Volume VII – Issue 318 — October 7, 2006
Please don't forget to read the bulletin board. Enter +read from anywhere.
|Newswire Sources||Serene Races to Find Cure for a Were-Civet|
Natasha, long known to the visitors of the Rose Garden for her antics as a cartoon coati, was changed into a civet today by what some fear may be some kind of virus or curse. Serene immediately began work on a vaccine to counteract the agent that possibly turn other residents into more civets.
Serene chimes, "I am working on a vaccine before The Civets spreads."
Serene chimes, "Who's first?"
Borris points to Natasha, who indicated herself by waving and fluttering her eyelashes.
Serene chimes, "Nope, too late. It's a vaccine, not a cure."
But, seeing nothing to lose, Serene attemted to vaccinate Natasha with a huge cartoon hypodermic syringe with a barrel as large as a tree trunk and a needle at least a yard long. While Natasha stood vracking and wearing her silvery tail around her neck like a mink stole, Serene prepared the vaccine she hoped might cure her.
Natasha resisted, forming her shiny tail into a point, and like a master swordsman, fending off Serene's attempts to inoculate her. Serene found she could no longer hold both the syringe holding the vaccine and the lollipop she also held, so she dropped the syringe to shatter in the grass. Some of the spattered chemicals spilled onto Natasha.
What happened next was heart wrenching. Natasha collapsed to the grass in a fetal position, clutching at her throat. For a long time, she wouldn't move, while all around her, people feared the worst.
Then Argon the centaur remembered something important about civet physiology. He bade Borris the Russian polar bear to try some coffee. Borris brewed some extra-strong Turkish Coffee and waved it under Natahsha's nose. Nothing.
Then Borris opened Natasha's mouth and poured the coffee down her throat.
That did the trick. Natasha leaped to her feet,her heart pounding, her tail looking like a stiff bottle brush. Bugs Bunny would've been proud of the high-suction, slobbery kiss Natasha planted on Borris' face. Then, like a furry pinball, she rattled back and forth between the other visitors of the Rose Garden, ending in a ballet-like leap onto a tree branch. She was was blithely puffing on her lollipop like it was a cigarette in a foot-long holder as right as rain as a cartoon coati can be, with the possible exception of some fur odor.
"Borris could stuff Natasha into Furry Washer 2000!", the polar bear said.
The coati gasped and shuddered at the thought.
In spite of all this, there is no word yet on whether Natasha is cured of being a civet.
This week's picture for the caption contest is provided by Portia. Do you have a good caption? Send your suggestions to Portia via page #mail!
If you'd like to suggest a picture for the caption contest, please page #mail Argon, Findra, Ba'ar, or Skyler, or e-mail email@example.com
|Argon||An Interview With: Findra|
This week, Argon, local centaur, interviews Findra, local (well, currently,) raccoon.
Findra scampers in and grins, waving a paw. E:) "Hello!" she chirrups.
Argon says, "Thanks for agreeing to answer some questions for the paper."
Findra fidgets with her fingers. "Oh, you're welcome! It's an honour to be chosen," she giggles.
Argon says, "First," He shines a bright light in Findra's eyes, "Where were you on June 11th when the FurryMuck server crashed?"
Findra eeks, her eyes going all wide as she cowers in front of the light. "It wasn't me! That was ... that was Skyler! I was in ... in ... I was washing my fur that day! Out of the house! In Iowa!"
Argon says, "A likely story," He turns off the light and smiles, "But speaking of servers, how did it come about that you were asked to host SpinDizzy on your server?"
Findra relaxes some, and then climbs onto the chair, swinging her legs. "Oh, wow, that's going back a while. I think it was when the person who was hosting it before me was moving, and so there was going to be an interruption. I had a little SPARC Station II in the garage, and put it on there."
Findra grins. "Don't worry. It's not running on that anymore. The muck's migrated to different hardware twice since then," she chirrups.
