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A notice from Portia Lee, Deputy Mayor of SpinDizzy in concert with Mayor Beltrami was posted on the bulletin board this week. It read as follows:

In the interest of improving community unity and communication, we are proposing the creation and implementation of Spindizzian Holidays and holiday activities that are separate from already established Earth Holidays.

We would like to encourage the citizens of Spindizzy to suggest possible holiday names, dates for the holidays, and what the holiday represents or means. Please pmail Portia or send email to lizabethess at gmail dot com (Note, written out to avoid spam.) with your suggestions.

Serving Faithfully,
Portia Lee

SpinDizzy has been abuzz with ideas and suggestions for such holidays. Teddy Bear Day, Ringtails Day, Founders Day, even Centaur Day was mentioned. Of course, tops on most lists was a Raccoon Day. Although everyone knows that everyday is Raccoon Day, the idea of one day actually being it seems very popular.

It is hoped citizens will contact Portia with their ideas so we can get even more days off of work!

The Society of Evil Doers, or SED seems to be in need of a medical practitioner to work with its team. This need was made public by the following notice posted on the bulletin board.

SED OPEN REQUISITION #73

Position: Medic
Availability: Immediately

Description: The SED seeks a medic to add to its dynamic team. Must be able to think fast, be willing to travel, and have solid medical skills, especially as a para-medic. Experience as a surgeon is desired, but not required. Combat zone experience a plus.

Hours: This is a full time position. Overtime may be required. Being on-call is required.

Benefits/Pay: Room and board provided free of charge, if needed. Equipment is provided, as are certain items for off duty use. Pay is negotiable.

Hiring Manager/Contact: Morticon Wallaby

It is unknown if the SED is preparing for actions that may result in injuries to its members, if there is already a need for medical attention, or if the medical attention is to be directed towards victims of the SED.

The Spindizzy community enjoyed a new moment of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Tuesday evening as nearly a dozen regulars came together to watch a short ``movie'' and comment upon the goings on. Featured on this evening's bill was the James S Harris posting from the Usenet newsgroup sci.math, "Notifications Continuing", with a second feature from the same author and newsgroup, "So They Lied".

James S Harris is, according to James S Harris, one of the phenomenally rare genuine mathematicians of the sort, like Karl Gauss, who can see through the lies and cover-ups of the rest of the mathematical community. In the past twelve years he reports the discovery of an elementary proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- as well as the complete debunking of the Andrew Wiles/Richard Taylor proof -- and has since gone on to incredible breakthroughs in the counting of prime numbers less than a given number, into the Riemann Conjecture, into the factoring of large numbers, into new frontiers of cryptography, and the development of new methods of digital media access control. According to the other participants on sci.math, James S Harris is a higher-order crank with poor reasoning skills who every few months decides everything he did before is utter rubbish, then writes down a few reasonable-sounding equations, shuffles them around with the regular addition of new terms until what is left is gibberish, and then proclaims that he's proven something. This is followed by months of the group participants pointing out logical failures, and Harris revealing them all to be in a conspiracy against him, and it is these stages which produced the texts read this evening.

Some sample comments:
> They've directly robbed the world of billions of dollars U.S. And
Patashu clanks, "Lieing about mathematics makes you filthy rich, kids!"
PatchO'Black chirps, "They hid it in their pockets as they walked out!"
B.J. says, "...Wait. Wait wait wait. He's accusing mathematicians of being bank robbers?"
Patashu clanks, "See if you can sneak in division by zero somewhere. You'll make millions!"
Austin says, "Or in the new exchange rate, hundreds of dollars Canadian."

> The factoring congruences are easier mathematics than is used to
WhyteShadow says, "Anyone who knows their way around a pi like that is okay with me..."
Gilead chirps, "Eating everything you want is also an easier diet than one that works."
Patashu clanks, "Okay, what the heck is 'factoring congruences'?"
Patashu clanks, "Making up words doesn't make you sound smarter, you know."

> The point now is that I'm dealing with people who are, unfortunately,
Patashu clanks, "I should bust out the crackpot index for this guy."
PatchO'Black mews, "'Having to read this...."
Patashu clanks, "Has he named any theorems after himself? That's +20 crank points."
Austin says, "Actually, being isn't the most unfortunate thing about them."
B.J. says, "...evil reptilian kitten-eaters from another planet. C'mon, you know you want to say it."

> Now I have found a new factoring method.
Kinsor skriters, "It was under my steak at dinner."
Patashu clanks, "One factoring method to rule them all."
Argon says, "Bake at 350 for 30 minutes."

