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Argon -- Editor

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Cat Becomes Mouse

Patch O'Black, local Jellicle cat, surprised onlookers by showing up Friday evening as a mouse! The usually happy and graceful cat was still happy and graceful, but his tiny stature, small rounded ears, and skinny tail, along with a rumored penchant for cheese seemed quite a change.

When asked how he become a mouse, Patch replied, "Oh, Nikon did it," as nonchalantly as though he had been asked what day it was. He seemed to see nothing at all unusual about a cat, Jellicle or not, becoming a mouse.

When asked to comment for @Action News, Patch answered, "PatchO'Black Fails To Not Be Newsworthy Again?"

Austin Gets New Tail

Austin, local coati, who, as reported in last week's @Action News had somehow traded ears with Findra, local bunny, found himself with another new body part this week.

Findra took his tail, after Skyler, local cartoon rabbity-bird, thought Austin's tail was a worm. The bunny simply unclipped Austin's long, ringed, coati tail, and traded it with her cute cottonball bunny tail.

As usual, Austin took the change in stride, but seemed a bit off balance without his tail. He also has adapted to the long floppy bunny ears he got from Findra last week.

Findra has been stretching Austin's ears, which retained their elasticity, into bunny ear shapes, but they seem to return to their coati form fairly quickly.

There is some discussion as to which body parts will be traded next. Lucky rabbits' feet have, so far, been at the top of the list.

Furpent Loses Head

Mouser, local furpent, found himself in a spot this week in the Rose Garden. As he was chasing Patch O'Black, local mouse, (See above) Patch turned and sprayed the furpent with some sneezing powder!

As Patch made his getaway, Mouser began sneezing, and sneezing, and before he knew it, he'd sneezed his head off! His headless body began searching through the Rose Garden looking for his head. As it bumped into things, folks suggested several ways to reunite his head and body, superglue and duct tape topping the list.

As his body searched, it ended up in a giant pan of lasagne that appeared in the Rose Garden. Soon realising that furpent didn't seem a good ingredient for lasagne, it spit the furpent out. Mouser's body soon found its head, and after some gymnastics and help from Borris, local polar bear, the furpent was back to what passes for normal.

Slug, local snail, suggested that the French did it.

Treehouse Built by Mosi

A treehouse was built in the Rose Garden's ancient oak by Mosi and Slug Wednesday evening.

The treehouse, as designed by Mosi, was a simple affair with a wooden floor and a blanket for a roof. Slug, however, insisted that a secret trap door be added for emergency escapes. After a bit of discussion between the kit and the snail, a compromise was worked out in which a rope is used for sliding away to safety. This was added to the construction, then safely tested by Patch O'Black.

One of the first treehouse guests was Cye. Due to her immense size, however, Cye merely stayed outside the treehouse while having a "tea party" with the cub. The tea party ended prematurely when Cye accidently swallowed one of the toy teacups. While Morticon volunteered to retrieve the playset part, Cye wisely declined to let him, and Borris made sure Morticon didn't force his way in. It was agreed that her gastrointestinal system was large enough to let it pass. The event ended when it became Mosi's bedtime.

Alica Assasinated

As you may know the Queen of the new Neo Republic is dead. Alicia S.A. Vulpnine, my grandmother, has been the target of roguefighters who remain loyal to the old Zancastre faction or may be lost squadron units who have been cutoff since the war's end not too long ago. These units were possibly trained to hunt down and assassinate the Queen or any member of the council.

It was while I was on an evening stroll through the southwest area of Spindizzy that I found that Queen Vulpnine had been buried in a shallow grave marked with a headstone, as though she was buried with honor instead of concealment.

Upon further examination, I found she had been shot 5 times by an unknown gun and from an unknown location. The slugs were recovered from the body and identified as having a dangerous element known as "kitsunite". This fatal crystal has a dangerous reaction to kitsunes, which I and my Grandmother are. Any contact will cause the victim to age rapidly to the point of death. The chaos pendant that my Grandmother wore also presented a problem as the kitsunite bullets drained the energy in her pendant. After the autopsy I reburied the body and properly engraved the headstone.

I managed to retrieve a DNA sample from the body in the slim chance that Queen Vulpnine can be resurrected. However the key element needed, chaonite, is not found in this area of the universe. It may be a long time before Queen Vulpnine, my grandmother, can be recovered. And only if chaonite can be found.

Anime Cast Discussed

Last week in the Rose Garden, Patch O'Black, local Jellical cat, pointed out the Laws of Anime, a website that lists, with tongue firmly in cheek, the rules almost all anime shows follow.