Argon says, "Had you been on TF&F or did you know anyone from there?"
Findra rubs at her chin. "I think I'd just been introduced to TF&F about a couple of weeks before it went down. I remember meeting Nimble on there for the first time, though."
Argon says, "Makes sense. Well, enough about the server, although I've always imagined it being kind of strange to look at a box and know an entire world is in it. Lets talk about your form..."
Looking at Findra you see: Findra doesn't notice your gaze for a moment, appearing a little distracted. Her fur is generally grey, but darkens down to black around her eyes with a contrasting whiter outline. Her small black nose twitches at something, and her whiskers push a little farther forward than usual. One triangular ear turns in your direction, fringed by whispy bits of longer fur, and she turns around to look at you. The expession on her face is one of mischeivous interest, and one paw picks at a loose thread on her white t-shirt that has the words 'Chaotic Zone' in a red triangle on the front. Looking down at her paw, a flash of irritation crosses her features, and she stuffs the paw into a pocket in her dark blue jeans.
Findra mms? "Oh, I've been in good form recently, thank you," she grins.
Argon says, "You appear kind of raccoony today. But in the past, you've been a bunny, then a bunny with coati parts, and, as your name implies, a dolphin. Which do you feel most natural as?"
Findra chews on her lip for a bit. "Well, the form I'm in at the time, of course! E:) Otherwise I'd want to change it to something else." She giggles. "It's just magic, really. It's still me inside. I just convince people that I look different."
Argon says, "I see. So what form that other folks have interest you most? Do you find, say bats, or vampires or red pandas facinating?"
Findra leans back in the chair and swings her feet. "Hmm. Well, I quite like coati's. I think it's the nose that fascinates me on them. When I'm a bunny, we're a bit nose-depleated. Maybe it's a jealousy thing." E:)
Argon says, "Oh, bunnies have cute noses. And they wiggle a lot too."
Findra chirrups, "But really I like all sorts of different species. The weirder ones are great fun!" She pauses, and nods, "Well, yes, but bunnies' noses are a bit ... short."
Argon says, "Hmm, a bit of probiscus envy?"
Argon smiles, "So what parts of SpinDizzy do you enjoy the most?"
Findra chirrups, "Oh, the rose garden's got to be tops. E:) You get to meet all sorts of interesting people there. But sometimes I just like to collapse and lie in the sun on my beach, and listen to just the sound of the waves." She giggles at the bit about probiscus envy. "Maybe. E;)"
Argon says, "So tell me about nursing school. I recall at times you're a very attractive nurse."
Findra laughs, and then flicks her rounded ears around. "Oh, well, I just like to help people out when they've managed to get themselves hurt, that's all. I didn't actually go to nursing school. I'm self-taught. They do these wonderful correspondence courses now, you know?" she chirps.
Argon says, "Ah, 'hands on learning' so to speak. It seems to work though."
Argon says, "So, how did you get involved with the paper?"
Findra grins happily. "No-one's complained yes about their treatment, anyway. The paper? Oh, well, I was looking for something else to help out with, and since we'd moved the paper onto the same server as the muck, then it looked like a fun thing to do. I've not really done many stories yet, but making the web page look nice when I do that is rewarding, too."
Argon nods, "Yes, you sure know your HTML. You've fixed some problems that have plagued me for a year or so.
Findra giggles, her ringy tail waving around behind her. "Well, I think Skyler helped with a bunch of that."
Argon says, "Skyler has been a wonder too. It's nice to have both of you aboard."
Argon says, "Lets see, we ought to wrap this up. It's to be an interview, not a biography. Anything special you'd like to tell our 10's of readers?"
Findra chirrups, "Ooh! Like Words of Wisdom or something?"
Argon says, "Well, sure. Or good advice or a joke, or anything you feel like saying. You have the floor. Er...well, the chair for now."
Findra thinks about that, then her face lights up. "It's easier to forget when you're not a raccoon, but do like we do - always wash your spinach!" She gives a little bow.