> But mathematics is more than just a word.
Kinsor skriters, "Its a big word."
Austin says, "It's a terrific flavor sensation!"
WhyteShadow says, "Mathematics: taste the rainbow."
Kinsor skriters, "If you act now it comes with a terrific knife sharpener!"

For those who read last week's article, I thank you.

Now for the meat of the story. At the end of my "article" last week, I mentioned that the next article would note a very famous code. For those in the "know", it would be the most famous one of them all, "The Konami Code". That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am about to do the game that made that code famous. To all those "Fan Boys" that are screaming,"She's gonna do Contra!!!!", I have to burst your bubble. I shall indeed to a game featuring that code, in fact, the first game, Gradius!

I have always been a fan of the side-shooter space ship games like R-Type, Darius Twin and so forth. However, the game that introduced me to it was "Gradius".

This game popularized two things:

1. The "Shoot to the Core" - This is in fact a royal pain in the butt! The bosses are designed that you HAVE to shoot into a very small area to strike its fatal point. This in fact was a great challenge to many as they try to evade the attack patterns of the enemy bosses. Gradius in fact multiplied this danger by adding various elements with barriers so you can not strike it so quickly. There was also a small "cheat" that if you could kill the bosses in less than 5 seconds of the core going "active", you would be able to skip a level. Upon hearing this, Misha, my two brothers and I tried our butts of to do this trick. This lead to "many" unnecessary deaths until we mastered the controls.

2. The "purchase item/power meter" - This was in fact pretty revolutionary for its time. Upon collecting "orbs", you were able to power up your ship from speed increases, to weapons and pod updates to having the nice spoiler of a shield. After maxing out your weaponry, you could still do a small trick with the orbs. If your points had a 5 in the thousands place, if you got the "reset" orb (the one to put the weapons highlight from the last to the first spot), you would get a points bonus. This in fact came in handy when you're trying to get that "extra life" you desperately need.

3. The Konami Code - Yes, this is where you put it in. You pause the game and push in that infamous code of Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start and BAM, you would have all your Options and shield. You would only have to choose between double and laser.

This game, among many of Konami side scrollers of the area, were a shooter's paradise and hell! There were quite a few things to shoot at as well as those that were shooting back at you. You had to have the eyes of a hawk, the agility of a spider monkey, the intelligence of a wolf and the insanity of a suicidal lemming to get far in the game.

This game featured many different types of ships (from mechanical to biological) to terrains (from volcanic landscapes to Easter Island nightmares). For any who does get past level three without dying once, I do salute you!

This game had many sequels, to me the best being its second incarnation, "Life Force". It featured many of its predecesors good items and built upon them:

1. The first being new weapon. The first I should metion right off is the "nuke" which most Gradius first timers would see this as a "GOD SEND". Instead of dropping your shield and going back to the "Speed up". It gave you one extra weapon. When things got a bit too hot for you, you press the nuke button and BAM, kiss goodbye to the enemies! The second would be the "ripple" lazer. This would be a more "spread" style weapon that helped keep the smaller enemies at bay. This would be very helpful during some levels, though a bit of a pain with the bosses.

2. Would be by far the best - Two Players simultaneous. This gave you the best of both worlds. For those who did play Contra, you would understand what I am talking about. This literally cuts the amount of enemies you had to face in half, yet it also cut down on the amount of orbs you could get. However, with enough skill and teamwork, both can get enough orbs for their weapons and nuke fairly easily.

3. Above ship view - The inclusion of this also brought back memories of such games as 1943 and Spy Hunter. This little change up made the game interesting (or annoying for some people) and kept it fresh.

4. The Konami Code - Yes, this game had it as well. Instead of boosting your weapons to full, this would give you 30 lives. This would be very helpful for those trying to beat the game instead of doing it for real with the regular 3 lives. Misha and I would be able to do it with the original 3 lives after a few.. "continues". Though whenever my brother had his sleepovers, Misha and I would purposely do the 30 lives and play our hearts out and annoy them to no end.

Although some "purists" would mock me for calling the second one "Life Force" when in Japan, it was called "Salamander" and it wasn't a true sequel, more of a "spin off".

There were 4 "true sequels" of Gradius, many of which did not see the light of day until the SNES or the Playstation brought it over. They kept the "old-school" shooter game alive. There has actually been a revival of the "old school" shooters as some developers are going back to the side scroller. This keeps the younger gamers something nice to play while keeping the "old schoolers" that were brought up in the old Atari/NES days a bit of nostalgia and play again.