As folks viewed the site, the following was noted; #36 - Law of Quintupular Agglutination (from Daniel Mikula) Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid

Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:

1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation

Many folks volunteered to be members of the SpinDizzy Anime Action Rocketeer Gundam Demon Fighting Team. A number of combinations and proposals were made, all of which involved lots of grunting, yelling and sweating. Several veins were seen to pop out of foreheads. However no definite team was gathered.

Perhaps all will be revealed in the next season's episodes.

Note; the Law of Quintupular Agglutination was copied from Laws of Anime which was Compiled and edited by Ryan Shellito and Darrin Bright

Old Time Papparazi

It was thought that back before Daguerre or Kodak invented photography, folks interested in the lives of early celebrities, could only read about them. However BarterGarter, local gartersnake and esteemed merchant, revealed that images of famous people were circulated. In the form of paintings.

Displaying a paparazzi oil painting of Thomas Jefferson with a mistress, the merchant revealed to SpinDizzians how early gossipers got their kicks.

It is notable, that the garter snake still has this item in her inventory.

Gilead's Otterrible Puns

If what we call table sugar is sucrose...and the sugar in the blood is glucose...and the sugar in tree bark is trehalose...

Is the sugar in war belicose?

Or a sad sugar morose?

Is the sugar that waters your lawn gardenhose?

Is the sugar in red flowers rose?

Is uplifted wolf sugar Florenceambrose?

Is the sugar in mucus upyournose?

Is a sugar that plays nice music Bose?

Could you say that sugar that's nearby is close?

Is talkative sugar verbose? Is a contrary sugar oppose? Is an uncertain sugar suppose?

If you take a vacation to see like-horse-not-horses, are you on a centour?

Are horse-like-not-horses refined from cent ore?

Is an undressed serpent snaked?

Is an otter's paw in a stack of books a webbed browser?

If your giraffes went on a diet...would you have to tighten their veldt?

Bearing Up

Ba'ar.Welcome to latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba" ar (That" s me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.

Dear Bearing up:
Where did I go wrong with my IPO? How could I have prevented what occured?
Signed Morticon

Dear Morticon:
If you needed capital you should have gone to the bank rather than issued stock.

Dear Bearing Up,
I'm trying to save for retirement. what should I invest in?
N. Ron

Dear N. Ron.
Saving for retirement is futile these days. The economy is down the tubes and no one has benefits these days. Best not to do it.

To Bearing Up,
I have a Master's Degree in business, but I can't get a promotion at work. Everyone else at the McDonald's has a Doctorate. What should I do?

Dear M.B.A.:
Go McDonald's University (or as it's otherwise known as MOO U). That should give you the doctorate you need.

Dear Bearing Up,
My Windows XP Home edition keeps locking up. Should I get XP Pro?
U. Nix

Dear U. Nix:
Yes. It'll lock up more than ever.

Dear Bearing Up,
How does BarterGarter keep so much stuff in that little cart of hers? It's like Snoopy's doghouse.
C. Shultz

Dear C. Shultz:
She does it through interdimensional portals attached to her cart.

Weekly Survey

Argon doing the survey.This week, Argon asked folks, "I'm doing a survey for @Action News. The question this week is, 'What makes Jellicle cats so magical?'

  • Terry -- There's been an injunction filed against me preventing me from answering that question.
  • Morticon -- They are special because they hardly know what species they are!
  • BarterGarter -- Why, magic beans, of course! Available only at BarterGarter's cart for the low, low price of one (1) half-starved cow!
  • Butterfluff says, "Their dancing ability."
  • Darius thinks. "Um, I'm not sure I know enough about the abilities and qualities of The Jellicle cat in question to make an opinion on such."
  • Borris says, "Marsh Mellows.
  • Gina_Doberman says, "Lucky Charms? (well.... They ARE magicly delicious)"
  • Slug clicks, "It's probably all in the marketing."
  • Felina mews, "There Jellicleness."
  • Nimble chitters quietly, "Because Jellicles can and Jellicles do."
  • Mavra says, "It's the cohesive synergy between oral exhortations and physical perambulations that creates a shift in the paradigm..."
  • Penance answers, "It's all an artificial construct by T.S. Eliot."
  • Austin says, "It's their bowls of Lucky Charms, Argon."

Notices And Corrections

Next Week's @Action News

Argon, local centaur, will be attending a centaur conference next week. An abbreviated edition of @Action News will be edited and published Saturday, 2/29/2004 by Austin, local coati.

Any news, notices, events, reports or other information should be sent to Austin at austin@spindizzy.org



The Doze Garden

The Doze Garden Comic Strip

Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org or qmail or page @Action or sdnews about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Sunday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we" d prefer things that aren" t out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don" t have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News