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Argon -- Editor

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BarterGarter’s Cart returns. For real!

Earlier this week, local vaguely lupine Joe presented local snake merchant BarterGarter with a new vending tricycle cart to serve as a permanent replacement for the one destroyed by local one-guy comedy team and evil wallaby SED director Morticon.

The cart was described as virtually indistinguishable from the original, and both BarterGarter and the Rose Garden visitors were quick to express their thorough satisfaction with it.

But Morticon was not so enthusiastic. “This is _not_ what I had planned for my life’s savings! Curse you, you wheeler-dealing sidewinder! I will yet be avenged!” Morticon did not fully express how this vengeance will manifest itself, but this reporter is already picturing a shiny giant St. Patrick robot, piloted by mongooses and roadrunners, and they’re all named Hercules.

Week Ending Cold Snap Enjoyed by Most

Friday found the Rose Garden a recipient of the slow moving snowstorm that dusted much of the muck this week. Starting mid morning, it continued nearly 24 hours with an accumulation of nearly four feet at one point. Most residents enjoyed the light fluffy powder, and many a snowball fight was held, and even a couple of snowvixens were built.

Some of the more tropically natured folks built a bonfire, and there was plenty of hot chocolate, cocoa and other warm snacks and beverages. The otters enjoyed sliding in the snow, and even the centaurs had fun. Cye, local 50 foot vixen, was an easy snowball target, but she gave as good as she got, tossing large snowballs back with a smile.

As the snowfall tapered off the next day, the drifts and accumulation melted away quickly, and temperatures returned to normal. Hopefully, SpinDizzy will see more unusual weather in the future.

Somebody Other than Morticon Fails to Conquer SpinDizzy

This whole mess started Tuesday when I decided to go down into Heck to make sure there was not a secret evil alien conspiracy to conquer SpinDizzy based underneath the Rose Garden, since I read about that sort of thing happening to Narnia in a novel by C. S. Lewis called The Silver Chair.

When I discovered that there actually were aliens down there I tried to run away as fast as I could, but the aliens were way too fast for me and trapped me in a circle of salt. Unlike other snails that I have met in my life, these space-snails had developed advanced salt technology.

After they imprisoned me, they threatened to salt me if I did not provide them with intelligence on SpinDizzy so I told them that SpinDizzy was populated by an advanced race of insects and snails who were all vulnerable to salt and insecticide. Once they were done interrogating me they began making a giant pod-Slug clone army and sent one of these clones to SpinDizzy so that nobody would suspect a thing.

Luckily, the space-snails did not clone me too well. The pod-Slugs kept suspiciously saying the phrase, “I am Slug” over and over again. The clones did not even smell right, since they were actually cyborgs (I guess space-snails just like making things out of metal). To top it all off, the first clone that they sent up did not even know what salt was and tried to eat some. Needless to say, everybody got even more suspicious when the dead Pod-Slug was immediately replaced by another clone who announced to everybody in the Rose Garden, “I am Slug. Nothing unusual happened. Just stand on the giant bullseye that I painted on the ground."

Alicia had become annoyed by all these Pod-Slugs and decided to head down to Heck and find out what was going on. The Pod-Slug tried to stop her, but naturally Alicia had no trouble evading a snail. Argon, Cye, and Alicia followed her into Heck.

And remember, even though my name is Slug, I am a snail. Most people do not get confused by this now, thankfully.

The first circle of Heck contained the bulk of the clone army: countless pod-Slugs were all crawling about and dully saying the phrase “I am Slug” in unison over and over. Their ringleader was a demon armed with what he called a Salt Cannon, but was actually no more than a salt shaker combined with a blow gun. Alicia drove the demon back by threatening it with a holy symbol. The demon responding by firing its “salt cannon” at Alicia, and the demon ran away when it realized that the invaders were surprisingly resistant to salt technology. Brenda used her Jedi powers and learned that I was trapped deeper in Heck. All three followed the demon down to the second circle of Heck.

When they all arrived, the demon tried shooting them with insecticide spray. When the demon realized that the invaders were also resistant to insecticide technology, the demon ran away. Once again Brenda used the Force to learn where I was being held. Cye, Alicia, and Argon followed Brenda to the Dead Rose Garden.

They then got to meet my captors: the space-traveling race of metallic snails that captured me earlier. At first, Argon tried to be diplomatic: he asked the aliens what they wanted and the aliens told him that they wanted to take over the world because they had run out of resources and fuel. Argon naturally thought that it would not take much to supply a few snails and send them on their way, so he simply asked what they needed, but the space-snail’s demands were completely insane. They wanted food, water, plutonium, a nice hat, a nice watch, coal to power their space craft, and a shrubbery. Argon decided instead to rely on a large magnet he conveniently brought with him into the underworld for reasons known only to him. All the metallic space snails stuck to the magnet, but a few of those nasty aliens nearly salted me. Thankfully, Brenda saved me from almost certain salty doom and proved that even the light side of the Force can be neat.

With the alien snails out of the way, we had to decide what to do with the Pod-Slug Clone Army that they left behind. Argon suggested we send them to SED headquarters so that their constant droning of “I am Slug” would drive him nuts, but I had a better idea. I decided to send one of the clones to Slugette, the delusional female slug who has been pursuing my affections ever since I came on to SpinDizzy, and hide the others. I hoped that Slugette would be dim enough to believe that my clone was the real thing and leave me alone! Brenda helped by using a Jedi mind trick to make the clone love Slugette and sent the clone over to Slugette. Unfortunately, something has gone wrong and the clone has gone missing. In order to save myself from the undesired affections of Slugette, I need to hunt down the clone and send it to Slugette… and I have to do all that while evading both Slugette and her employer, Morticon!