Don't get me wrong, games like "Gradius" are not games you can just pick up and play, This takes time, patience and strategy to master. There will be many times where you WILL scream "HOW DID THAT HIT ME!"

Trust me ladies and gentlemen, its a great game and it will pay off in the long run to master it for when you do, many games will be easier for you to master. This series has many great games and you will not be disappointed. I recommend a lot of "night" playing myeslf because since it is a space shooter, the darkened room will only enhance the sound, music and vision of the game.

Zoie the Option user

For the next article, I give you a choice. Do you wish for me to write about the game that defines "pain and suffering" or the game that does define "pain yet it was one of the first party games for the NES".

Just "page #mail Zoie" your answer.

It's usually not my habit to watch network TV as I find it stupid and banal (one of the brilliant exceptions to this rule is of course Jeopardy!) but tonight I made an exception to watch a TV show called Back To You (it's an ensemble piece detailing the interactions of a group of TV news anchorpeople). Tonight's episode "Business or Pleasure", found one of the reporters going to see a "furry" convention called Anthrocon. We furries are, as a rule, 'media shy' (the CSI episode "Fur and Loathing" and George Gurley's "Pleasures of the Fur" article in Vanity Fair are reasons why this is so) so I was wondering how Back to You would handle us.

It turns out there was nothing to worry about. In this one the furries (fursuiters really) were the normal ones. The reporter assigned to the story, on the other hand, proved himself to be quite the buffoon by asking, for example, a pair of dog fursuiters if they did it "human style" and asking a deer fursuiter if he was "going home by tying himself to the hood of a car". Not only that, the "furry" portion seemed to be a very small part of the episode-the majority of the time being spent on the romance between a female news anchor of the station and a male anchor from a rival station.

We need more media portrayals like this, but as the print and TV media like to portray sensationalist freak shows and content that caters to the lowest common denominator of intelligence, one can only hope.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to the newspaper!

Special thanks go to:

Portia for the SpinDizzy Holidays information,
The SED for the news about needing a medic,
Austin for the notes on the MSTing event,
Zoie for her "Classic Gaming" article,
Ba'ar for his TV show review,
Patch O'Black for 'Four Color Kitty',
Gilead for his puns,
Ba'ar for his his survey and
Argon for this week's cartoon.

Greetings, fellow comic fans! This time, we will once again travel 1000 years into the future to take another look at the Legion of Super-Heroes. In particular, we will be looking at one of the interesting byproducts of a Legion tradition: The Legion tryouts! You see, when the Legion needs to increase its numbers, what better way than to hold open auditions? Of course, for ever Ultra-Boy and Karate Kid, there are a few dozen hopefuls that don't quite make the cut. We will be looking at those who just didn't seem to measure up.

Our first lucky loser is one Lester Spiffany! Pulling up in his rocket-limo, his chauffeur announces his arrival to the Legionnaires. He is sure that he will get in. His "power"? A big fat bank account! Now, mind you, while I am sure having a nice source of fresh income isn't a bad thing, it doesn't mean you can bribe your way onto the team. Thus, little Lester is sent on his way.

Next on our hit parade of feebs goes by the name "Storm Boy"! This time, the hero-wannabe in question is actually able to do something impressive. His claim to fame is weather control and he summons up a small storm for his audition. However, something is fishy about this guy, and Cosmic Boy soon figures it out. Storm Boy is using a little remote control in order to bend nature to his will. Unfortunately, the Legion of Super-Heroes requires its members to have their own superpowers and not rely on gadgets. Out he goes!

However, these first two had a better chance to get in then some folks who actually had a power. Take for example Green Boy. His great power was to turn things green! That's right, he could make that lemon pie look like key-lime! Yet, for some reason, the Legion just didn't think he was up to their standards.

A bit more useful was Camera-Eye. He could project images of anything he had seen. He thought this would make him perfect for presenting evidence in court. However, it appears that there is some law in the future that says that such evidence is not admissible in court. So, another hopeful is sent on his way.

Now, not all the folks who are rejected are turned down due to their lack of usable powers. One such would-be hero was Kid Psycho. No, his power wasn't the ability to go nuts, but to produce force-fields of immense strength. The reason they turned him down is the way his power worked. It drained his life force equal to the amount of power he puts into his shields. Of course, the Legion could not accept him under those circumstances. However, he became a reservist, ready to help in those dire times when the Legion really needed him, even if it did cost him a portion of his life.