Argon says, "I'll carve that in your headstone when you pass away."
Findra smirks. "Now there's a cheery thought!" E:)
Argon says, "I think that does it then. Thanks so much for answering questions that have mystified the population for ages. And if I ever need a nurse, I know who to call."
Findra bounces on the chair. "Oh, you're welcome! I do have to get going now. It's Chinese Buffet night, and there are some trash cans that ... ahh ... need some attention."
Argon waves goodbye.
Would you like to do an interview for Action News? Page #mail Skyler, Argon, Ba'ar or Findra, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
|Findra||The "Eventlist" Crystal Ball|
Each week @Action News will print the "Eventlist" notices here. This list will be accurate as of press time, but be sure and check it during the week. Activities and events can be proposed, rescheduled or event cancelled for all sorts of reasons. So stay "in the know" by checking Eventlist often.
To get a list with details as shown here, enter eventlist #week #long.
The following events are scheduled in the next seven days.
Eighth Anniversary of Spindizzy!
From Fri 10/06/06 1:00am to Sun 10/08/06 11:59pm
Location: rose, among other places
All ages welcome!
Event Owner: Austin
It's the eighth anniversary of Spindizzy! We'll celebrate in a variety of fascinating ways; please don't be afraid to drop in and share longwinded stories of how much more fun the place used to be, and talk about how much better it would be if you were in charge. We should have snacks, too.
Mystery Science Theater 3000!
From Sun 10/08/06 8:00am to Sun 10/08/06 9:00am
Location: N10 W5; t
All ages welcome!
Event Owner: Austin
Come in and watch a short movie, and make funny jokes back at it! The Mystery Science Theater event will begin at 11 am Eastern Time, and run about an hour. The feature attraction will be a posting from the incredible James S Harris, who in the past eight years has discovered dozens of fascinating new mathematics, only to have every one of them suppressed by the sci.math conspiracy which keeps insisting on readable proofs and all that. There's no mathematics in the post, so no need to fear; there is a detailed explanation of how sci.math threatens all of civilization with imminent destruction. Bring a snack and enjoy!
Here's the Spindizzy @Action News Survey for this week ... what song would be appropriate for the Spindizzy National Anthem?
|Gilead||Gilead's Bad Puns. No Biscuit.|
Q: What do you call a very muscular rabbit?
Q: Why are pandas so good at classic rock?
Q: How do you make baby firefoxes?
Q: How do you make a fox?
Q: What kind of procyonid gains rings as it is promoted?
Q: What kind of small fox photosynthesizes and spreads by releasing spores?
Q: Where should you sit on a horse-person to avoid falling off?
Q: How do red canidae eat chickens?
Q: Why shouldn't you eat a dolphin's head?
Q: What do you get when you give a small kangaroo too much booze?
Q: How do snowmen keep their coal teeth pearly black and healthy?
Q: How did the snake react when she won the Lottery?
Q: What did the lizards do for the bachelor party?
Q: Why did the apes sit out in the Bornean sun?
And last, in honor of Rep. Foley,
Q: What's the difference between a politician and a pedophile?
Q: Why don't Congressmen use bookmarks?
|Your Name Here!||Cartoon|
We don't have a cartoon for the newspaper this week, but if the mood strikes you to draw something amusing, and you're looking for somewhere to show it off, e-mail your cartoon (or a URL) to email@example.com, or page #mail Argon, Findra, Ba'ar, or Skyler.
|@Action News Info||Want to contribute to @Action News?|
Got something that you'd like to contribute to @Action News, but aren't sure if you should, or how to do it? Just get in touch with any of Argon, Ba'ar, Skyler, or Findra, and they'll be happy to help! Here are some basic guidelines, though.
Contributing a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to firstname.lastname@example.org, or qmail/pagemail Argon, Findra, Skyler, or Ba'ar with your article!
These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.