Fruitbat Inventions Through The Years

Stach Fruitbat was a pioneer in the field of chimerical studies, creating such improbable mixes as the Balderdash, a mix of Rogaine and gazelle, and the Cattywampum, a combination of laziness and money. Perhaps her most famous invention was the time she crossed a lion, eagle, and talk show host. While the result was deemed structurally unsound, history shows that the MIRV Gryphon enjoyed years of airtime.

Bearing Up

Ba'ar.Welcome to latest edition of Bearing up, the advice column where Ba'ar (That's me!) has answers to your most challenging questions.

Dear Bearing Up:
Being a puppeteer, what kind of puppets do you think are best for a beginner to start out with?
Kookla, Fran and Ollie

Dear Kookla, Fran and Ollie:
Political puppets are your best bets.

Dear Bearing Up,
Rolaids or Tums?
B. Noe

Dear B. Noe:
Neither, Gas-x

Dear Bearing Up,
I've got a bad case of the flu. What should I do?

Dear Sneezy:
If you've got a bad case of the FLU, call a Chimney Sweep. That'll clean the FLU up.

Dear Ba'ar,
I am upset at the Disney Corp. for closing their Orlando animation studios. How can I convince them to turn their attention back to hand drawn animation?

Dear Willie.
Boycott Disney and go for animation from Warner Brothers.

(Author's note: If you lament the fact that Disney is getting out of the traditional 2d animation business, fear not! Legacy Animation (http://www.legacyanimation.net) has come to the rescue!. Formed by ex Disney animators, it's a place that still believes in the value of hand drawn goodness.)

Dear Ba'ar, Are you sure you won't be in one of our Charmin commercials?
Proctor & Gamble

Dear Proctor and Gamble:
My answer from last week stands.

Remember possums (to steal a term from Dame Edna ;-D), if you have any questions,please page mail me (Ba'ar) online or send mail to big_bear@operamail.com. Thanks.

Weekly Survey

Argon doing the survey. This week, Argon asked, "I'm doing a survey for @Action News suggested by Findra. The question is, 'If we had an infinite budget, which planet do you think a SpinDizzy space program should explore, and why?"

  • Roland says, "Jupiter, Argon. So we can finally see if the Ganymede sea rat really is tasty."
  • BarterGarter hisses, "The ice moon of Hoth, so that we could have lots and lots of giant fuzzy kangaroos with horns to ride on here in SpinDizzy!"
  • Slug clicks, "Earth, because it would be a real short trip."
  • Felina mews, "Jupiter, because there's that one moon they think is pure iron and the other that's ice, lots of resources."
  • Boki squalls, "It is the planet of parking lots! This is because there are many things for gulls in parking lots!"
  • Royce hmms, "Perhaps Jupiter. That has lotsa neat moons, and a fascinating atmosphere. However, Saturn is the raccooniest of them all, so probably that. But it's much further, so would take longer. Though it shouldn't be hard, I mean, we're already in space, right? Just need to adjust the Spindizzies a little, and we can just cruise on over there."
  • Silverayne softly speaks, "Pluto, because I simply can't stop wondering if we'll spot a cute little Disney dog."
  • Butterfluff --I'd like to explore Trantor -- especially if I can loot the library.
  • Gina_Doberman says, "Venus. Because the farther planets are too cold! *Brrrrr*"
  • Ceralor squeaks, "Hmmm....Dunno ^_^ Maybe Mars."
  • Vixie says, "Mars, because it's red like a fox and could be renamed Vixie."
  • Elissa yaps, "My answer is Planet QX-13, because all the regular planets are round and boring! QX-13 is a big doughnut! It goes great with the Milky Way and there are theories that the core is grape jelly! We must gather samples!"
  • Lupinetiger wurfs, "First make a ship that is worthy of travel, also where you'd have limitless amounts of air."
  • Jiffy chatters, "We just need a really good telescope."
  • Gilead chirps, "Mars, because the reduced gravity and iron-rich soil might support giant red vixens."
  • Terry puffs, "We should explore something fictional, like Toril -- being able to translate ourselves into fictitious form is the dream of fanfic writers everywhere."
  • Austin says, "I think the Herculoids planet, Argon. They live on what appears to be a miserable blot of rocks and nascent sticks, and yet every other week aliens from space come invading trying to take it over. Obviously, there's something important there we didn't see on TV."
  • "Sunshine says, "Whichever is saltiest, because I'm a porcupine, Argon. Also, if you had an infinite budget, you should buy me something nice. I mean, what's your excuse, if you have an infinite budget?"
  • Borris says, "Borris is wanting to meet Martians who keep taking probes"

The Doze Garden

The Doze Garden Comic Strip

Guidelines and Procedures for Submitting Articles

Submitting a story or artwork for @Action News is easy! Just send it to newspaper@spindizzy.org or qmail or page Argon about it.
@Action News is published weekly on or after 12:01 AM Eastern Time on Sunday. Most any type of story or article will be accepted. Generally, we'd prefer things that aren't out and out lies or flames about other folks, and have a basis in the reality of SpinDizzy. Things that occur in public areas are fair game. The things reported don't have to have actually happened, (any more than anything that happens here does) but make sure you don't overstep the social boundaries and rules of interaction that we have. These are pretty broad guidelines, but we expect good sense to apply.

Thanks! Argon, Editor @Action News