Maxl, local badger, has finally admitted his necrophilia and love for Eris, local ghost bat girl.  Maxl and Eris have been known for their love/hate relationship since it has been played out in the Rose Garden many times.  When questioned about his necrophilia, Maxl said, "Yes, I am a raging necrophile.  Of course I love the dead girls."  Eris was happy upon hearing this, stating, "I've been after him for a long time to just go ahead and *admit* the necrophilia."  In order to learn more about their relationship, I decided to dig deeper into the past and pick out significant events in their lives (or deaths).

One of the first significant events (for this article anyway) concerns Eris and Morticon.  About a half a year ago Morticon, local evil wallaby, turned Eris into a physical bat girl again and she was able to walk among the living.  Not long after this resurrection, a mistake was discovered in Morticon's process and Eris deteriorated over the span of a couple weeks to a ghost again.  Her love life with Maxl got better when she was physical, but things started to fall apart just as she did physically, Eris claimed.  Maxl doesn't believe a word of that and replied, "Well now, that's just ridiculous.  I've always liked Eris."

Not too long after Eris resumed being a ghost, Maxl died and became a ghost himself for a while after his original body was killed during an auction gone horribly wrong (Hint:  It involved Terry.  Enough said), putting him on the same plane as Eris.  Eris said that Maxl wasn't dead long enough to really understand what being dead was all about and that he constantly complained.  Maxl disagreed slightly, claiming that "I was dead for two whole months!  That's plenty long.  And as resident local annoyance, I have the right to complain about everything."  One would think this would cause their love to blossom, being in the same dimensional plane at last, but Eris said, "Ironically, it [our relationship] seemed to die as well."  Eris said she'd like to try and pursue the relationship but that things such as this cannot be forced.  Maxl sounded surprised when he heard this and said,  "We had a relationship?  If we did, I guess it'd be worth trying again.  I'm pretty sure that one of the reasons I stopped being dead is because it wasn't nearly as fun punching her as I thought it would be."

Maxl's spirit-form was short-lived, however.  Maxl stopped being dead when Vassily, local sloth hero, resurrected him using Max's blood since he was the only badger-like creature around at the time.  Maxl says he plans to stay in his current wolverine body "until something goes horribly wrong, like, for example, me spontaneously combusting or just rotting away for no apparent reason.  Not that either of those are going to happen."  Maxl likes his form because "I'm tangential again, and people consistently confuse me for Max, making for great fun."

As you can see, Maxl and Eris have had a turbulent past together.  Even with all the death and resurrections that have occurred, their love has remained just as strong and consistent as their hate and disagreements.  I'm sure we'll see these two lovebirds continue to display their affection for one another in the park for quite some time.

Since I've arrived to the Spindizzy over a year ago, I've conducted numerous experiments and research progress into the flora and fauna of the Spindizzy. During the conclusion to one of my experiments, I discovered something very important about the life on this strange planet. Everyone here is rather friendly and outgoing, and even affectionate at different times. Unlike the species of many other worlds, the inhabitants of the Spindizzy co-exist very well together. Predator sides amongst prey, seasons seem to come and go without the normal hubub of mating and rut.

 

There are numerous species of animals living on the Spindizzy, the largest grouping of which the omnivore. Varying in size and shape, this grouping by far dominates the Spindizzy. Ranging from small creatures such as mustelids to as large as centaurs, it's a wonder there is enough food to feed them in as little space as the Spindizzy seems to inhabit.

 

The technology of this world is fairly primitive, just enough to keep the inhabitants comfortable and happy. There is evident of alien artifacts throughout the Spindizzy, presumably maintaining the atmosphere and level of gravity. According to many studies I have made, there are even underground settlements here and there which

suggest the Spindizzy is far older than it appears. At this time I am unable to determine if the Spindizzy has always been its own world, or if it was part of a larger

world that once existed. Geological studies have begun and my results will appear when they are complete.

 

I recommend at least one visit to the Spindizzy by various species of the federation, though I do not recommend visits by the Klackians. Due to the large number of insect-eating inhabitants, their life spans may become rather short.

I need members for a dangerous mission that will result in fame, glory, and a bit of fun.  Come along and see the universe as you have never seen it before: travel through time! 

 

Recently, my memory had started to get out of order.  I thought I was fine, but then I started to forget to feed my self.  This is dangerous, and not eating could result in me feeling ill.  To solve this problem, I need to build a time machine to travel back in time and feed myself.  We have little time before I lose my mind again and get sick!

 

I have done extensive research watching cartoons and playing Chrono Trigger.  From this research I learned that this is how I must set up our crew.  We need…

 

A Brainiac:  Preferably female for plot reasons, but we are an equal opportunity employer.  The Brainiac’s job is to wear glasses and do all the work while everybody else gets all the glory.  The Brainiac needs to figure out how to build the time machine.  For a weapon, the Brainiac is only allowed to carry a small ray gun, which s/he must build his/herself.  As an additional note, the Brainiac should use big words that nobody else understands.  When in doubt, s/he may make up words that sound intelligent.  Nobody will notice the difference.

 

A lemur to get in the Brainiac’s way and mess with all the scientific gear:  Suri is currently filling this role, but feel free to apply as an alternate just in case Suri does not make it after all.

 

A klutz, for comic relief:  I know how much everybody loves Jar Jar Binks, but I was unable to reach him.  Something about sleeping with a comic book store owner in Springfield.  For now, wemblyfox has the klutz position.

 

A Tough Guy:  I really am sorry, but the tough guy must be male.  We might accept a female warrior to come along too, but she is not allowed to fall in love with the Tough Guy (no big loss there).  The Tough Guy’s job is to act bossy and mean and try to lead everybody without actually using any leadership skills.  The Tough Guy must fall in love with the Pretty Female and also must have excellent combat ability.  The Tough Guy is not allowed to use ranged weapons, but he may use claws, teeth, broad swords, daggers, or katanas.  As an additional note, the Tough Guy must rescue the Pretty Female from danger every once in awhile.

 

Pretty Female:  Her main job is to fall in love with the Tough Guy for no apparent reason.  For plot reasons, she also must accidentally be left behind for some reason while we are traveling in time, so that the Tough Guy can go rescue her all by himself.  Naturally, she must be able to survive alone for an indefinite period of time.  Magic ability is recommended; technological ability is not allowed.  Combat ability is permissible, but generally frowned upon.  When in doubt, apply and let Arkitah sort it out!

 

Somebody to pose a reason for doing all of this: Arkitah, of course!

 

To apply, page or mail your résumés to Arkitah.  State what role you wish to fill (even if you have your own ideas that I did not list in this advertisement) what skills you have, and why you want to come along (optional). 

 

Brief Physics Note:  Time machines have a tendency not to work in Spin Dizzy, I hear.  This is okay, since I am a magical dimensional traveler.  We will simply move the time machine into another dimension!  Much safer this way; there are less paradoxes to worry about.