@ Action News

Argon -- Editor

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Shine-B-Gone Introduced

Warusa the tanuki showed off a new potion he promised would change the lives of every raccoon and raccoonlike creature Friday night and immediately made a big profit by selling it all to Argon who was a raccoon-taur when he bought it.

Warusa said the biggest problem affecting raccoons today was how easily they get distracted by shiny things and showed off by juggling a couple silver baseballs. He said he'd invented something he called Shine-B-Gone that "will break our addiction to shinies once and for all." It was a bottle of thick brown liquid and he said, "One teaspoonful of it per day and you never need to worry about being distracted by shinies again." Tanuki the tanuki asked if it was a drug and Fate the Sith said destroying all things shiny would be certain death. Warusa explained that all the shiny things would still be there, raccoons just wouldn't be affected by them.

Scandal the fox wanted to know how it worked and Warusa said, "It uses patented 'Procyon' technology to dull your desire to be distracted. So you never have to worry about being distracted by shinies again." Warusa proved it was safe by taking a sip himself and not being distracted by Scandal paying with the silver baseballs that also distracted Argon. Warusa put it up for sale at $20.00 a bottle, and it'd last about twelve hours, and he had ten bottles.

That's when Argon offered to buy all the bottles and the patent and all the rights to ever make it, for ten thousand shinies. Warusa tried to hold out for stock in the Society of Evil Doers instead, but Argon wouldn't sell. Warusa said the SED was nothing now so why not sell it, but Argon said it was really worth more now, "Heck, you want it." Eventually Warusa agreed and gave Argon all the bottles and the plans and promised to never make any more in exchange for the ten thousand shinies.

Morticon Runs from Ants

Local wallaby and alleged evil perpetrator of the Rose Garden Aphid Invasion and New Coke incidents was run off from the Rose Garden today by ants. Morticon appeared in the Rose Garden and began with his usual round of taunts and innuendo, and due to his recent activities met with a decidedly hostile reception by Logan, a dog, Logreth, a blue Pernese firelizard, and Scandal, a fox hengeyokai. Dart, a dragoon, was initially neutral. It was long before Logan was truly agitated by Morticon and responded by biting him and hiding behind Dart, who was attempting to make peace. PatchO’Black, a cat, sensing trouble on the rise, began shrinking. Scandal, distracted by how cute a “little bitty kitty” is, began petting PatchO’Black and ignoring Morticon until he started looking PatchO’Black’s way.

Scandal growled at Morticon, exclaiming, “No hurting the kitty!” Morticon immediately began disclaiming his harmful nature. Scandal, Logan, and Logreth were completely unimpressed by Morticon’s protestations of innocence. Morticon then attempted to con Logan into accepting a “doggy treat” from him, but was preempted by Logan’s good sense and PatchO’Black’s timely offer of Woof Treats.

When his gambit with Logan failed Morticon began taunting Dart. Dart bore the taunting good naturedly and attempted to engage Morticon in conversation. Morticon made a comment about finding a dragon hunter. Tanuki, a raccoon-like dog, looked at Dart and quipped that he had found one and asked Morticon what his reward would be. Scandal sat down to play his flute.

As Scandal played his flute it began to glow. Shortly thereafter, the ants in the garden started heading towards Morticon and biting him. After being bitten on the feet and ankle, Morticon found himself standing near a tree with a beehive in it. At this point Scandal started playing faster and the bees became agitated as well. With ants already converging on him and the bees looking to be joining the act shortly, Morticon departed rapidly.

Brenda Learns to Fly

Brenda the dragon-cat Jedi's been learning how to fly ever since she got used to her new dragon wings. The first couple days after trying in the Rose Garden, she explained, "I'd spend a short while above Cougar Canyon as practice. I would've continued on straight until now, but I got injured about a week ago or so."

She was hurt when she tried to grow into a giant again--she's been normal-sized ever since becoming part dragon--but even though she could she still needed time to recover and "I wound up pulling every muscle in my body." But she's all right now, because there's "Nothing like a Jedi Healing trance for a few days to fully recover."

