived, I, who was working part-time at a newly-built research facility as an assistant, was showing the scrap to several of my newly acquired co-workers. I work nights at this place, and after receiving this scrap of tiger's pelt, had sewn it unto my work gloves, so that I could pretend I was the tiger while doing my job. Late one night, the liquid in tube-canister #8 reached a dangerous (and very critical) level, and the glass tube shattered in a ringing explosion. Well, besides myself, only 2 others were at the lab that night, and we all rushed into the work area when we heard the exploding sound. We hurriedly shutdown the alarms and other canister controls, and began cleaning up the smelly and sticky mess.

Although we tried being careful, as you might imagine, there was just too much of the glowing green ooze there to avoid getting any on you, and during clean-up, I must have gotten some on my tiger's pelt/work gloves when I was emptying the pail. One of the others had called in the supervisors about the accident, and as they were arriving, that's when the 'mutagen-mixture' activated, and I transmogrified into the humanoid-tiger creature known as TimesHeart.

I was placed within a high security confinement hospital, owned by the labs, and was given several tests to see if I had been harmed mentally by the transmogrification. I passed their tests, and also demonstrated several new powers. These powers seem to include, but are not limited to, Time Alteration (able to slow down, speed up, or even, stop time, at will), the Aura of Heart (able to heal by touch or by shooting a ray out from my chest), and all of the reflexes and
senses of an Indian Tiger. I was given high security code status within their organization, though I felt that such powers were better used to help others, rather than being abused by a privately-owned research foundation. So, I secretly use my powers to help others whenever I can, although, I am still watched by my sponsors

Wizzard Gets BotSpot

This week one of our Wizstaff got and retained the botspot for several days in a row. When asked if he maintained the spot more easily because he never timed out on being idle, the Wiz said, "Nope. I've been sitting in front of this machine for three days, fourteen hours and...three minutes. Really." It was noted that the Wiz got the botspot not by waiting for others to go to sleep, but by sneaking up on those connected longer and simply @toading them. It was thought that the @toading of Findra, Server Wiz might have had serious repercussions, but it was found that she had simply remained connected with her 'ping' on and hadn't noticed before the error was rectified.

Raccoons and Shinies

Raccoons and Shinies A report released by CoonCo Research

Contributed to @Action News By Royce

Years of extensive research has inferred that Raccoon's attractions to shiny objects is based upon early food gathering techniques and processes used by Raccoons before they became civilized. A study by Alum and Foil (1976) indicate that prehistoric Raccoons made fish a major part of their diets, thus making an appreciation and sensitivity for shiny objects a survival trait. Other studies have indicated that Raccoons' generally good hygenic habits have lent to this appreciation for shiny objects, as an object that was shiny was considered clean, and thus ready for consumption.

But what explains the attraction non-food objects have on modern Raccoons? A study by Farr and Ouht (1993) indicated that a chromosome largely unknown in other mammals may be what causes the Raccoons' love of bright shiny things. Even though an attraction to shiny objects is no longer needed for survival, these inborn traits developed by the early raccoons still remain strong to this day. Many Raccoons collect such objects, and typically the quantity of shinies one posseses is considered an indication of how Raccoony one is.

A big, wide, high, bright pile of glittery shiny glowing things is heaven for a Raccoon. No Raccoon in his right mind would pass up a chance to add another wonderful pretty shiny thing to his pile of hte most wonderful of all objects in the world, his own pile of shinies. In fact, the only thing better than the pile of shinies an a Racoon's home, besides a free all-you-can-eat buffet, is all the other shinies waiting to be added to that pile which are outside waiting to be discovered and added to the pile. So, to conclude, Raccoons collect shiny things because collecting shiny objects is what Raccoons do. Having and loving shinies is Raccoony and being Raccoony is having lots and lots of shinies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sort my shinies.

Contributing To @Action News

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