Another potentially powerful member went by the name of Animal Lad. Had quite a nifty power, too. He could transform folks into animals, and even tame wild beasts! Very useful, you might say, and you would be right. After all, it is at least up there with Bouncing Boy or Matter-Eater Lad. However, Animal Lad feel victim to sheer bad timing. You see, he was rejected by one Dynamo Boy, who was actually a mole inside the Legion who was actually looking to reject all folks that would be true heroes, and eventually turn the Legion into a criminal enterprise. Dynamo Lad, in turn, was eventually rejected not only for his villainy, but his powers were actually done with machines.

I think for the last of our Legion of Super-Losers will be the Calamity King! Possibly the descendent of the super-villian known as Major Disaster, this young man had the unique ability to cause accidents and disasters. He did this by subconsciously discovering minute stress fractures in objects, which he could then cause to break. Could this force be used for good? Sure it could! If he could control it. Since the Legion couldn't just have him wandering around the Legion Clubhouse breaking things, they regretfully turned down his application.

That will do it for this week's Four-Kolor Kitty. Remember, we are always looking for new questions and topics to tryout for the column. Just page #mail PatchO'Black, and we will see if they can make the cut! Until next time, see you in the funny pages!

Q: What do you call a snake with a red pattern on its neck, that curls up around a six-pack?
A: A Bubba constrictor.

Q: What do you call a snake that seals Han Solo in carbonite?
A: A Boba constrictor.

Q: What kind of snake opposed British rule and established South Africa?
A: A Boer constrictor.

Q: What kind of snake is found curled around your paycheck?
A: A bonus constrictor.

Q: What kind of snake curls around Howard Stern?
A: A Bababooie constrictor.

Q: What kind of snake squeezes so hard you get hemorrhagic fever?
A: An Ebola constrictor.

Q: What do you call a snake that makes you healthier as it bites you?
A: A death subtracter.

Q: What does a mongoose call small water serpents?
A: Garter snacks.

Q: Why did the snake bite Cleopatra?
A: It was just being an asp.

Q: What do you give a snake for a headache?
A: Asp-irin.

Q: What do you call it when an emo snake gets upset?
A: A hissy fit.

Q: Where do snakes go to buy gas for their cars?
A: HISS stations.

Q: What do snakes get their young for Christmas?
A: HISS toy fire trucks.

Q: What did the snake get his girlfriend when he proposed to her?
A: A diamondback ring.

Q: How do they enforce peaceful and civil conduct at snake baseball games?
A: The usual rules. Three strikes, and you're out.

Q: What unsuccessful species of serpents usually fail to warn potential predators away?
A: The blanketsnake, the pacifiersnake, the teddybearsnake, the diapersnake...pretty much anything but the rattlesnake. (Though against predators who hunt by scent, the diapersnake is darn effective at least some of the time.)

Q: What's the most useful kind of snake to have around the office?
A: The go-fer snake.

• GrumpyBear grumbles, "An air plane and a pilot."
• Lamar yaps, "My choice would be luxury fitted Lear Jet and crew."
• Ping squeaks, "If I were trapped on a desert island, I'd rather like a teleporter."
• DTF ponders "Um... a few friendly critters, a laptop with internet access, and a solar-powered "replicator"... in addition to things not quite suitable to print."
• Kit_Skyfire is afraid he cant answer that question, due to the nature of the newspaper.
• Findra says, "I think if I were trapped on a dessert island, I'd like plenty of whipped cream, and those candied cherries, along with some ice cream and bananas."
• Royce churrs, "I'd want a spoon. A dessert Island sounds tasty."
• Austin says, "Yes, as Royce said. I think I'd ask for some of those moist towelettes, in case my paws get dirty."
• Borris Gruffs, "I'd want a good Axe, a good Knife, a Shovel, a Hammock, A good supply of Water Proof Matches, Metal Canteen and Canteen cup, 1000 feet of good cordage, A Sewing kit, First Aid kit, Fishing pole and reel and hooks and weights. 10x12 foot Tarp. I think thats it."
• Argon says, "Oh, that's easy, Ba'ar. Mavra."
• PatchO'Black mews, "The means to escape."

Got something that You'd like to contribute to @Action News, but aren't sure if you should, or how to do it? Here are some basic guidelines.

Contributing a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org!

• @Action News is published weekly sometime on Sunday.
• Articles received after midnight Pacific time on Saturday may be held and published in the next edition of @Action News.
• Most any type of story or article of interest to SpinDizzy's newspaper readers will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy.
• Things that occur in public areas are fair game.
• The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does,) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have.

These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks!

Argon
Editor - @Action News