Brenda's not sure but thinks the farthest she's ever flown in one try was all the way from Cougar Canyon to the Rose Garden, and back. The highest she remembers flying is to above the clouds or maybe above one of the floating mountains she's seen. She's not sure where the floating mountain is but knows it's somewhere between the Rose Garden and her home in Cougar Canyon. (She didn't have time to explore it, though, because she found it while she was going home to sleep.) The longest she's done yet is over an hour flying back and forth through Cougar Canyon for practice.

Brenda tries to practice flying at least twenty minutes every day which she says is a standard workout. She said the usual workout is "Gliding, mostly, but I occasionally do a bit of swooping and diving, as well as a bit of flapping to exercise the wing muscles. I did try a couple corkscrews, barrelrolls and loops, but they almost ended with me muzzle-planting into the ground, so I guess I need the practice."

Brenda says the best thing about flying is "Just, the wind rushing through my fur...the feeling that there's nothing between me and the ground and that I'm okay despite that..." Although she's learning how to do things dragons do she hasn't hung out with a lot of the other dragons around.

Vixie Tells About her 'Operator'

Hi all, Vixie here. I've been asked to write about my player, on the occasion of his celebrating 10 years since he did the first furry con puppet show. Since I wasn't around back them, I can only relate what I've been told, so everything you hear is secondhand knowledge. Anyway, my player started playing with puppets back in 1992, his first was a skunk named Fifi. She was joined in 1994 by an otter named Odie. In between, he discovered the internet, and furry. He heard about a con near him in the Chicago area called Duckon that wanted a furry track, so he emailed about doing his puppets, and the person in charge liked the idea.

After a few phone calls and personal visits, my player debuted the two puppets at the con. Unlike the elaborate shows of today, he only had the two puppets and a boom box. Still, through what I think is sheer luck, he was a hit, the audience loved what they saw. Since that fateful day back in June of 1994, he has attended over 2 dozen cons, performing dozens of shows and running panels and workshops. Things greatly improved in 2001 when I joined the troupe, and immediately became the star attraction. The other members of the group include, besides the previously mentioned Fifi and Odie, Scarlett the fox, Gracie the squirrel, RC the raccon, Hazel the squirrel, and the Squirrelles. They are all cute, but I'm much cuter!

That's the story, maybe one day I'll add to it, and tell stories like how the Raccoon Song thing started, and how I got to be such a star. Until then, remember I'm the cutest vixen on the muck!

Good Things About Plushes

Greetings all! I'm Randy Panda, which some of you may have seen in the Rose Garden. For the longest time I've been collecting plushies and have found they make the best friends. Here are several reasons why. Enjoy!

Several Reasons why Plushies Make The Best Friends

  1. They're loyal. They accept you for who you actually are as opposed to who you "should" be.
  2. After a long, hard day at work with its many problems and troubles, it's nice to come home to your plushies who have been waiting very patiently for your return.
  3. They make the best listeners. They will never interrupt you to throw in their own opinions on how things "ought" to be.
  4. Even after pulling the biggest blunders, they never criticize you or look down on you.
  5. They share your tastes no matter how outrageous those tastes happen to be.
  6. They shed no hair-unlike dogs or cats.
  7. They're very quiet-compare this with many dogs or cats that keep you (or the neighbors) awake to all hours with their meowing and or barking.
  8. They're the perfect travel companions. When you're travelling they can provide a bit of comfort that is such a relief from the chaos that can occur on a trip.
  9. They're relatively cheap in upkeep and require no special handling.
  10. They do what you want them to do. Ask a plushie to sit quietly and watch TV with you and he or she will gladly do this.

Gilead's Otterible Puns

What kind of vet takes care of an elephant's skin?
A Pachydermatologist

What kind of macropod dances burlesque?
A Can-Can-garoo.

What do you get when you put a raccoon dog in the sun?
A Tan Uki.

What do you call a guided visit around a hexapod's home?
A cen-tour.

What kind of bug makes a coughing sound nonstop?
A Sick-cada."

Where do flightless birds go to school?
Em U.

Bearing Up

Ba'ar.Welcome to latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba'ar (That" s me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.

Dear Bearing Up:
Who's smarter? Kenai or Koda?
- signed Rutt

Dear Rutt:
Neither. Your friendly neighborhood Ba'ar is smarter than both of them put together.

Dear Bearing Up:
It was reported in last week's @Action News that the blackouts last week were the result of a screw up in the power company. I've heard, however, that Morticon owns the local power company. Is that true?
- signed: Conspiracy

Dear Conspiracy:
Not at all. The local power company is owned by its stockholders. Morti doesn't own ANY of it.

Dear Bearing Up:
Is it true that they're going to use Fran Dreiser and Gilbert Gottfried in Iraq to root out the enemy?
- Signed irritant

Dear Irritant:
Our armed forces would love to but are afraid that Dresher's and Gottfried's voices for use in torture are in violation of the Geneva convention for being cruel and unusual punishment.

Dear Bearing Up:
Is Patch O' Black's Jellicle magic harmful? signed:
-Black Magic

Dear Black Magic:
No! Patchy's magic makes you feel good. What harm could there be in that?

Dear Bearing Up:
What do you think of 'reality TV'?
- The Swan

Dear Swan:
I think the term's an oxymoron.

Dear Bearing Up:
Is it true that Winnie The Pooh is really a Bear of Little Brain?
- Signed M. Snerd

Dear M. Snerd:
No! That's a myth! Pooh Bear is actually a very smart bear with Ph.D.s from several of the world's most prominent universities.

Dear Bearing Up:
I'm a showvixen at a major Vegas casino. I've been there a while and am well liked and well respected by my peers. However my understudy, a stout, pugnacious performer named Vixie is always on my back trying to steal the spotlight from me. I've tried to chase her away but it keeps on getting worse. What can I do about this?
- Signed Scarlett

Dear Scarlett:
Have her audition for the local production of The Cunning Little Vixen.

Dear Bearing Up:
Simon from American Idol is so annoying! What do you suggest we do with him?
- Signed Irritated

Dear Irritated:
Put him in the ring with Weakest Link's Anne Robinson and let them have at it.

Remember possums (to steal a term from Dame Edna, if you have any questions,please page mail me (Ba'ar) online or send mail to big_bear@operamail.com. Thanks.

Newspaper Circulation Report

@Action News, SpinDizzy's weekly paper, apparently has a fairly healthy circulation, so we figured we'd show just how healthy it is.

Each week, as long as there's room. I'll show the 'hit graph' for the @Action News website.

Graphic of @Action News website hits.

Weekly Survey

Argon doing the survey.This week, Argon asked,"I'm doing a survey for @Action News. The question this week, suggested by Keoma is, 'What was you favorite toy when you were young?"

  • Tami says, "Favorite toy is hard to say. I had three bins in my basement: one for Transformers, one for Legos and Construx, and one for leftover Halloween/otherwise costumes. Those were all I ever needed to play with. But I also had a favorite stuffed animal, a bear named Brownie, that I still have. It's all worn and loved like the Velveteen rabbit."
  • Logan barks in response to the survey!
  • Borris says, "Lego's, still is :)"
  • ChocolateChip hmms.. wiggles her tail. "My dark chocolatey brown teddybear, named Freddie. I still carry him around."
  • PatchO'Black mews, "Anything that would float in the bathtub!"
  • Leslie pips, "There's this little plastic cash register with big toy coins I used to like Mr Argon."
  • Becky says, "Eh? My toy's still floating around in space. It's the starship Impulse."
  • Mosi [OOC] My barbies or my stuffed animals
  • Scandal says, "A little stuffed black cat toy, my wooden sword, and my blanket."
  • Cye says, "Soundwave!"
  • Ba'ar -- "My answer to the question is my Smokey teddy bear, Argon"
  • Warusa thinks very hard.. "I think my favorite was a little paramedic's kit I received."
  • Pete says, "Ohh, that's easy, casette recorders. You can teach them tricks and all."
  • Dart says, "I would have to say... my ocarina."
  • Mouser hisses, "Probably my collection of old Hot Wheels cars...at least, they probably got more use than any of my other toys."
  • Fate says, "I forgot to answer. The Exploding Jedi with realistic screaming, I think I still have it."
  • Gilead chirps, "I guess it would be a Matchbox Battle Kings tank. Probably my M551 Sheridan."

The Doze Garden

The Doze Garden Comic Strip

Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org or qmail or page @Action or sdnews about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Sunday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren" t out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported dont have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News